31 August 2004
9:50 PM
Went jogging with my sister in the evening today. She's getting
really good at running long distances I realise. Purpose of the jog was cos I decided that my headache was due to the fact that my brain is oxygen deprived, so you
would think the jogging should have helped. It
didn't, but at least I tried! It was quite nice actually, cos there was plenty of shade, time away from the work piling up (Mrs. Ang calls it
rotten bananas, but it doesn't sound right), and just the right amount of wind. Nice day, today.
Sometimes you see things that you never knew were there, and sometimes you
pretend you can't really see it. But maybe it's not cos you want to remain ignorant and pretend that life's just one big shining star. Maybe it's cos you know you won't be able to handle it. Not now at least. Some things are easier to think about, but what I've realised is that even
after you've thought about it for a
really long time, it doesn't mean it'll go away. I've been thinking for close to 2 weeks, and it's still there. In my tired brain,
stuck.
Maybe I need to start watching Barney again, and all his
crazy concepts about how if 'I love you and you love me', it makes us all a happy family. Firstly, I want to proclaim for all to hear that barney
cannot be trusted, because not only is he a purple dinosaur, his
whole world is about appearing in a burst of stars and light while the kids go
crazy with delight and run screaming to him. Secondly, barney has
deceived me to believing that there's a
song to every sorrow and trouble.
Not true. Some problems
don't have songs, and so I attempt to write them, but I end up with scrap paper not even
worth recycling. Sad, but that's how far I can go. I sing because I need a way to escape.
But barney isn't to be blamed, because I
did learn much from him. That I should keep
moving on, and keep
'appearing' when people feel down or need some cheering up. I shouldn't have to think so much about my stuff that I
forget that I am alive, and that my friends are living beings too. And so, if you're one of those who know what I'm trying to get at, then yes, you
matter to me, and so, don't think that you're piling extra burden on my shoulders, because actually my burden is not on my shoulders, it's in my heart. (: But seriously speaking, I'll be
truly happy to listen and maybe even to help if I can.
Pet sent me an sms which I thought was really meaningful.
A woman of real beauty smiles in times of trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave through reflection and prayer.
So to all those who are having tough times ahead, this one's for you (:
"The plainest sign of wisdom is a continual cheerfulness: her state is like that of things in the regions above the moon, always clear and serene."
-Michel de Montaigne
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30 August 2004
7:19 PM
Today, I had a bad headache. In fact, I am having the same one now. But it'll go away soon. Just need to relax, and breathe deeply. It was so bad I didn't go for violin today. Maybe I should just drop violin and
concentrate on my life. No that doesn't sound right..
Anyhow, today janell hand-signaled me to ask me where I got the marks & spencer bacon chips from, which was the one I bought for stephanie. I think she really liked it cos she was looking at the wrapper of the chips for a
really long time, and she was pleased to tell me that she didn't care that it cost 70cents more than usual chips, and that she was definitely going to buy it (: All this was said or hand-signaled across the class. Quite funny. (:
And lit lesson was spent singing and singing. Ms Chow wasn't around so we got our big break. Realised there are lots of people on class who like singing too. Kindred spirits. (:
Do I wish things were really different? To a certain extent, yes. But yet I don't seem to be able to control my life as well as before. Maybe I never did, maybe I never will again, but for now, I just wish that I could
stop thinking for a while, to let my over-worked brain take a break, and then continue on with my complicated life. It's seriously getting more and more complicated by the day, basically because people say lots of things they don't mean, or they mean lots of things they don't say. Either way, it
still is very confusing. Nevertheless, I shall continue singing.
Wait, that sentence doesn't make sense, but if you say it out, it actually rhymes.
"Trust your hopes, not your fears."
- David Mahoney
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28 August 2004
12:41 PM
I realise being sc is
draining. It was really difficult hearing and taking note of stuff like the tone quality, the emotions, the pitch, everything on the spot. And worse when sometimes people don't really listen to you, or they just do their own stuff. It is really very tiring, but if it's for the choir, that's just want I have to do. Listening to the Seoul Ladies' Choir cd again. Some of the songs are quite
syf-ish.
I Will Carry You
Clay Aiken
Yeah I know it hurts, Yeah I know you're scared
walking down the road that leads to who knows where.
Don't you hang your head don't you give up yet
when courage starts to disappear
I will be right here
[Chorus] When your world breaks down
and the voices tell you turn around.
When your dreams give out
I will carry you, carry you.
When the stars go blind
and the darkness starts to flood your eyes.
When you're falling behind,
I will carry you.
Everybody cries, Everybody bleeds,
No one ever said that life's an easy thing.
That's the beauty of it, when you lose your way,
Close your eyes and go to sleep
and wake up to another day.
You should know now that you're not alone.
Take my heart and we will find, you will find,
your way home.
My sister is crying now. I don't know what I should do. Ahh..
You don't know how hard it is to be the couselor of the family. You don't know how hard it is to see your mum cry. You don't know anything. You can't. And yet you wonder why I never cry.
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26 August 2004
9:07 PM
Yi lyn (my choir chair) was
freaky today. She and Soomeh were really super
high, cos they were most probably pretty frustrated with all the duty roster stuff for choir, so there was mae squealing at almost every single thing, and yi lyn asking mae to concentrate on the quote
"freakin' roster" unquote. I was in shock. It just goes to show how high Yi Lyn was lol. (: Cos for one, she's not the type to go "freakin'". Way cool.
She's so nice too! When I showed her the student conductor work plan I drew up, she was like "yah we'll discuss it monday morning. thanks for being so efficient :) ". Like, it was
my job and yet she thanked me for it! That's what u call
leading by example. She went out of the way to reply my email just to thank me. (:
Today on the bus, the drunk bus driver was driving me crazy with his recklessness. He would stop, then my head would bang against the seat and my brain matter would jumble up again, then I would waste time sorting out my brain, while PM Lee gave his rally speech thing on tvMobile. It was a pure test of willpower. I wanted to get out of the bus and take a cab, but my legs wouldn't move.
My brain is seriously in a mess now. And listening to some crazy women's choir is not helping. Firstly, the songs they are singing are in korean, cos it's the Seoul Women's Choir cd. Ms loo got me to listen to them to help her source for syf songs for the choir. Am i stressed or am I stressed. And none of them sound good and pretty.
Ahh I think I need some sleep. My brain is stopping now. Today for Philo Ms Cheryl was asking me something about some connotations thing, and the thing was I didn't realise she asked me until I found her looking at me, and pet was whispering the answer to me, only I didn't really get that either. I only heard some "expectation" thing that sounded similar to what Carmen was saying, so I made up my own little story right there and then. Thankfully she stopped calling on me after that. My brain was seriously dead.
Right now, my mum is frantically sms-ing the Singapore Idol thing. I think the contestants are quite fine, judging from what I'm hearing outside. Can't really see them cos I'm trying to complete the proposal Moni wants me to do for our cle project. Ok, my mum just took my hp to send to the Idol thing. This is
complete madness.
Friendships are so complicated now. People say things and mean other things. Why. I wish things were different.
"This time like all times is a very good one if we but know what to do with it."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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20 August 2004
8:49 PM
I am completely
washed out. Can hardly keep my eyes open now, and after this, I'm going to have to search for new
syf choral pieces for the choir, & then, off to sleep. It's 8.50 now. Tomorrow is Speech Day. I am
so so so tired. Really. It is like a marathon.
First there was our concert, then we had little performances here and there, & before we knew it, sessions were back to 3 times a week (and I'm not complaining). Then we had to pull up our socks for supreme court, which really took
the life out of me. And during the practices the sec3s had to constantly practice our Speech Day item,
again and again and again. And now, tomorrow is speech day. And the choir was practising for our Open house performance since tuesday. And after open house, we got to try out our new syf pieces to see which fits our style, and start preparing for
concert. It becomes this
never-ending cycle. I love it, but sometimes I just wish I could just rest for
a little while. Just a little. Just to catch my breath, just to realise that this is me, this is
now.
I don't know what happened today, but after the cle block, I just started getting
really tired and
zonked out. I couldn't really remember what we did for geog lesson, & Lit presentation was a tough one cos sometimes I would just
forget midway what I was talking about lol. And we had another last minute rehearsal for our speech day item, only to be criticized about our costumes, which we were told, didn't really look bright enough on stage. And then we realised that the music couldn't play, so we spent the lunch block recording for nothing. This is a nightmare. I can't wake up. I do realise that I am living in a sadistic
circus act gone
terribly wrong.
I really admire Sarah Tan's
courage to speak out
exactly what she feels. Tanneh, you rock, & we all know it.
It's true- We put our heart & soul into what we do, what we sing, what we play, what we dance. We give everything we've got, e v e r y t h i n g. Every moment of free time is spent memorising or practising, my bathroom time is spent chanting songs, before some of us sleep, we practise the little dance moves one more time, we practise smiling in front of the blasted mirror just so we'll look presentable on stage. We sleep, eat, breathe, singing. Why is it that every time, after choir practices, we usually feel totally spent and dead to the world? Do you call this 'intense'? Is that mind gruelling to you? Or do you think the physical aspect is superior to the mental strength?
And you thought it was easy to sing in a choir. If you think singing is something insignificant, you'll be missing out. Because what happens is, when you sing with everything you've got, you're all you, and that music coming out from you belongs to you and you only. It's yours, & no one can take it away. You can come break our hands, break our legs, break our hearts, but unless you break our necks, we can sing forever. That's the power of the voice. It's yours. And the power you hold with your voice? You're telling the greatest story, through the universal language of music. That's the power of song...
But you know what? If no one appreciates it, then I wash my hands on them. It doesn't matter, so long as we know that we sing for ourselves and for each other. We sing because we want to, because we love to. I don't go for every single practice cos I'm obliged to. I go cos I love it. I love the people, I love the singing, I love the whole atmosphere.
I don't know what happened to me today, but maybe the really late nights (or
mornings) have really taken its toil on me. Maybe its not just the
frustration with certain authorities, but frustration with how I don't seem to be able to take control over my life as well anymore. How fast responsibilities are piling up, & I haven't gotten used to that yet. But I
will, I just need time. I should just go to sleep now, & hope tomorrow's speech day performance will go swell. If anything, I'm performing for my choir buddies, my dearest seniors, &
myself.
"Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it."
-Sir Winston Churchill
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16 August 2004
7:18 PM
Supreme Court
It was really an exhilarating performance. I almost
blasted my lungs out, cos ms. loo kept asking for a more powerful warmer voice, so there me and xinzi were, blasting like crazy into the mikes in front, and so were the people at the second row (soomeh, sooneh, tanneh, lunny). I have never sang a Singapore song so
patriotically before.. It was pretty funny, & I think Vincent's great ;) He was
so professional, cos when the judges/ lawyers clapped
before the emcee could make the thank-you speech, he was right at the back waving his hands to get us to bow and leave the stage. Pro... And we had really pretty purple orchids in our hair! :) Reception was great, with the sushi & the caviar... And the tiramisu was really fantastic. Hongyi got me the last one there. Thank you!
Wednesday was a
crazy day, cos xiu huan was making all the crazy, weird, and
very funny remarks, especially during SS. When ms. lee was talking about showing empathy towards each other or something like that, she mentioned something about "if you and your sister both have problems, we should always compromise." Then xh was like, "yah.. my sis has a problem.. an
attitude problem.." and then she went on and on with her laughing lOl :) It's hard to be bored in class with people like xh around. And another time, when ms. lee wrote "
solutions to conflict" on the board, and asked for volunteers, xh went "depends on what type of
graph you want...
linear, quadratic, or cubic..." and then more laughter.
Explanation: We had math lesson before that, & spent an hour drawing graphs, so forgive us if we breathe, eat, drink and talk graphical solutions lOl. Anyway, it was a super funny time...
Today's lit was quite nice too, with all the singing. I think
singing is one of the things I live for..
If I didn't know how to sing, I'll learn how to fly.. :) And media course! Very tiring actually, but quite fun, especially with such a great group! Only astee wasn't around, so.. :(
To a dear 310-er friend (you know who you are)- cheer up ok? Don't live your life trying to please other people, trying to gain appreciation, trying to achieve what seems to be perfection. Life's more than that... Much more, so do your best for yourself, or don't bother at all. Not everyone is going to be happy with you all the time, and you just can't please everyone, so spend your time making those who are worth it happy with your service ok? I think you're great now, as you always have been...
Doing RS again...
And wondering why people are always holding on to their friends as if they owned them... Why friendships seem to be based on the quantity of talk...
Why people always want what they don't have, and what they can't have..
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11 August 2004
6:52 PM
Spent 2 hrs straight in the library just now. Don't know what I was doing.. maybe just stoning there cos the armchairs are very comfortable..
Anyhow, lots of people might be cutting their hair short now. I think it all started with xiuhuan counting the number of people with short hair in our class, which is a mere
9. Then I decided to cut mine
real short cos I was sick of not-short-not-long hair. Then I talked xh into cutting too, so now that makes 10 people in our class with short hair. (: Life is so boring that sometimes even this type of pathetic "
entertainment" makes me happy lOl.
Went to eat chicken rice at far east again. I shan't go there anymore, lest I become
addicted to the chicken rice.
(I am avoiding blogging my freakish exam. )
I
love school. I really do. The people in my class
rock. Oh yes, must really thank
xiao yu here. She was
so nice and sweet. On the night before my exam she sms-ed me once, and then she called me (I was watching brainest kid on 5) to tell me to jia you. I love you xy! (: I was really feeling
totally down and out cos
all my practising didn't seem to be working, & then she called! So
nice right... (: Had to give her a hug when I came back.
Oh, and there were some people who got pretty worked up over the Physics SPA today. Chill people, it's just a SPA, and the worst that could happen? Fail it, which is a mere 6 marks (I think). So this isn't worth crying over alright? Sometimes stress can really eat you up... We must learn how to deal with that.
I think there are many
many people with preconceived notions about christianity. I will talk about that later, but for now, I just want to clarify (that sounds so much like one of my teachers.. >.<) that if you
are a christian, you
don't have to go out and evangelize and grab people off the street to talk to them. If you're a christian, you
don't have to read the Bible
everyday, or go to church
every Sunday. If you're a christian, you
don't have to walk around with a
halo on your head, simply cos
you can't.
The thing is, when you're a
true Christian, you don't
have to do these stuff, cos you'll
very naturally
want to. And when you
can't go church sometimes, it doesn't make you a
bad Christian. Christianity is about
you and God, not you and church. So I don't get it when people say that they don't want to be Christians cos they don't have
time to go church or to read the Bible every day. I
don't read the Bible every day, and that's a fact that I'm not proud of, but that's the way it is. It
doesn't mean I'm not a
good christian. I believe in God, the One who died
for me, and so whether I go church or not is not the main issue. So to those people out there- Christianity is about you and God. Nothing less than that. It is never an
obligation, never a
must-do.
You're free, because
He set you free.
"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else." -C.S. Lewis
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07 August 2004
6:30 PM
National Day Celebrations
Me & XiaoYu tried to be as
shuai as possible, but
alas, only xiao yu could pull it off with
style. I was, unfortunately, a milder version of a
mafia member (according to chay, cos of my new hairdo.) But never mind, it was pretty weird wearing pants/black jeans. I brought my board shorts to change but that would have been
really weird. For one, I
don't wear board shorts, & two, I usually almost
always wear skirts, so yes... And I got XiuHuan to wear her red soccer jersey! -
beams- She looked like a real pro in it... (: Trying to get her to cut her hair, then maybe she would be able to fufill her "dream" of spiking her hair (naturally of course..)
heehee.
Oh yes, me & janell bought some kitkats (red) and ferrero m. (the white ones) for the class
from the class comm. Hope everyone got theirs..
After ND Celebrations, had Speech day rehearsals, which totally
sucked cos the school mikes are the lousiest on earth, & so the harmonies couldn't be heard, and also cos
friction brewed between some of the sec3s for a while, then it went back to normal of course. And my little part (earth angel) was totally messed up, cos I was suffering from a sore throat that wasn't sore, in other words,
I had no voice. And so I couldn't hold my A without cracking. And it was so funny cos the mike for the soloists is super loud and clear, so naturally everyone listening could hear.
Great.
But I had the
wildest, craziest time after the rehearsal! I think it is the funniest time I ever had. I went with some friends
(points and laughs) to Far East for chicken rice, and they told me some pretty f u n n y stuff. It was crazy, & cos none of us wanted to go home, we hung around at the turkish ice-cream place for about 3 and a half hrs, and just sat there cracking each other up. There was a lot of table and chair-slapping going on, & every hour we would get up to buy something, just to compensate the aunty for putting up with us. We bought the turkish ice-creams, and then some turkish french fries ;), and then a fruit dish that-wasn't-a-fruit-dish. It was this terrible mess of something salty and something bitter. How fruity.. And we took turns going to the restroom, which is nothing much except you have to pay 10 cents to pee. lOl. And then we did some democratic voting, and then more screeching/laughing. I never laughed so hard since the cow jumped over the moon. They truly are the funniest people on earth, and the coolest. ;)
Went for piano after that. I sucked at the lesson
again. It has become such a routine maybe I should just drop the exam. After all, my teacher is considering introducing
Jazz piano to me instead, which is an up-and-coming syllabus for abrsm (for those who didn't know). Some of the pieces are really funky.
Today
My aunt & uncle (mum's side) are here for visiting. They brought some
homecooked american chicken rice and german salad for us! (:
I love them. I'm currently munching on crackers with american cheese spread. It's a
superbly tasty thing cos it is japanese crackers (very light) with american cheese spread over it, like some
gourmet meal. Every time they come around for visiting we
always get to eat
great out-of-the-world lunches, cos my aunt is a really great cook,
especially for western meals.
Doing RS now..
and wondering why people allow themselves to get their hearts broken, or why they ignore their breaking, bleeding hearts.
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04 August 2004
9:35 PM
Today was a pretty
crazy day. The four people at the corner of the class (pet, rach.e, xiuhuan, me) were cracking each other up again- as usual. And we got a new way of getting people to stand up to greet the teachers. If janell isn't around, pet suggested we push in our chairs then stand up
real quick to create the
screeching sounds from our chairs to get everyone to respond. It worked. (: For math lesson at least.
Took height and weight today. Everyone -
mostly- was super worried about the fat percentage test thing, & I really wonder what the purpose of letting us know our fat percentage is. The friends who have taken the fat test already are all
screaming about going on a diet, and so there is a remote possibility of mass
anorexia in the school. What is the point. And those people who aren't fat are thinking of dieting. This is getting dangerous. But one complaint is I didn't even grow like,
0.5cm. I'm still same old pathetically
short me.
Oh well.
Lots & lots of stuff on my mind. I usually crap it all out on the piano, or type stuff on my hp which I never send but save it. Lots and lots of stuff. I don't feel like typing.. This world is confusing..
"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing.
-Harriet Braiker"
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01 August 2004
3:00 PM
Philo. class was really a different experience altogether. For one, some people
(including myself) felt pretty lousy, & maybe even angry at the world. It was a sad time.
I think we're all
supermans in one way or another, and the problem is
how we deal with that. I think I'm
through with
crying about it. If the world screams for perfection, then give it to them. If we have that
OBLIGATION to be perfect, then by all means, let us
all go achieve perfection.
But sometimes it
isn't perfection, it's something
more. Maybe sometimes the world will want to claim your
whole life, your
whole being, in its hands, and the world doesn't let go very easy. Some of my friends are just an
empty shell, they are tired of giving whenever people ask for something, tired of obliging, tired of giving without getting anything back. What can be done? When you are working for this wretched world, you're just giving without any taking. It doesn't have to be this way. We don't have to succumb to
self-pity.
You want me to be superman? Fine. Then teach me how to fly.
How hard is it to
face up to the world around you?
How hard is it to know that the people you are with are living a
lie... It's
pathetic when you see them
so happy, and you
want to be happy for them, but
you can't. Because you know
the truth, and the truth will hurt them. And even if they
do know the truth, they
choose to
ignore the blatant fact. That maybe some guys
are jerks. Maybe all they want are
trophy girlfriends. Maybe they even like having
MULTIPLE girlfriends... maybe it makes them feel powerful, to know that if they lose one, there's always another, and another,
and another to fall back on.
What has this world become... It's a walking,
spinning disaster waiting to happen, and when that disaster comes, I hope I'll be dead and
decomposed.
The things
jerks say when they're angry... It
cannot be justified-
no matter what. I will
never allow myself to be described as a
waste of time etc. What does that make her? An
investment? Why, is there a
profit to be made? Wait, after a breakup it's called a
loss. So maybe all relationships actually just degrade to cheap
stock market deals.
Maybe I should just
forget everything, and if my friends are happy, then I should be happy for them too. Maybe I should just
give it up. Maybe it's a
lost cause.
But to the jerks: You're taking without giving. There's always a price to pay.
The more you take, the more it shows your disregard. There are no rules, that's true, but for everything you gain... it's worth nothing. You should know that. So stop playing games with people.
There's this song that describes my feelings entirely: (
Headstrong by Trapt)
I see your motives inside.. Back off- I'll take you on. I know that you are wrong... I won't give everything away.
My dad is falling apart. I don't know what I should do. I don't know I don't know I don't know. But I know for a fact that when you feel like such a failure, and when you're without God, you just stop wanting to live.
The song I'm playing? It's called "
Out of the darkness into the light".
I won't stop praying.
"I feel my wings have broken in your hands.
I feel the words unspoken inside...
Somebody save me." (From Smallville by Remy Zero)
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