Thought I'd get this over and done with.. Especially with laoshi gone now, and this being the last day of May. MyMay 2007. Now that the dust has more or less settled, I thought it time to face up to the end of dance in rj- the tumultous journey that never seemed to end.. And it has.
- dance is not recreational. it is one of the purest expressions of life, of living. Of being. all that we fought for. the spaces we grew in. the farsight nearsight foresight hindsight of it all. The knowing silence, hushed anticipation, standing backstage at the wings, knowing we can do this, if we fight for it.
SYF Gold with Honours..
Dance Night.. what can I say. I've never danced anything the way I did my saturday's J2 dance. The amount of effort, energy, of PTs every saturday... all the planks and runs and conditioning.. all for one dance. foolishness isn't it.. We do all that so that we can do the best we can do. I wouldn't have it any other way actually.
Just before the dance, little superhero girl was playing.. and ms. tan (standing backstage) gave us hugs each, and we just stood there soaking, soaking it in. The memory caged in the moment, little superhero girls trying to grasp some sort of control in our lives, because we've put it all on hold since, the start of the year? that was the very moment of realisation (realising what I don't know..), one of the purest instance of living the moment.
we placed our hearts out there, on that stage. it wasn't for the audience, it wasn't for the people we loved sitting there, it wasn't even for all the practices and bruises and what nots.
it was for ourselves, for each other, pure and simple. i never felt that way before. Without nervousness, without the frantic beatings, just contentment.
When I wrote the synopsis for the programme booklet for our dance, I thought it was super cheesy and I was pretty embarrassed about the start. I kept thinking I should have written a better one, that I would once inspiration struck me.. I felt it was horribly vague, "err what is this?!" type of vague.
but then, someone told me that was what encapsulated our dance best. What is a dream but thoughts not of a waking hour, vague flashes dissolving into vast blackness..
to vernuslou- you're my rock! you literally pushed me out of those stoning periods of extreme tiredness and pure sianness, and you listened to me and you helped me through it and you showed me that the forced competition wouldn't hurt what we have, and that we've got to try our best no matter what. what can i say. it's over!
to ivy- all those late late times sitting out waiting for your mum. it was just us and the dark shadows of block b. We would reassess, grumble a little, stretch out muscles, eat apples... and watch as our lives went by (haha). It was one of the best things in chinese dance 2007. (:
to my dancers jerr, zhixu, pammie, suzie- (: hahaha.. I think I'll remember all the rumours about soccer boys and chinese dancers for a long time ;) and thank you for putting up with my nonsense and constant curtain watching. I tell you, looking at green really IS therapeutic.. I will miss the "CHERMAINEEE"s...
a lot.
to sumae- you've been there to listen to my crapping and my sadness and stress and worry and grumbles and you stuck by me and let me whine about everything. I don't know how you could stand me when I couldn't even stand myself. But thank you. It was the toughest but most fulfilling part of JC life.
And I made it okay. (:
to martin- It's over! thank you for understanding, for empathizing, for being around to tell me weird jokes and laugh at me (not funny.) Thank you for placing it all in context, in their proper places. It meant a lot to us, so now we can finally let it go. You did it! (:
to my classmates- NO MORE WHININGS TO YOU GUYS ANYMORE! no more "yeahhhh i have cca todayyyy" or "oh mann i wish i could go toooo" (: (: I am as free as a lark chained to the tree, oh happy happy is me. (mr p will be impressed! i even used repetition for effect!) thank you for telling me to hang on, just a little while more, 'you can do this'...
look, i made it through the madness! (:
Thank you God. I've never grown up so much so fast. I've never had so much joy, not in such a long time since...
And so it is. Just like I knew it would be.
30 May 2007
10:40 AM
In an email from a romantic:
A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty. He said... no.
She asked him if he would want to be with her forever. and he said no.
She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no.
She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face, the boy grabbed her arm and said....
You're not pretty you're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever, I need to be with you forever.
And I wouldn't cry if you walked away... I'd die.
Haha.
I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. (:
I've learned...That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
29 May 2007
4:25 PM
the germs in my brain are grooving to miles davies'autumn leaves.
Didn't know itunes was on shuffle, because I did choose all the emox jay chou songs I could find. (I love jay chou songs because I don't understand what he's singing about but they sound appropriately emox. so.)
To all the doods who are sick too-
HANG IN THERE.
I got to bathe pack change in half an hour cos I'm leaving (on a jet plane and never coming back). For dinner at holland v. Or orchard. or wherever the wind takes me, seeing how the germinating masses that is the virus spread.
yeah so it's 4.30. I need time Off.
27 May 2007
12:13 PM
I'm going home to a place where I belong
where your love has always been enough for me.
i'm running from the things that got me all wrong.
Yesterday was serious angst day haha. Started off with a small row with mum. I know I have nothing to be upset about but I just wasam, and nothing is going to change that. {edit}
I am sick. Typical. I always get sick in the holidays. It's like my immune system goes on haitus or something.
you're not the one for me.
But besides that I spent all night getting emo for no good reason. I've been exceeding my 1000 sms limit so I was just deleting all the smses when I came across those that make me laugh / cry
"I'm bloody soaked.." I miss my brother. Really.
And then there are those like "don't worry you'll get other chances to watch my matches lah (actually you won't I'm just comforting you). Nvr mind if it's too troublesome for you. Your dance is impt!"
And then I start thinking about the sacrifices for dance. Yeah the long list of them. Like the softball match I missed because I was rotting in pac watching the stage lights go on and off. I know dance was worth it but I can't help but be sad.
Then there's the mass sms xinying sent when we got gwh. The happiness dissolves through the screen.
I am missing someone too.
and TODAY. To top it all the stupid mcCafe latte sucks. It tastes like diluted milk.
and my sister is banging on the piano trying to play beethoven's sonata pathetique and it is extremely irritating because she takes 3 seconds to play the next chord so my brain is constantly suspended in the chord progression. Haha my mum just yelled "can you play something soothing?"
Sister says she is playing the pop version of the sonata. I am going to scream. I have a headache.
24 May 2007
9:54 PM
RJ SOCCER CHAMPIONS!
(: (: yay yay am SO glad! much congrats to martin and dt! I've never done so much screaming before with a throbbing headache. It is a beautiful game, and the highlight of the week!
I felt bad that I didn't stay around to congratulate them though ): Ugh.. My bad.. But there were many other people around so hugs were plentiful anyway haha.
Got back home at about 8.30 and I had to stay in the toilet for about 20 minutes giddily puking. It is quite the worst feeling in the world. then after purging everything (yay like aristotle and emotional catharsis) I felt much better. It was quite bad during the badminton match. I couldn't take the yelling so had to lean on smoot (THANK YOU). Then rushing off to soccer match.. Quite giddy, felt weirdish, like I ate something wrong or something..
Then come home and vomit everything out, and I'm all set and ready to go. (:
I want to swim away but don't know how.
So anyway, I must say a big THANK YOU to sumae for being such a great friend and coming with me to support badminton cos I just decided to go after brian nyapped me about it. It was completely spur of the moment, and then there we were, sitting at the front seats of the bus.. Me being marginally freaked out by her constant threats to wear her shrek ears lol!
And then when I was so down-and-out we went a-walking and ate a bag of chips and I felt so much better. I know who I can always count on. (:
I've stopped believing in fairy tales. and they've stopped relying on me.
Gah I'm all giddy again. I really think i ate something bad. ):
23 May 2007
7:26 PM
I love this.
Avril Lavigne When You're Gone
I always needed time on my own I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone The pieces of my heart are missing you When you're gone The face I came to know is missing too When you're gone All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day And make it OK
I miss you
I've never felt this way before Everything that I do Reminds me of you
All I ever wanted was for you to know Everything I do I give my heart and soul I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me
When you're gone
6:30 PM
After KI CTs!
Was a little out of sorts after the exam, because I kind of gave up 2 hours into the exam, but pulled myself out of the stoning and continued rambling on about indubitable knowledge and stuff, as if I really cared haha.
But anyway, the house to be rented out is in a terrible mess. Poor mum ): The previous tenants mauled her favourite solid oak cabinets and destroyed the dinner table ): Terrible people.
Went out for a little 'Me' time before that.. Met Monster for his 2000 calorie 'lunch', then off to the Robinsons sale (: It is quite the sale. the bag prices dropped 20%. Country Road and Calvin Klein Jeans had 30% off.. There was this particular ocean ice blue leathered bag which was extreme loveliness, but after discount it was still a pricey $291, something mum now considers extravagant (gone are the days of her esprit, fendi splurges..) so obviously I never buy. Not that I really wanted it, just something to dream about occasionally. (:
The radio is angsty.
Never again will I love you.
That is quite depressing. Naturally it assumes that the "I" loved the "you" once, but even that is highly doubtful because humans have always tried to secure a definitive form of love since forever but to no avail so how can one possibly be angsty about love when one doesn't even know what it means. This is very much a form of self-reflection. I cannot reasonably justify angstiness if I don't know the essence of the thing which I feel angsty about. That only makes sense in my mind. Hmm.
But anyway I was thinking of random stuffs at kino, especially when I heard this classical piece being broadcasted, which was extreme nostalgia only that I couldn't locate a source. I also found this delightful place near my house near Mr. sowden's divinedarlingsda paulo, called 'cho lon gallery' which has quaint furniture and those novelty books that don't sell commercially. And that was a piece of non-Singapore that like, just fell out of the sky or something.
And it was next to the Sloane clinic so anytime after a good read I can hop next door to get a face lift or bleach my skin.. how marvelous is life.
marcus just called and apparently I am a retard!! and don't have a life!! just cos I didn't go watch rugby finals 0.- I'm scared lah. But our boys won :D wally should be over the moon with glee haha..
anyway like I said, I am suffering from the unknown emotion, so I looked through old albums and found our SYF Celebrations :D
bowling alleys all to ourselves! (:
haha vernus cannot spell lol..
i always manage to be the ugliest whenever we take ugly shots. I know zhixu has other extremely unglam photos of me.. 'tis not fair.
the green ball stuck at the aisle is vernus's. She is a dancer not a bowler so she should be forgiven. haha.
Look at THAT I had a SPARE. The perfect fluke.
my 2 presidents acting dao (: (these two crazy scgs doodettes are actually extremely insane.. haha. especially maria..)
alrighty. I have a headache so I don't think I shall try uploading saturday's dance night shots ): Although it was one of the best nights of my entire year. (: (:
Another random thought just whisked by my brain. What is all this I wonder..
21 May 2007
9:38 PM
Please don't let this turn into something it's not.
This could be the end of everything. I'm getting old and I need something to rely on. If you have a minute,
why don't we go, somewhere only we know.
-
In the stillness of a moment...
Lord, that's where I find You, waiting for me.
20 May 2007
7:40 PM
Today is Headache Day. There have been random germs circulating the house, thanks to sister. She also had craving for peanut butter and bread so I went out to buy for her but I bought Nutella instead. teehee.
and btw i am so not an emokid (stupid marcus). I'm a SIAN kid. I hate rotting away at starbucks drinking cold coffee and getting distracted by a surfer dood and listening to weird locals trying to speak with some posh american accent (haha sumae!). Man today sucks.
I feel meanish and slightly irritated
Oh Woe is me.
[edit] but it's ok. shouldn't have expected so much. Move along. [/edit]
i never do learn.
19 May 2007
7:28 PM
In the train heading for Oxford Street.
Carrying the heaviest books in the world. But, it was on sale, 2 pounds each, so I had to.
Must prepare for an even longer walk ahead, along dusty roads that are the wrong way around. I feared strain on that loose left ankle, the result of poor clumsy enthusiasm. But in these few minutes’ respite, if I close my eyes to remember where I am, the struggle is but a distant memory, and the future one in another life, that's not yet anything but a thought. And I’m so afraid to forget.
-
random things that made me happy this week (:
(:
freshly baked raisin bread! (:
unexpected flowers
raffles all the way! go rugby go soccer
birthdays (:
coffeebean's salmon sandwich
(:
17 May 2007
6:53 PM
I came across something that's been in a discussion with a friend. It is also uncanny that I had those conversations during ki classes, including all the stuff about words and language and thought..
-
We humans are unique and distinguish ourselves from the rest of creation in that we speak, that we can communicate and verbally express ideas, feelings and thoughts, and, perhaps more than we sometimes understand, also create with our words.
[the ki bit ends here (: ]
All people have a treasure, something that they store up, in their hearts, and the Bible says that out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
Romans 10:10 says,
"For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved".
That was how you and I came to Jesus. Regardless of circumstances, time, if we were alone or with others, at some point we started believing with our heart, not with our brains. You could say that our heart was filled with a kind of assurance.
The treasure in our heart became so full that it started flowing out of our mouths. Both these things are needed: the faith of the heart and the confession of the mouth.
When they come together, the result is salvation.
Some things are so beautiful they makes you want to cry.
will the dust accumulate at the windy benches, now that there isn't anyone there to polish it clean..?
will the barre finally stop breaking, now that there isn't anyone to sit on it while checking on formations..
will the windows gather a layer of grime, without nosey girls peeping through the curtains, staring out into the rain and field.. giggling, fooling around, teasing..
will the messages on the dance studio's board start falling, when the glue gives up hold and names slip down like dried leaves from an ancient tree.. or like misplaced tears from a numb emotion..
will the sms bill climb back to normal from 900 each month, now that there isn't anymore "please pass..". because there isn't anything to pass anymore. not now, not tomorrow. maybe not ever.
will i forget how it all meant to me, the one and a half years of practice for 7 minutes of pure pride with the blinding silence of lights, with the hushed anticipation of an audience, my audience of lovely people..
will they forget me, will i forget them. will we relegate all memories to the back of our minds, a distant past, in anticipation of a future. a future with different paths, different ambitions, different dreams..
will we forget the blisters, the pain, the strained muscles, the soaring, the falling, the laughing, our crying
the dancing..
I wonder..
14 May 2007
6:46 PM
Pictures and everything won't be up anytime soon. Got 2 assignments due. There are more important things in life. (: ahaha.
But anyway...
CHIA SU MAE!!
oh gosh so SORRY!!
I thought I should say this here:
I DIDN'T KNOW I really completely didn't know it was sort of a I'm-so-happy-I-want-to-show-everyone-how-much-they-mean-to-me moment and if i could take it back I WOULD cos I didn't mean it and I don't mean it AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW until you told me TODAY eeeeks..... yuckyucks sorry sorry I will make up for it ZOMGOSH I AM SO STUPID NOOB ...
eeyerrrr.
13 May 2007
12:39 AM
"dig way down in your heart you're yearning, burning for some somebody to tell you that life ain't passing you by
i'm trying to tell you it will if you don't even try."
-footloose
-
i sit here at 1am in the morning. may 13th.
i stuff my face with junk; bbq peanuts, nougat, merci choc, a jellyheart..
eating makes the numbness stay.. or does it make it go away?
i wonder how i'll feel when i finally go to sleep.. i really want to sleep, but i'm too tired to close my eyes.
and i'm scared about what i'll feel tomorrow. like a big part of JC, gone.
maybe i'll feel empty. then again, it comes and goes. i've had this feeling before. this time shouldn't be any more different.
except it is..
it is.
09 May 2007
11:34 PM
I think I will lay down these words before I start to cry.. (no lah I just need to want to, I won't actually..)
This week will be The Week, to see if I can live up to everything, and cope with everything and be the best I can be without shortchanging any aspect of my life.
This week, I have to be
the best student- I have a weird econs test on friday, and lit prac crit due, and lit essay due next week. I will not be weak and ask for an extension. Or is it over-ambition?
the best pal- my chum's birthday was this week. Surely I can at least get a good meaningful gift. Surely that's the least I can do.
the best best friend- marcus lim if you're reading this, I hope you liked the flowers and sorry I couldn't go support your softball match. If it's worth anything, I hope acs owned us. Yes, friend over school, anytime.
the best dancer- To dance the best I will ever dance. to dance like no one's watching. To dance like it's the end, the finale, my swansong.
because somehow, it is.
the best daughter- Mother's Day is sunday, and if I can't even take some time to prepare mum something, I'll probably be a pretty worthless daughter.
Pray for me, please..?
08 May 2007
12:17 PM
hello pot this is smood
i don't even blog on my own blog why the pot am i blogging on yours
cher says i always have something to say so let me think of something to say
today was class phototaking and i was stuffed in the middle which means i will likely end up looking quite wide because i think a side tilt would have made me look a little slimmer but too bad. such are the perils of being the tallest girl in class. lucky cher got to sit at the side. to quote her: "i am sitting at the same damn place"
what is wrong with that i ask you? i was standing at the same damn place. ok actually i dunno i cannot remember which damn place i was standing in last year.
(mr mac's back!! back to kay eye :D :D )
smood says she is crazy. Yup..
04 May 2007
7:24 PM
Dance Banner is DONE :D
Yay yay.. after 10 weeks of yucky paints and newspaper and organising... Much thanks to esther and rae, jon, and ivy and suzie for accompanying us (:
me esther rae (:
master jon at his work..
-
okay I am so tired I am going to crash in 2 hours (now being 7.30pm). Tomorrow is a super long day, and there's sunday practice too.
8 more days..
02 May 2007
8:09 PM
i wasn't supposed to be here, but then again, i always say that. when am i ever supposed to be where i am.
A whole bundle of random reflections:
apparently i'm screwing up my life by not concentrating on the things i should be concentrating on. yeah wellpassion doesn't amount to much. i've always been like that- filling my hours with the things that make me happy, only to realise in a horribly disillusioned manner that passion dries up quickly.
but then i don't stop, and i make the same mistakes again and again. until one day maybe it'll cease to be a mistake, just another choice.
but at this moment. AT this VERY moment. i am happy where i am. i am not angsty or reflective or emotional or worried. (yeah i AM worried that IVY WONG and GOH XIN YING have lost so much weight their jazz pants don't fit properly anymore.. but that aside..)
yeah that's a good start. finally something that sounds vaguely human.
Your cryptic glance is not enough.
- my sister is the coach from hell. Ran with her yesterday cos she was feeling fat -.- i kept up with my constant whining- "slow downnn"
"ok i'm only going to do my last round i don't care".. stuff like that.
little excuses i like to make up. she kept going "come on it's all in the mind. push yourself!!"
i wanted to kick her. -
my 2.4 is probably tomorrow. this is an instance where weird things matter to me a lot, when no one cares. i have this compulsion to prove myself wrong. it's not about things that validate my existence. i don't really need that.
i need something to make me feel like i could become what he said i could become. we yak for 2 hours, and in that span of time i realise WHY.
i think i should go back to my old path. finish up my piano dip., meet my violin teacher again after what.. a year.. return to my base, my centre.
and lyrical jazz... Another snap shot of a story I will never finish, people I will never meet. person i will never become. but it's alright actually.
and i know i shouldn't say this but OH NO i may possibly get beaten up tomorrow for my complete and utter disregard. i am sorry if my loyalties to my dancers are too obvious, but that's what they are. i can get quite fiercely loyal. so mess with my friends and we'll mess with u. doesn't sound much like a threat, cos it isn't.
i guess that's childish and stupid. so okay i'm childish and stupid. i don't really mind. cos i feel the same way sometimes.
my mum constantly wonders why i care so much. yeah i wonder the same thing. sumae should wonder the same thing. she always stopped me from any in-your-face, cos i should really grow up. but sometimes doing nasty things to my friends make me mad, i don't feel like being mature about it.
this is of course, just a random thought.
-
my sister's tuition teacher is trying to explain some physics concept that she is not getting. i miss physics. right hand rules and what not. things that can make someone feel smart, really smart. not just all-smoke-and-fluff smart.
somehow this new school seems to be all about the ability to smoke convincingly, as if it were an admirable quality. if people have no substance all smoke, how that is admirable i wonder.
will go to sleep at 9pm. tomorrow is a long day. the following week will be long and I'm almost ready.
go gently
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chermaine
19
If hands could free you, heart,
Where would you fly?
Far, beyond every part
Of earth this running sky
Makes desolate? Would you cross
City and hill and sea,
If hands could set you free?
-
Moments.
Snapshots of sudden illumination, rolling thoughts that trip and tumble before they congeal and form
into structured thought.