31 March 2005
10:34 PM
it's either forever..
or nothing in the end/
Was unbelievably tired during choir, after choir. The cab ride rejuvanated me.
sigh..
6 more days. not a good time for losing one's voice. or for losing pitching skills, or the power of imagination. i will concentrate on recovering my voice. c-o-n-c-e-n-t-r-a-t-e. (and sucky soomoo didn't bring her dad's lozenges. Know what.. this is
all her fault. I will soon die of over-exhausion, because I didn't get to eat any of them lozenges. Does that make any sense?
... I thought so. Things are just so senseless. )
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22 March 2005
3:39 PM
There's this Chinese saying which goes something like: when we give
x amount of effort, we get
x amount of reward in return.
But
Life.. Real life just isn't like that. Life is about unexpected rewards, untold futures, boundless happiness, and the excruciating taste of betrayal, hurt, and defeat. That's why life is so extraordinary, that's why we are so special. To ourselves, and to each other.
I always thought that if my friends were happy, so was I. If they cried, I'll cry too. And if they hurt, my hurting was a natural course of action. And that was that. We all hurt together, forever.
But that was the past. Now, when we swim out from that murky well of tears, and into the warm
sunlight of hope, we should pull our friends out with us too. We have a resposibility to everyone around us, to lift each other up, and
never ever to pull others back down that well. That's what friends are for. That might be why there are rainbows after storms. Because there
is happiness after misery, and much as it sounds unbelievable, it's true.
SYF auditions have come and gone, and obviously it wasn't exactly a rewarding experience to sit in the auditioning room at all. We see people with fallen faces after realising they didn't sound as well as planned, or they hated the way their nervousness overcame them, and how their voices shook like crazy. Believe me, auditions are never ever fun. And standing there in front of Ms Loo, ready to accept the critiques and the disappointing frown, proclaiming to all my substandard performance.. not very pleasant.
But the main picture is still this:
RGS choir is made up of the singing individuals, and the passion and enthusiasm at harmonising and simply making castles in the air with our voices. The little concerts and competitions do act as a way of comparison and motivation for us, but RGS choir is
so much more than an SYF central judging. And we all know that.
What is SYF? A mere competition between schools, and one that we will work to get a
gold. I do not mean to undermine the importance of SYF, and I am really happy for those who got in. Does it matter that some are in and some aren't? I guess it does, and it would hurt to know that fellow choir pals aren't taking part in something
everyone was and is working so hard for. We cry because friends didn't get in, but we also remember to pull each other out of the well, and
sing like there's no tomorrow again. Ultimately, we as a choir will stand as one choir, in spite of anything the MOE or anyone throws at us. The
essence of choir is in its individuals, and that is
every single one of us.
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18 March 2005
7:48 PM
It alarms me how my life and the people in it have
changed over the past years. Things have happened, some fantastic and unbelievable. But some just really really bad, and others simply terrifying. There are some things in life that just isn't
f-o-r-e-v-e-r. Like life. If we keep playing with it, someday there wouldn't be a life left to play with.. That is what's so scary. When a person beside me, close to me, breaks down like there is nothing left in life to look forward to. And know what.. Maybe to him/her, there just isn't. Maybe that's why life has to end. For her. For him.
Imagine how it would feel, losing someone like that. Is it cowardly? To die, and not have that mental strength to keep yourself breathing? I don't know. I have never been in that position, to question and rant about the whys and whats that keeps me living and breathing, and I hope I never will. Something must have snapped, have gone down the wrong drain, to carry such importance until one's own life becomes nothing in comparison.
Is it selfish then? To demand that someone should go on living, just because it wouldn't hurt the people around them.. Who has the right to tell someone to live or die? Who is justified to claim authority over whether another person's life? If someone doesn't want to live, does anyone even have any validation to say
nay? Is it not their life to live. It is not their right to impose their beliefs over another individual.
And yet, we face a moral issue. If someone wanted to die, we should stop them. What is the purpose of a life if all we think about is ending it? Granted, lives all end someday or another, but bringing it forward is not exactly an act of nature.
No, I am still sane. The sun's effects have been on skin, not on brain, although my brain did fry in all that UV rays. And I am very much alive, with no intention of being otherwise. This is not a suicidal note I am leaving, nor will I be leaving any in the future.
The fact is, things happen, things that make me think about how much people mean to me, and how I take some things for granted. How I think ____ will always be there for me, or _____ will always be around. And then when they open up to you and tell you stuff, and when they do the most unexpected things, you wonder. And worry. And
realise.
That people
matter. That relationships are exquisite. And that life is one fantastic adventure, and life is beautiful too.
And now, on to lighter, safer topics, to wash away the mood above..
Today's course (for chairpersons/v.chairs) was a
9-hour affair. How I managed to stay awake to take down notes on the essence of leadership is beyond me, but thankfully, Alfie was around to keep me company and listen to my stupid plans to steal more food. (:
Charlotte walked to the bus-stop with me. Lucky for me, my bus came just behind hers, so I wasn't forced to call people for a chat out of complete and
utter boredom. Walking home, I saw shawn again. Why am I forever seeing shawn.. Sometimes it freaks me out, the way he always just materialises. And that might not necessarily be a very good thing. But all the same, seeing friends has always had that warm fuzzy effect on most people.
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13 March 2005
8:08 AM
Finally, my well-earned break is here. Theory exam finished yesterday (believe it or not, it was held at ymca orchard! Talk about destiny..) and I'm hoping I'll pass. Unfortunately for me- the dumbo- I forgot that I had to transpose the
English Horn a perfect
4th down at concert pitch! Argh. I almost slapped myself when sooneh reminded me. How great is that? 6 marks down the stinking drain. I mean, it's not called
Horn in F for nothing lol.
And then there was the part about the trio being composed by Mendelssohn or Brahms or Britten. I couldn't decide at all, and what didn't help was that I spent the whole of last night doing last minute revision, and listening to
Schumann, which totally didn't come out.
After the exam, and the serious loss of about 6 million brain cells, me my sis and sarah went PS for some letting-off steam at the loss of marks. We took some neos, walk around some, then she waited for her mum to pick her up. The lucky girl. If I waited for my mum to pick me up, I might as well get a degree, a driver's license and migrate to Australia while I'm at it.
Today is another shopping day for me! I need retail therapy, bad. I was so bored I finished 2 Paperback novels yesterday night. Slept at 1am, sadly. But the novels were darn interesting, with everyone dying and killing everybody else. It was difficult to decide who
wasn't the killer lol. And I finally found Aldous Huxley's
Island! It's this great book about this perfect world in an island, and everyone who's not in it is terribly jealous of the perfection etc etc. And I finished Sylvia Plath's 'biography' in quick time. It was due long ago lol.
I'm leaving Liszt hanging on the player, pause mode. Better go let him show off his genius and talent (: Every time I listen to him, I am reminded abut hq's crush on Franz Liszt. The biography described him as a handsome man who was a charm with women. In my opinion, cavaliers don't deserve the time of the day, and I am not one to have huge crushes on men dead and buried anyhow. Besides, i don't like people who compose music I can't play. Call it the unreachable grapes are always the sour ones. (:
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07 March 2005
11:35 PM
iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou iloveeeeyou
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03 March 2005
10:11 PM
Choir today was a little crazy and a whole lot more tiring than I would have expected. Las Amarillas isn't exactly the
best song to sing when you know you've flunked a chinese test which is so exclusive it's impossible to have another this year. Which technically means my chances for "improvements" are
zilch.
But no worries, life goes on per normal. Apart from the time when Ms Loo asked me to sing some melody by myself,
alone, when I didn't know nuts about it (Sakura alto solo), after I just rushed back to the room, after begging the GO to help photocopy the Japanese haiku lyrics.. Which was a little weird, because when I entered there was xinzi singing all by herself, which I found really
really weird cos it was just xinzi singing all by her lonesome.
Don't mean to babble, but chinese has reduced my brain matter to mush. And it was a gelatinuous substance even before the test anyway. But no worries, it's not blue copper(II), or dirty green Fe(II), or reddish-brown Fe(III). Qualitative Analysis is driving me up the wall. But I can't go any higher up anymore.
Today I did the lame-o joke. The one where people go "What's up?" then I go "the sky". Which is so soomeh but never mind that. (:
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