Thanks to a few people, my day didn't just crash into an explosion of frustration.
Must really give thanks for small blessings, even though every other day seems worse than the day before. Hmm.
smoot&tanneh shared their chocs with me. It is happyness really. (:
yay for my band boyle tania sara hyqel! Don't know what I'll do without them. Even Mr Lee thinks I should have more confidence in myself -.- That is exactly what laoshi told me on wednesday. But seriously, after setbacks and stuff, sometimes the only way to protect yourself is not to expect too much. Disappointing to mr b through. I don't have aspirations, nor ambition.
I'm too tired for those anyway.
much love to vernus who literally shoved me out of my gloom attack. Don't know what I'll do without this girl (:
jerr- you know what.. I know exactly how you feel. Don't worry, we know why we do the things we do. And that's enough..
suzie! Alright we have our grand plans now ok! set.
-
I don't understand why friends just cannot be happy for their friends when they get higher grades. It's not very difficult you know. I'm not talking about myself or anyone I'm just saying that if even friends engage in such deadly competition against each other, I don't see how much that friendship is really worth.
-
Got a rude shock today, during geog. I've never seen the like before. My heart almost couldn't take the ______. Got owned when I went home. But oh well.
Someone told me something very true. I mean, what did I expect seriously. Not studying, heckcarism. Seriously. I should be glad I didn't fail.
Whatever lah. (if my mum read this she'll strangle me)
I'm too tired already. I've come to a certain point where anyone can throw anything at me. I could throw back, I could dodge. But too tired now.
Mock 2.4 today. 14.5min
-______- It was a little frustrating to realise that I could have dashed my last 100m instead of just that 50m. And its quite stupid not to know my limits. I have been doing napfa for a good half of my life and I don't even know how to pace myself properly. :x
It's quite frustrating. Very frustrating. I don't compete with anyone it's just a personal best thing. And I'm falling short by 50secsfor A and it's quite irritating cos syf requires stamina. Laoshi may not be pleased.
But more than anything, it isn't about the run per se it's about everything that doesn't seem to be up to scratch, always missing that 100% mark. Always not completed, half finished, always half-baked excuses made up.
Sometimes I wonder- who am I to be tired. There are real people working 17 hours doing hard labour and I don't think they angst and complain and whine so much and I should be keep quiet and stuff it out cos I have nothing to complain and nothing I didn't bargain for. No one forced me to do anything and I brought this upon myself and maybe I just wanted too much and I can't manage stuff.
But why do I feel like I just need time to start adjusting to this merry -go -round.
If this is coping I hope I'm doing an okay job. If not, then it just means I don't cope.
Too bad I guess.
Maybe it's just all about perspective.
I think it is anyhow.
26 March 2007
9:24 PM
reminds me of the 3 of us. (:
-
I started everything with a hopeful heart.
Then bombs are thrown at me, and things start changing, and I don't understand how and why and what (and neither does she).
So we just hope this friendship is stronger than anything else that syf will throw at us.
And because I know that it means more than this, it truly won't matter to me in the end. It's the process I worry about. Worry worry worry.
Because when everything is over and done with, I don't want to regret giving up on something that meant so much to me. I don't really care what the others think. They can think anything they want really. We're both so apprehensive. We don't know what's happening anymore, and I hate that feeling. I can't believe something like that holds us balancing on a thread. It won't be reduced to that. I promise.
I just don't want things to change between us, and because I want that so bad, it must come true.
i'm going to spend my tonight telling myself that it doesn't matter to me it doesn't matter to me it doesn't matter.
and maybe when i wake up, it won't anymore.
-
I went with nina and guo tong to visit jy on sunday evening. It was really really really good catching up. Even though the occasion wasn't a happy one.
Thinking about it.. I can't believe I'm ready to live my happy days in school chained to a dying passion. But that's just nonsense. I'm just tired that's all.
-
Thank you jerrine. Your message really spoke in me. It's amazing how God can work through friends. Truly it is. I was on the verge of shaking my head and giving everything up. To stress myself to sleep, and stress myself to awake the next day.
But everything's so precious. I keep forgetting that.
-
Pammie: love you and thanks for being you.
Suzie: Haha. More updates ok? A happening life is a good life really.
-
I'm going to stop worrying NOW. I'm going to do quiet time, and quieten down my heart. These things just don't matter in the long run. Seriously.
Get OVER it.
-
To dance is to be out of yourself.
Larger, more beautiful,
more powerful.
This is power.
It is glory on earth, and it is yours for the taking.
-Agnes Demile
25 March 2007
1:14 PM
aditi's surprise eighteenth! (:
a very surprised aditi haha.
the cake was super yummy(:
sneha the fantastic organiser (:
peck says hi.
it says "unleash the beast within" or something like that. o.O
(alright~ rest of photos somewhere in the cam :p )
thanks els for sharing dinner with me- rosti n sausage and pizza and snapple. (:
i'm happily pleased with the britishindia-inspired palesunshineyellow linen top we got dee (: And the abercrombie jacket. (: (: and the bouquet is so pwetty i think i will become a florist too. and peck / xy's presents were so cute! and els's plant was pretty.. (:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEE. (:
hope you had a happy birthday! we had fun spending it with youu!
:D
-
random other stuff:
my goodness. 8 emails from xinying regarding dance night, all in one day. O.0 quite exciting. just do do do.
And I've decided to heck about geog. I am so tired I dunno why also. I can't absorb anything
any
more
Die lah.. But whatever srsly. I need time to rot away and write letters and be sad because everything's gonna change. oh man oh man.
23 March 2007
10:32 PM
i'm on a sprinting trial it's all stamina. i can do this. we can do this.
17 & half hrs every week.
Tomorrow may be even brighter than today since i threw my sadness away only yesterday /
11:55 AM
"Everything is possible to the one who believes." (Mark 9:23)
-
Just completed my econs test (: such a weight off.
one more to go! but i won't be caring much about my geog on monday i guess. saturday is cca day and packed till night.. Sunday is GOING OUT DAY yay I want to watch my first real movie this year. (: (:
So anyway, I just got this in the mail from mich.. and I think it speaks directly to the stuff I try overcoming.. This is also for the people who have been having so much stumbling along the way. We need to find our Centre in Him (:
Mark 9:24: "… I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
I do believe, yet I have so much unbelief in my life.
I walk in faith, yet I have so little faith.
I follow God, yet I repeatedly find myself stumbling on a path of my own choosing.
-
Paul sums up the issue with one simple phrase:
"Abraham believed God …." (Romans 4:3)
Abraham believed God wanted to use him in a great mission; Abraham believed God knew more than he did when the childless patriarch was called to birth a great nation; Abraham believed God was telling him to go, even if it was to a land he did not know;Abraham believed God would guide and provide step by step.
Abraham believed God. Paul believed God.
I believe, God; help me overcome my unbelief.
I believe;help me to live like I believe.
I believe; help me to make decisions like I believe.
I couldn't fall asleep again yesterday. Spent quite a long time chatting with joel, a solid de-stressing time thank goodness. Then I woke up at 5am for dunno what reason. 4 hours of sleep, but I feel okay.
it says a lot about "developed" countries..
another happy thing. damian was nice today. (: and I met wormie in library, when it was almost deserted (:
one day bad, another day good. such is the rollercoaster of my life.
22 March 2007
11:56 PM
that my life is one big mess i already know. that everything else seems to complicate it is perfectly normal. i am perfectly sane i am just not cut out to be normal.
i am not supposed to be like this you know. i had a sunflower's life. pity it died. dried up along with all the grandiose amibitions i had, all burnt to the ground. i'm not going to stop because i'm on a role today. i need to find the reasons why.
i dunno how much of it is cos of people and how much cos of myself.
there are those paradoxical moments in life when you know there are things you cannot live without yet you want to live without them because maybe it'll just be BETTER.
i don't want to live without the glitter the glam the giggles the frivolous stupid things that won't matter when i'm 50 but somehow matter now because i'm still a kid and i like staying a kid and having kiddy times. that's wrong though cos i think i sacrifice too much as a result. it's really too bad that i become a dreadful person. really. falling sick all the time, getting injured, being zonked out, tired..
i used to think being tired was selfish cos then you can't share optimism and love with the world. i still do. so i'm selfish now. let the list begin.
i'm hopeless too. i can't make proper decisions. people actually matter to me, so i get my large share of hurt. either cos they are inherently extremely mean and dumb and aren't worth it, or i'm oversensitive and expect too much. i know it's not the former.
i'm through with it all. blast everything to faustian damnation. i'll despair.
-
the next week marks the beginning of the intense syf practice. i spend each night fervently praying that His hand will be upon me, that I will live up to expectations, but more importantly, that i won't change. that i will try to remain the me i wish to be. that i won't become some overworked overwhiny monster walking drugged around the school.
if that's what it takes, then what is the point. that's not COPING. that's pathetic. i pray i won't be that sad. i pray so hard.
i'm going to try my best then. i won't let this bring me down. i will fight whatever demons within, and without. i'm not going to give up. i'm sick of giving up.
giving up never was an option last time. slowly that changed. but i won't let it happen again.
i gave up my violin i postponed my lyrical jazz i postponed my diploma i gave up every single resolution i had in 2005 and 2006
and in sec 4... well, i've never given up on friendships. they've given up on me.
but no. i am not going to postpone my life.
tomorrow is my econs test. why can't i sleep properly anymore. i'm going to try my best. that's the least i can do.
21 March 2007
3:56 PM
I'm glad to come back to tiramisu gelato and b&jerry's cookie dough. (which doctor says cannot cos they sit too heavy on the stomach but ____)i'm glad for small blessings, cos these days have just been not so good.
I just plug on the symphony 92.4 and space out and then finally sleep. wake up intermittently cos muscles start aching. Too cold or something I dunno but the meds don't work all the time and when they don't... i hate it.
well i guess i'm sorry i don't matter enough. I knew it'll turn out this way but I pretended it wouldn't anyway. If I expect too much of things then my bad, but somehow I don't think I do.
When I smile, I want to mean it. I went school today wanting so much to retrace my steps and go home cos I'm not very ready to start talking like a normal person. if this is self-pity i don't care i'm finally well to angst and type stuff out so shoot me.
then I met jerr and she accompanied me for my lunch at main canteen with toonwen and we had a nice time teasing cheryl and nicolette / china about eyecandy and gay hair clips and stuff that don't matter very much to many people especially during ct period, but matter a lot to me.
I thank God for people like them.
I hate vomiting I hate feeling giddy I hate this sick dehydrated feeling I know I only have myself to blame so too bad.
My brother is a lifesaver. Orange juice coming up. Something that will stay.
After everything, I'm going to take that phone off the hook and disappear for a while.
After cts I'm meeting kx. That is the sole the only thing I'm looking forward to. Anything else can just go self-destruct.
Straight shoulders, come on. No one's dying. No one's going away. Everyone's still here. Shadows on the walls. But stillhere.
I think I've wasted so much time being strong, and moving along. But everything's still misunderstood anyway.
So i'll try and do it right this time around.
there are some things I can go without.
19 March 2007
12:09 PM
12 March 2007
5:12 PM
4:43 PM
This song made me cry..
Everything In Its Time
Corrinne May
Sometimes i wonder what lies ahead How long til my hunger is fed They say it's hard to make it in this part of town so many people on this merry-go-round
Some folks try astrology Some turn to crystal balls To find an answer To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and i try to pray in the silence i can hear Him say
- The river runs and the river hides Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come Hold on to patience and watch for the sign Everything in its time
I often feel like that i'm two steps behind Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons why i should give up But i'm stubborn in the things i believe
'cause maybe there's another plan One i still can't see A little surprise, like your love in your life
Funny how time changes how we see
Everything in its time
09 March 2007
10:50 PM
I sprained my ankle today.
08 March 2007
9:30 PM
o2 was fun, only because of my og. Good meeting up again and having laughing fun. (: It was a little annoying the way j1s just stone / clump up and don't bother listening to briefings and stuff, esp when the i/cs put in so much effort to get stuff done. never mind it's over.
Dance prac sucked I have so many friction tears on my knees. The only reason why I'm keeping this up is cos of my dear batchmates, making everything that much bearable. And of course that I don't quit halfway. What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger.
My nano is with matthew sigh. I forgot to return his to him so I guess I'm stuck with guns n roses to listen to tomorrow on the bus, and their sad version of knocking on heaven's door.
Saw damian today. He seems nice and normal. Maybe everything's warped and it's all really true.
I guess when I'm extra tired I get cranky and annoying and irritable and everything I shouldn't be but I can't help it. so when I get flippant it's cos I don't care, but I want to care. And I'm kinda sorry I don't care cos stuff like this is important to me but it wasn't something I could handle at that time. And if I'm too limited, then I really don't know what to do anymore.
It doesn't make sense not to care.
I guess I accept everyone's bad days, and I hope my bad days aren't so obvious. Haha but thanks pam / vernus for the concern. Love you both.
Suddenly I see why the hell it means so much to me.
But the day was saved because praise God, Jodie's second appeal worked! So much worrying and calling and praying and consoling.. And finally it was His will, and His mercy..
I wanted to say something but then I realised it didn't matter.
07 March 2007
10:15 PM
love this. i need this pick-me-up..
05 March 2007
8:50 PM
Amazing. I've got so much jazz admin stuff to settle. I try being efficient and everything, but there's only so much I can do. Waiting for people to respond is not cool not cool. Sorry xiumz for holding this up ): ): ):
Ugh I should be even MORE efficient. Then maybe I'll have more time to study social sciences. I'm dead.
No but seriously? Dance is taking way way way too much brain power / space whatever..
gah.
jia you me.
02 March 2007
10:31 PM
barre can kill. ): back cracking..
-
Our tickets have been cut. Ah well.
I try putting things into perspective really. On one hand, it'll be my last time dancing, probably ever. I can't afford any more stupid injuries. Quite painful and sian. And I'm really tired. And I don't think I'll ever get to dance with my dancers, so there's really no point after that. Then again, if you really think about it.. It's just another concert. Just another time to dance, and it doesn't really matter if there are 5 or 5million people watching me.
I have my audience of One.
I realised (after muling over it for a really dumbly long time) that all these things about tickets and who'll get them and random stuff like me promising and all that rubbish.. It's just pointless. Those are just tickets to some concert, so I'll get over it.
Ok I haven't been around lately. Most of the time I zone out, cos I think I'm pretty tired after dance everyday save tuesday which is my meetings day. 17 hours a week, syf is coming..
I must be focused.
I always say this, but one day I'll tell everyone that I love them. I just never get down to showing it actually..
Funny how some people think friendship is a game. Pity. I have first hand experience of the 'not knowing what something is worth until it's gone' thing. So I know what something means to me.
Ugh today I did a mean thing ): ): I feel quite awful about it. I feel like an ingrate. Sorry. ):
-
Today laoshi commented on my grande jete, which is an improvement. Thank God. (:
Dinner with vernus after dance. It was really really nice to sit quietly and have her update me on all the scandals and the happy things and the sad things too. Finally..
-
/grace glides on blistered feet.
go gently
profile
chermaine
19
If hands could free you, heart,
Where would you fly?
Far, beyond every part
Of earth this running sky
Makes desolate? Would you cross
City and hill and sea,
If hands could set you free?
-
Moments.
Snapshots of sudden illumination, rolling thoughts that trip and tumble before they congeal and form
into structured thought.