Leaving for a bit. Won't be coming back for a while. Time Out, Signing off
much love.
27 August 2007
1:38 PM
=P
i sit here pleased as punch with my grape vitagen(less sugar) and wait for tiredness to creep up so I can sleep. Or else I'll have to do droughts essay and listen to john mayer angst about love songs for no one.
and all I really really want to do is borrow those new books from the school lib- women in victorian fiction, a woman's place, feminism in the 19th century, - or just some random D H Lawrence angst and drop dead on my bed happy. I want to run to like, I dunno m'sia and spend all my money and be alone, but happy.
there were horses, or huge beasts in my head. and they pulled everything from my hands, and I grabbed and yanked so hard but I couldn't stop them and it kept on and on until there was nothing left. Until there is nothing left. And I know that it's just pessimism but they let me down so often (or I let them) and I'm so sick of it. I know I said I want more school, but maybe not. maybe not. I just want to go some place where people actually trust each other, and breathe in this faith like its pure oxygen and not the poison it is now. there is no such thing, so little by little i will let go. or all at once. My decision, my call. I'd like to think the best of this. Pure tiredness. but anywhere but here. anywhere but here.
I know there is no such thing but that's my epiphany.
back to step one. but its too late so forget it.
25 August 2007
8:01 PM
I just visited vernus's new blog (hahahaha) she is so cute she sounds exactly like that in real life..
:+: Dislikes :+: spicy food,maths,ppl who act like someone they're not
ahaha i totally get that.
& yuxXxX i MISS everyone.
I WANT SCHOOL.
i want dance. i want dance studio. i want dance buddies.
i want real polarbearplace fun. i want 1 more month.
1:28 PM
This here is my stage. This here is the exit.
This here is the new beginning.
-
I gather my team of superhuman friends
those who fight demons in dreams
n bounce 'gainst walls like moonbeams
I let it slip, and you fell like marbles through a fisted palm. you scatter everywhere, along the radius of me. The perfect centrifugal phenomena happening in my own backyard.
like blooming blood on tissue. faint.
after this ends I'll remember to let you go, cos we can't let life pass us bye. It was nice while it lasted, and nicer cos it will end. We grow up and away from childish fears. friendship has been the bandaid on broken wings, the blessing from afar, light eviscerating dark.
But we all say goodbye one day. Why not this one, this time.
I'll make it okay.
but
I'll miss you.
24 August 2007
6:08 PM
I'm bored. And going crazy. My sis is playing maneater grrrr. I am grumpy and thoroughly sad that it's the last day of official school. Then again...
What's the most important requirement for your secret hideout? A team of superhero friends
Your red carpet style is… sophisticated like Scarlett Johansson. (Johansson Johansson!!!)
22 August 2007
9:20 PM
Now let me just throw myself against the wall and hopefully I can knock myself out. I spent half a precious hour editing my evaluative commentary when I found the edited version in my computer. Nicely done up.
Woe
3:59 PM
where do you run to escape from yourself where're you gonna go
Ok. never try to microwave eggs. I mean it. It just becomes some vomit-like substance, and no amount of steaming after that (or making pretty patterns using black sauce) can save it.
(: alright.
i will be the candle in the darkness the mirror that reflects Your endless love only by the power of Your spirit that's living in me.
19 August 2007
10:57 PM
I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow I watched the stars crash into the sea
"Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done."
Matthew 21:21
"But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved."
Hebrews 10:39
5:01 PM
Last few weeks, I have been on a Very Important Quest to find the nicest western / oriental dining place with family (:
top choices are:
Cafe Cartel (dorh. Ok fine I just like their sandwiches )
Secret Recipe
The banana choc cake is da best. Fresh and sweet but not cloyingly so. A bit ex though.. ): And when you takeaway, it sticks on the box so less choc fudge
Sun with Moon at wheelock
the best fruit punch I have drank in my life.
the best sashimi and seafood platter in the world. :D A bit ex though (i.e. more than $70 though I can't really remember) so can only eat on special occasions. ):
Coconut Cafe
the cheapest beaf steak everr. plus point. And the watermelon cooler was $6 but quite worth it I guess.
Royal Copenhagen @ taka
nice chez cake.
very nice smoked salmon salad.
Ok. This is limited cos I took out the chinese cuisine places (for obvious reasons).
My ultimate fav is the borders cafe and taka one cos the people there aren't snooty (can't say the same about the other one at wheelock tho).
I am hungry. Go commonwealth for cheekan rice.
18 August 2007
7:28 PM
Pizzahut is coming soon and I can't wait. I'm going crazy on ashley tisdale's zoomzooom you-can-look but-don't-touch nonsense, a whole load of rubbish emotion that is entirely misplaced, a bad case of irritation and missing good friends left right centre. Can I also add that because I'm editing my whole lit structure for the fifth time I feel like throwing something. Plath is killing me. Why can't she be more like shakespeare.
But I'm still sublimely happy. If that's possible.
there are things you need to hear so turn off your tears and listen
In that sense, the suicide of a faceless figure like Mr Zhang, and the furore it has prompted, might prove the death-knell of all China's anonymous industrialists.
I think that's a nice sentence somehow.
Michael Jackson is whining singing you are not aloneeee. How ironic is that.
I want to buy bobbi brown's new eye palette. (: Or mac loves barbie lipgloss even thought I don't use lipgloss. I just want to buy something. Does that make sense.
No one blames you for giving in, for holding back. They just want you to get it right. You just want everyone to like you. I'm just afraid that you know no version of the truth but your own.
The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.
15 August 2007
6:31 PM
You turned my darkness into light rescued me with Your love,
She says THANK YOU so much! (: It was so nice and fun to see everyone again, and so much effort on smoot / martin / mich / els's part.
Yay for 13a. (:
09 August 2007
11:47 PM
rachie has talent x 1000000. (:
08 August 2007
6:05 PM
BBbbBBbbBBBBbeebee (:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JULEEEE (: (:
07 August 2007
9:32 PM
This is the curse. The peripheral ghost skimming the sidelines, hearing the distant holler from an untouchable radius. The cavity surrounding the elation I cannot breach.
never meant to be. always been one to regret. This uncomfortable apprehension is captain of the ship.
Nostalgia is the kaleidoscopic monochrome of the elapsed - hauntingly beautiful.
Having departed, it is no longer here.
it started, like these things do start, with a glance.
06 August 2007
9:58 PM
John Mayer - A Love Song for No One
Someone asked me to check this song out. It's so delightfully sad. (:
5:37 PM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CG (: (:
Today was an absolute mess, but meeting you by chance early in the morning with a bday hug totally made my day.
(:
-
what loneliness is more lonely than distrust?
05 August 2007
8:16 PM
00
Nothing really, to say. I'm still around. Somehow. Things plod along nicely, and if I don't prod it will carry on. All together now.
But I do.
And I end up a little silenced beneath this incredible horizon too high to hope. And here I am. Hoping nothing ends, and that everything will. Soon.
Weather's been chilly damp. Started thinking a little, been working up, through I haven't arrived, yet. but I'm trying. people make me laugh, and I smile real smiles these days.
I've got miles and miles before I give up. She said to try anyway.
-
i know where i want to go i know who i want to be i can do this i can i really really can. i know they believe me i know they hope i know you believe in me too but above all i just wish i believed me.
i honestly do. this evaluation thing is so tired.
i would like to pray about this but i can't find the words. He hears without words, like the songs in my heart so I trust. I trust i really really do. but for now, just right now, i'm scared. i want to stay hidden somewhere. run to the old place with the roped swing around the huge gnarled tree and just swing away like back then. or wait for my friend to come and push me cos I can't swing high enough. i never could. or watch the rabbit hophophop by and the family run after it trampling on their own manicured lawn. or feed the chicken the red blooddrops from plants and laugh and run away when both of us got caught.
or bike around the estate and never look back. i miss my bike. that silver thing too heavy to carry but fast enough to race with the boys around the playgrounds. up and down the small hills. across the asphalt bends and into puddles. the wheels get all muddy and my back is spattered in mud but who really cares because i was happy. i am happy.
i want to roll and tumble down those green hills and get rashes at night. i want to climb my tree and get bitten by the ants. it was my tree. i allocated who sat on which branch. but it was ours. atop the tiny hill, we ruled. i want to pick the flowers for my mum again and watch as she pretends to be pleased with those ugly weedlike things. they really were hideous.
but what's the use now. things gone stay gone.
i could grow up stronger. i know i could. i know i could try.
04 August 2007
8:42 AM
The minor family thing took 2 years out of my life seriously. lol. I was praying bargaining worrying etc etc then when I got the sms from my mum saying things were alright and to come home I was so relieved I had to stop walking and just pause. And all I could think about was the times I should have been a better sister etcetc so I made it up by buying loads of ice cream home. Sigh so it's alright now.
How great is my God.
-
IHC track meet (:
Wasn't too bad, cept I was burning up in a major way. I try offering sun block to boys (i.e. nazi and dong) and they scoff. Seriously man. Sun = danger.
so anyway, I was telling smoot how I'm glad I ain't a tracker cos its pretty stressful when people stand next to each other prior the dash and size each other up. Muscle - check. determination - check. sports tan - check. spikes on shoes - check. I had none of those naturally. Watch me wither away in the sun.
Coupled with the "ms. chlorophyll you can run?" oh no. then fiona germaine and me waited around for val. I thought we were going to be dqed. The baton passing was fun I love batons.
And then I was telling sru that I'm not as fast as I used to be 60000 years ago. Major understatement. I tried being cool and training on thursday and only ended up with a supreme muscle ache and mega loss of any remnants of confidence. Then david was telling me about the muscle near the pelvis which is key in sprints. the one that isn't even flex anymore cos of my injury thing last year. And sru said all the pro runners wore spikes but I didn't want my sister's cos I was afraid they'd get stuck in the track while running. Like all these little stupid things that prevent you from doing your best, or at least trying to.
throughout warmups it was a little sad cos 5 years ago I could say I belonged, but then if I couldn't do 100m anymore what else could I do.. or other weird thoughts to that effect. But hey it was just a run, most probably my last 100m dash. So. Just run lah. And it was fun.
lots lots lots of thanks to smoot who really didn't have to stay so long, seeing how she has a h3 test soon but she stayed anyway in the sweltering heat and cheered for bb!! (: (: thanks smoot I am so glad you were there.
swwan (:
fiona (:
yay yay yay for sru!! (i dunwan to look like a pink monster can't i just tan naturally like every other human being.)
02 August 2007
6:56 PM
maybe the time is right. The winds bring the wave of change, tumbling over themselves in eagerness. To bring you truth. it is easier to mean something so much more than any ability to draw it out in words. sometimes words are just not enough.
I don't have encyclopedias of meaning. Just me, here, with these pocket full of words. Will you listen for a bit? They aren't important to you, but they are so important for you. They are everything. Not my words - these pitiful small antlike things. But the message.
weathered, young, measured, uncertain. but they are there, and they are not mine.
Will you listen anyway?
go gently
profile
chermaine
19
If hands could free you, heart,
Where would you fly?
Far, beyond every part
Of earth this running sky
Makes desolate? Would you cross
City and hill and sea,
If hands could set you free?
-
Moments.
Snapshots of sudden illumination, rolling thoughts that trip and tumble before they congeal and form
into structured thought.