30 April 2005
3:05 PM
If a person is really blessed in life, he never feels the earth fall away beneath his feet as if the planet was trying to hurl him off into space, to fling him into some black hole whose existence he never truly believed until he finds himself hustling through it, his breath vacuumed from his lungs.
If a person is really lucky, he never feels himself sinking into a black ocean so deep that the memory of sunlight is erased by its own absence, like the tail of some underwater meteor whose proof of existence is also the assurance of its extinction.
If a person is really blessed, he never feels the lightning strike his heart, that lays him out in the cold air, lungs filling with the acid smell of burning sulphur, making breathing as faint a possibility as that of him living, a cool corpse.
"I could teach you what it means to end something. That something never rightly begun has no potential for ending, that endings are about what matters, what's dear to us beyond belief.
That when we end what matters, when we sever the hope that makes us real and right with the world, ghastly fingers reach into our souls and steal them away so that we are left alone, bereft of our memories, left to walk about like zombies, bound on earth for no apparent reason. "
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21 April 2005
10:14 PM
*pics doneWent to Hyatt Hotel-
Straits Kitchen- again to celebrate my uncle's birthday on sunday. The food was fantastic as usual, and the coconut ice-cream was divine.. Pandan cake with coconut cream rocked, and I had 3 slices in total. Took some
pictures of the place, which had all these cool bottles filled with olive leaves and other funky stuff. I'll try putting the pictures up. I'll bet the dinner was a million calories, so much so that gramps told me it would be best if I go exercise after that. >.< Right, and running is the best thing on earth, I'm sure.
Wanted to drop by Scotts for some last minute shopping, and paragon wasn't that far away either.. Mum refused to allow me to take any neos with my sis and grandma though. She thought was an apparent waste of money, but it isn't everyday that I'm out with my grandparents is it? Thankfully she remembered to record
Kate & Leopold on channel 5. I would just cry if she didn't. My sis thinks I'm turning into an airhead. Please.. If there is anything or anyone I should embody, it'll be a flat-out loser with an L. (pun not intended) And it is unfortunate I can't make the 'L' sign with the correct hand, but whatever. (
haha minsi.)I will go watch Kate & Leopold now. It's a romantic comedy, but that's how my life is at the moment. I've always thought romance was for the fragile and the weak. I'm a cynic by nature, a romantic at heart, and that's something that doesn't really fall into place all that easy.
The Backstreet Boys' new hit
Incomplete is seriously
incomplete. The lyrics are so predictable I could guess what they would croon about next, and actually be accurate, having not heard it once. But it's a change from their usual melodies, with the sickly sweet
i love yous or the terribly cliche
backstreet's back rubbish stuff. It's very apparent I'm not a bsb fan.
One of the more 'interesting' lessons today was some sexuality education for CLE. And it's true, I don't know where I know half the things I do know (if that even makes sense.) I suppose it's the whole "
let's talk about all that stuff" approach mum likes to adopt, and I am
not complaining. I would much rather have a mum who's open about things, rather than go all dumb and numb on me. Though it doesn't help talking about stuff like this when my sis is giggling to herself at the corner for goodness-knows why.. I'm just glad my brother is mature enough to know about stuff like this anyway, even if my sis isn't.
Mid-years are coming, like it's news to anyone. It doesn't feel like a mugging season at all, and that's where it scares me. I don't feel like starting to study, and I don't feel like stressing myself out this time, like some are. Maybe it's fun to be all stressed-out to them, but it just blows over for me. And I am trying not to affect others with any weird emotional bouts of stress. It doesn't and shouldn't work that way. They say stress makes you young and keeps you balanced, whatever that is supposed to mean. .
But if you ask me,
youth is just wasted on the young.
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16 April 2005
8:11 PM
Kevin Kern's music never fails to lift my spirits. It's reflective, but not boring. It makes you think about a lot of stuff that you don't usually think about. I suppose music is for the sensitive souls. You have to look deep into yourself, and ask whether this is the person you really want to be, whether 30 years down life's long road, you will look back and shake your head with shame at who you were, or you will remember with a bittersweet happiness that you were who you always wanted to be. Then, and now.
Really looking forward to going France and England! What's really cool is that sooneh, tanneh and soomeh are going too! And I get to bunk with Carmen and Janessa, with both Sarahs just next door! How cool is that. And UK is
the place to go, definitely. For those who have been there, the general consensus was that it was
amazing. Dreary maybe, becuase of the rain and the dampness, but still amazing. And I can't wait. I hope we get to see guillotines for real. Mum thinks I'm sadistic, but I really want to get a feel of the air of the place. People getting their heads sliced, and sometimes (most of the time) they're innocent.. It's hard to think about all that dying and killing and blood. There'll be some impact I guess. The only thing I have to whine about is the exchange rate. It is crazy.
My chem PT video is going to ruin whatever 'reputation' I have. Mainly because I look terrible, esp. my hair! (thanks pet) and extremely stupid. And also because my singing was disgusting. I was fighting with the piano for my voice to be heard, so on the high F I was blasting like a crazy creature, and on the transition between highs and lows (F-G), I was half screaming, half bleating, half I don't know what (that didn't really add up, but never mind). Life's to short to make a fool out of myself. But then again, life's too short to take things too seriously too.. There has to be that balance there. It's getting harder to draw the line though.
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09 April 2005
11:31 AM
Ultimately, it boiled down to what we wanted to gain, and why we put our hearts and souls out there for. Why we stood on that stage with lights glaring in our eyes, audiences waiting for our failure or success, and us waiting for
the time to come. Belting out maxican, japanese lyrics, clapping like there wasn't tomorrow, a lady on a rocking chair, a wilting sakura, and a yellow bird.
Why did we faithfully practiced so hard and for so long, to place our hearts at the mercy of 5 people who might never hear us sing again. In any competition, there would be the winners, the losers, and those who thought they deserved to win but never did. Which category do we fall under?
After the horrendous silence, it was very clear we didn't think ourselves winners. And we are definitely not losers either. What's left when the numbness has left and our voices have died.
What really matters now...We all know gold is not enough, and whether we deserve that is another thing altogether. Would it make a difference if I said that we gave our best shot, and that I wouldn't change the way we blasted our voices out for anything? That we
didn't mess up, and if we did, it was meant to be? Or that we gave our all,
but it just wasn't good enough.. I don't know what I want to hear, or what excuses I will make, because nothing will change the outcome, and nothing will help alleviate spirits.
To my dear juniors, sorry it turned out this way. We had so much hope didn't we, and we all knew that our hope wasn't unfounded. It was shocking wasn't it? I told myself to expect the worst, but hope for the best. But truth be told, I wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready for failure, only that this isn't exactly a failure is it..
To the comm. and the sec4s, this is it. Our last / first SYF together. and that was it. It came and went, and poof! We have to start on concert prep. already.
I don't know what else to say, or what can be said to make it all better. If I sound depressed or morbid or sad,
I'm not. Neither am I in a very reflective stage. I just want to
forget a disappointment, for a little while.
But I
will not forget how
wonderful we were on stage, how we really grooved (esp. the 4 of us up front, after constant reminders!) to las amirallas, or how we felt the pain of a dead granny in her rocking chair, with all her memories and pain. Or how the soloists really poured our emotions out, hoping to reach people, hoping that they'll understand..
It takes more than this to forget those emotions. It takes more than this for us to shake our heads and pronouce ourselves a failure. Because
we know that we aren't.And that's all that really matters anyway.
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06 April 2005
8:50 PM
Dear RGS ChoirIt's all in the
stage presence.
It's all in the spark, and the
light-in-the-eyes.
It's all in that confident smile, and the determined sway.
It's all about the
attitude, of a star- reflectively intense, intensely reflective.
It's all about the hope, and the prayers. And the "
we-can-do-it!"s.
And we will. _________________________________________________
03 April 2005
10:43 PM
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on
snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened
grain.
I am the gentle
autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft
stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there.
I did not die.
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