and here's to the family.. to the past and our crazy fun and our frenetic freedom.
me/ sister/ cousin-in-US/ brother
me (with the huge Corduroys)/ cherubic brother/ sister (with the matching tees)/ brother's girlfriend
27 February 2008
8:45 PM
"Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering."
This novel focuses on the stories of the immigrant Gursky, and a precocious teen Alma. Confusing at first, it slowly converges into a history of survival, visibility and the terrible sadness when we 'collect the world in small handfuls'. Very nice read.
Krauss says, and I quote, "It's what we know of love that gives depth and shape to our solitude. The book is about the necessity of imagining in the space of loss and of filling silence with made-up things—thoughts, feelings, images. Everyone invents things to survive."
-
"For a moment he forgot the danger he was in, grateful for the world which purposely puts divisions in place so that we can overcome them, feeling the joy of getting closer, even if deep down we can never forget the sadness of our insurmountable differences."
25 February 2008
9:22 PM
Today, my class was obsessed with the End of the World.
They asked for my take on the world's impending doom come 2012 (so my class softballer claims), and I really wonder if I should have provided a geographical, theological, fantastical or spiritual perspective. So I procured all, and rather unsatisfactorily on hindsight. I recall a terrified student sitting motionless (an incredible control of muscle there), so horrified she was rooted to her seat, a pillar of salt. I kid you not, it was that alarming.
Another told me the Bible claimed that a dragon in the ocean will rise from the depths of our three-quarter of Earth's surface area-covering oceans before our last day. Then her friend told her that was actually the legend of the loch ness monster, and they were in dead serious (pun only realised) contemplation. Naturally, this required a certain degree of finesse and sombreness on my part, both of which I lacked , so I settled for flippancy and nonchalance. The sun implodes in about a billion years later, so no worries there, right?
What was impressive was that they were actually worried for their children's children. When I was that age, I worried about lost choral scores or whether mum'll let me go heeren to be cool. Different worldviews, I see.
Also, everyone was extremely eager to contribute to the roaring discussion of NEWater. I gamely denied any knowledge of excretion floating about in bottles, but they were very determined. I think the general sentiment was a horrified glee. Or a gleeful horror.
It was quite terrible for me, pretending not to listen to their vile but lyrical descriptions of their grandparents' different consistencies. I was giggling in an unbecoming (then again, giggling has always been unbecoming) way. But I am straight-faced and undaunted, and we finished the lesson in perfect understanding of our uncompromisely vulnerability.
I think this beat Stanley's rice-throwing incident hands down, eyes closed.
24 February 2008
10:23 AM
Happy birthday mei (:
21st feb
She looks roasted from acjc's orientation campfire. I still have yet to get her presents, but I can't find any other Prints outlets except for raffles city, which is only convenient on dance prac days.
[ Zhixu(: - if you're reading this - my neck muscles are aching. Still. Even now. and my san-dao-wan still cannot make it. ]
I'm going to bed; tomorrow is another circus act.
19 February 2008
8:20 PM
Brio's at Grand Copthorne
Highly recommended buffetplace
assorted cheese:
blue, livarot, Boursin cheeses.
farmers loaf
Seafood
prawn with shallot and red wine dressing
Western
eggplant lasagna with bolognaise sauce
braised duck with dried orange and almonds
lamb kofta with raita sauce
Dessert counter
Fraisier cake
chocolate raspberry truffle
vanilla bavaroise
fondue
her strawberry ice cream (:
17 February 2008
10:03 PM
Saturday's potential for a Good Day was high, considering the emotionally mauled state I was in on friday, what with the dream friday night, resulting in my waking up exhausted.
The chinese dancers met up to visit mdm ong, but I went to visit wally instead. I was half expecting him bedridden and drowsy after being pumped with painkillers, but he looked alright, thank God. Peck and rayner kept up with the NS updates and gruesome obstacle course tales, with intermittent soccer news. As boys do. It was nice seeing them again, looking healthy, but tired.
They met david for lunch, while I trooped down to surprise!! sooneh (: Paid a visit to the family (and fantastic house) and made wantans with her mum's secret-recipe pork fillings. It was extremelycleansing (yes sooneh, that's the word alright), sprawled on the bed squealing, whining, gossiping and basically trying to make sense of the world; I'd like to think it's been kinda sorta figured out for the moment, so hugs girl.
Also, an extra bonus was borrowing notes and book for Burgess's Clockwork Orange, which I have been trying to read since forever.
It's really awesome, the way God sends a flashing beam of lighthouse light after my wallowing for days.
Off to sleep, after watching A Notebook and Cold Mountain. That was completely emotional overload. Good guys all die in those movies..
14 February 2008
11:51 PM
I wanted to meet up again, but there are so many people i haven't seen for months on end. It's home for vday. (:
As a teacher, and more or less on the receiving end of presents, it was really nice to get some chocs, hugs, handshakes, sweets from my girls. The class was an insane zoo of red helium balloons and flowers, like a double dosage of valentines. I also didn't expect matthew to specially drop by my place, so thanks for that!
my only regret is the interview today that took up two periods of lesson. I wish I could have been around school too.
my sis had a crazy bundle of goodies from new jc friends.
The kids in my class also thought it funny to inhale the helium so that they could get a squeaky voice, which sounded pretty hilarious and got them into peals of giggles. I was trying really hard to get them to be serious (CA's next week, for goodness sake), so I scolded one girl for real today. It wasn't a very successful lecture.
to student:
"you! one more time i hear you singing, you will stand and remain standing. the second time i hear your voice from here, you will get out of this class. you shall have the honour of being the first student I punish."
"ok ms goh. What happens on the third time?"(guileless smile)
I fail, you see.
Then the helium made them high, and the group at the back starts squawking like bullfrogs. And I tell myself, I. Cannot. Laugh.
I stayed back today to finish my marking. I requested all my classes hand in workbooks for inspection, so that means I have 160 workbooks to mark by tomorrow. This will be challenging (heartbreaking on valentines day), but I'm done with half the load.
Rest period involves gleeful whoops of delight at the exit polling showing Obama making inroads into Clinton's support base. This also involves snubbing a nascent worry about the eventual outcome of Magician VS technician. (I also thought this cute, so I discussed it in my interview. Maybe not so good an idea.)
The day I fail miserably is the day a student comes up to me and says "ms goh we're the new face of failure." My heart will break. In the meantime, they are eagerly asking for revision lectures for tomorrow and on monday. Ms Koh says she's never seen sec2s so enraptured with revising before the CA.
I think this can only be a good thing.
Happy valentines, spread the love.
10:27 PM
Happy Valentines Day!
10:00 PM
PAOLO NUTINI: LAST REQUEST
-Remember its just you and me. don't sell out. Bow out. Remember how this used to be.
I just want you closer, is that alright?
Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere, but - one last time, let's go there.
11 February 2008
10:50 PM
I have belatedly realised that I should get around to turning the page of the year 07, and move forward. I wanted to leave this to my birthday, but that came and went. Now it's chinese new year, and while I'm fidgety and a little uneasy about reevaluation and reflection, it should be done, if only so that it can Rest in Peace, from here on.
So I glance through the pages of those days, grimace at the red mistakes / embarrassments, at blue unhappiness and a saffron-yellow sickness. It's surprisingly easy to see the things that need to go, the things that can be erased or put away for 'future reference'. The things to forget - some who believe they can live within their own reality, cocoon themselves in their pretty microcosm and forget about People. Bitterness has many faces, yet somehow I thought Decency was always a prerequisite in a civil society. We're a civilisation here. This isn't about elite uncaring faces; it's about believing not just in yourself, but in some basic goodness in others. Then again, happiness is so slight, personal stuff. Maybe it really is just a benign, callow unsophistication. But no matter, moving on.
There are the things that have faded, those that have bled through into the junior college Page of life, only to become a permanent fixture in my memory, that I should remember when the mood strikes.
The way we laughed, looked, liked, lived.
The hand I shook, the smiles exchanged, the feeling of sudden illumination one gets when we need to believe we've found another someone who could, well, relate.
Hearts that used to race beat slow stop, whatever.
The filly, childish feeling one gets when one is just that, feeling coltish and childish.
At times I questioned misfortune, where at every turn there was someone lurking about, tarnishing the past. It could not remain prestine, untouchable, not with the prying hands and eyes, the proverbial reader-over-the-shoulder.
I find also that perhaps, I never did really have a liking for sultanas, and wonder if the aloofness that promises a protective distance is but merely a foil, a way of protection. But now that I may physically, methodically, wrench any liking whatsoever, it has left a pit in the already-blemished plane of my Feeling-being. These things, I know, take time to heal over, but they always do.
Eventually.
I am in the process of inking these things into my pages. There, they are clear, written, not to be forgotten, but to be removed from limbo, and set in stone. And then, just like that, they are gone, into Permanence and away from Me.
There are the things that have become a part of me, indelible as ink stains on a white shirt. Experiences I will remember;
the ebullience of performances, the 'leadership', the unchartered waters of academia I stumbled into and upon, the pure and simple Fun that existed so powerfully, so essentially, in my sphere and in mysociety.
People that will stick, Skippy peanut butter on bread.
People I've been allowed to love- amazing, strong individuals who have changed me. People I will still love/admire ten years from now, because they were worth it, because we are worth it.
Every day I renew my amazement at the breaking of day. Every day is another time when He brings blessings, and that incredible freedom I cannot explain. Boundless love that I receive with bended knees, because I am not worthy, and will never be. But I am provided for, given to freely, anyway. Whereforth comes such forgiveness, such understanding?
And so, this is where I strive on ahead, in good hope and good faith. This is where I refresh my affirmation, And I'm just beginning to let go of some of the aforementioned, so that I can be free, to fight the good fight.
I'm getting ready. Smart foot in front, left knee on rubber tracks.
Spikes dig into pebbled red rubber, look to the line before me.
Let me place my hands just right. It is a science, this getting ready.
Give me my 150m for the perfect sprint. I'm getting ready.
Here, let me give you a hug, before you disappear around the bend.
Here, I have you,
and thus, I let you go.
9:55 PM
soupspoon rafflescity chijmes tcc
with my box of loves.
There was one tall, big American who came up to me and asked for a donut. I declined (as graciously as any decline possibly can), half expecting him to wrestle one away (donuts bring out the worst in people, especially donuts from this factory.) His friend, equally tall and large, asked for another. I protected my donuts, as any new mother would. If we got into a brawl, I think I could hold my own. For half a second.
cedele
yingzi at tcc
23.12.2007
passing of the year;
10 February 2008
10:13 AM
Last Length
I already know the ending to the story, yet its bittersweet results only came days ago. And while I cannot give whoops of triumph, run screaming through halls, the subdued feeling that I have harboured without my knowledge has been tempered. God has thrown me a lifeline - another affirmation to start believing in myself again. To recognise that a failure does not make me one. That one stumble does not make a tumble and fall.
From then, I thought I was forever destined to be 'above average', only rising above that on my good days, when pen obeyed thought. Now, in the global competition with the thousands who with pen and paper sought to direct their destinies, I cannot safely say to have finally made it. But I have arrived, in my own style and way. The results have shown me I've still got a shot at being this person, that it wasn't only dreaming, wishing, hoping. It could be founded upon something tangible, something real, true and good within myself.
So, here's to believing in ourselves, to staying stronger and wiser, to keeping our heads high, despite all.
To keeping the faith.
08 February 2008
8:45 PM
the plump yellow arrow turned right, waylaid by good intentions as i try to reconnect. with you. again.
i pretend the speckled obdurate concrete is my beach and feel the pink in me preening.
i am the observer of your genuflection that leaves a sad ringing in my head a bitter taste in my mouth half-tears in my eyes
i am the lifeguard who watches a drowning friable shadow of a person coming apart with gossip / with the truth.
i am the sad summertime songstress in the smoke and steeling myself for the romance of a couple in tune always intuned
i am your web of glorious nostalgia ' your tainted spyglass quietly howling the lacanae of your life that you are blinded from
All is right, i have reconnected with everyone again. but waylaid by my good intentions
i pretend the insinuating glances are your territory and the quiet in me is shouting
06 February 2008
12:39 PM
School Celebrations: CNY
Guilty of paying attention only when my girls appear on stage, but I enjoyed their segments immensely.
angel and yuetong
modern dance girls: punitha, naseeb, cassandra.
chinese dancers: isabella, joyee, lynette, felicia
Yvette, yujun This really makes me smile.
fudge brownie from Brownie Factory, from the HOD.
Off I go for my reunion dinner. I will love this one.
go gently
profile
chermaine
19
If hands could free you, heart,
Where would you fly?
Far, beyond every part
Of earth this running sky
Makes desolate? Would you cross
City and hill and sea,
If hands could set you free?
-
Moments.
Snapshots of sudden illumination, rolling thoughts that trip and tumble before they congeal and form
into structured thought.