my back is aching for no good reason, but I thought I'd blog about today because everything changes, every day. And somehow I don't want to forget the process, even though everything was a big mess and will still be on wednesday.
There were many 'milestones' today, and when time repeated itself. But I'm used to it really. Life's like that.
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Today was Happy Muffin Day. (: My first attempt at baking blueberry muffins, with a lot of advice from pammie, and utensils from ivy haha. Vernus didn't want to eat until an hour after ivy did, in case ivy started quote "foaming at the mouth" unquote. -_- Vernus SUCKS.
it's amazing what self-raising flour and heat can do.
heehee.
Today xy made a lot of sense regarding religion and faith. In a way, people need to believe in order to see. But it was a good discussion. (:
Chionged banner painting with esther today (: I am so beat, and so in need of an artistic hand. We got modern dance's jonathan to help us with the pointe and ballet shoe, so it looks fab now thanks to him..
Me and suzie have established that she (okay, we) expect too much. But ah well.. What to do what to do. I guess disappointment is always the flavour of the day.
and when i need you, you're almost here.
The saddest thing I heard today was "no don't hug me.. I might cry".
Ok the rest is just personal stuffs..
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To my dear friend- zhixu:
Giving up is the hardest part, and we're like that. We hate giving up even when it hurts to continue, even when there isn't any point in continuing, when there is a dead end looming, and yet we press on. For what, for who, I don't know.
But I guess there comes a point when enough has to be enough, when every time dance ends, we drag our feet to the next destination, our next practice, the one we always dread. We walk alone because the road is long and lonely, and there will not be anyone next to us.
Not now, not this time.
But the thing is- how are we to know we can't do it. We've always done it- perfectly flawless, with ease. Why not this time..
The stakes are so different. The things we pursue are no longer the stuff made of dreams. Everything has in an instant, in a year, changed.
I wish I could tell you to continue doing the things you do, because we all know you do it so well. And the high of competition, of the adrenaline, the drive, reaching for it, grasping it, holding it..
But you know what tune everyone's singing to. And it isn't really Give Up. It's Move On.
Thank you for being such a motivating J2 dance I/C. Our dance wouldn't have been possible without you. I don't know if this is enough for you to forgo your other dream, but we hope you know that this final J2 Dance does mean the world (well, half of it.. The other half goes to syf (: ) to us, and we're gearing up for the final showcase. Little by little.
Like we wrote:
to soar- to dare. we live the dream.
So don't be sad, don't cry anymore. But if you must, cry and let go. We've all got broken dreams scattered along the way, but some don't matter soon enough. Soon enough..
We'll jia you together ok? Wei4 meng4. (: (:
Love you!
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29 April 2007
5:58 PM
breakfastatborders (:
I love wheelock place. It has everything. Nike, adidas, hair salon, haato, BigO, Coffeebean, borders..
the tiramisu flavour and hazelnut rocks.
tomato soup (:
smoked salmon with caramelized onion n white cream sauce on ciabatta: 4 stars!
brother is a cheese monster.
this is good cheeeken
(: (:
Updates on syf and celebrations later. (:
28 April 2007
9:01 PM
Your Guardian Angel: The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
This just about sums up what I feel. The music, not so much the lyrics..
i'll just pretend to hug you until you get here.
26 April 2007
9:16 PM
Oh no I'm a little scared about the lower back pain.. sometimes it's forgettable but other times it is quite incessantly excruciating i can't walk or sit still. ugh what did i do wrong today UGH.
pam ivy i forgot to buy the tray. i bought the mix and the HL milk but i FORGOT THE TRAY. ): ): ):
25 April 2007
8:16 PM
On this dark and coldly painful day, listen to Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. So you can cry and feel angsty emo, then get better.. I would put up the youtube vid but not today I guess..
where is home on the milky way of stars
i hope to find a little peace of mind
Today was terrible because we officially handed over our EXCO positions for jazz to the j1s, and dance has finally decided on the new dance exco. And all of a sudden I felt like something was so rudely snatched from me, when I entered and they asked me to quickly say my farewells (all the J2s said theirs already) and I didn't know what to say, so I just crapped up some 15 second farewell that didn't sufficiently cover what I really felt (when will it really ever..) and then the new exco had a meeting with my exco (yes, MY exco) and we passed on responsibilities..
And I didn't even catch my breath and I wonder what just happened.
It is almost as if everything will cease to exist, and this world that I've created, for a year and 4 months, is dissolving into nothing, moving along like the breeze through the trees, like a firefly at night. No longer there. Gone.
Will not degenerate into existentialist angst, but suffice to say, today was sad. Really, really sad.
Then something horrible happened and I felt so worried and upset and scared because I know ABOVE ALL, family truly matters the most and I sort of know how being terrified feels like. And everyone knows that you can say PRAY and it will all be better but yet you are still so frightened and all you feel like asking is WHY.
And there's a huge degree of helplessness one feels when the matter is not something we can control. Not something we can help make better.
But anyway, to YOU- you stay strong and we'll all trust Him. Love you lots and lots and He does too! (:
I don't want to go school tomorrow actually, but I will lah. Because there's dance and I have responsibilities and I want to talk to some of my dearest friends..
And wonder why he wanted me to say goodbye to him... ?
It is highly paradoxical, the way we pull through the days during jazz / dance prac and work and work and work and do admin stuff and be beezy beezy bee and then be so sad when it will all end.
wow. I'm actually so afraid it will be all over.
I will concentrate on saying my mini goodbyes some other day. Was on msn with mutton last night, and it felt like I was already saying my goodbyes.
"i don't know how i'm ever gonna say goodbye to you cher"
who can hear those tiny broken hearts.
amazing this entry is so convoluted and random and emo-ish I am irritated that there isn't even punctuation. But yeah it's how I feel. -
TO Sumae (: A rainy day poem for you!
The day is cold, and dark, and dreary; It rains, and the wind is never weary; The vine still clings to the moldering wall, But at every gust the dead leaves fall, And the day is dark and dreary.
My life is cold, and dark, and dreary; It rains, and the wind is never weary; My thoughts still cling to the moldering Past, But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast And the days are dark and dreary.
Be still, sad heart! and cease repining; Behind the clouds is the sun still shining; Thy fate is the common fate of all, Into each life some rain must fall, Some days must be dark and dreary.
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Yupyup. Back to dance night stuff.
23 April 2007
7:41 PM
Death Cab For Cutie- I'll Follow You Into The Dark
The mtv is so cool.. Suddenly there's an echo from the gaping hole in the room.. great effects.
Love of mine, some day you will die But I'll be close behind I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white Just our hands clasped so tight Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide That they both are satisfied Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you When your soul embarks Then I'll follow you into the dark
You and me have seen everything to see From Bangkok to Calgary And the soles of your shoes are all worn down The time for sleep is now It's nothing to cry about Cause we'll hold each other soon The blackest of rooms
22 April 2007
6:20 PM
Now that jazz is ending for the j2s, I just kept thinking about jazz this weekend, about the stuff we've gone through and the amazing bandmates who put up with my not being around / being really late for the past 2 months. About xiu min and how we spent recesses planning for jazz camp in the library, and she being around the whole time during the camp while I dashed about from block A to the dance studio (which is near the stadium -.-) at dark 11pm-ish so I could be in two places at once. How I kept thinking I would tell her sorry for not being around and being a proper camp I/C like I should have. How I wish I could play all the cool games and bond with the club like I really wanted to. How I should have been more responsible.
Swingtime, Somethingood, CAMP!, Jazzpiration '06, bbqs... And then I think, this is one group of amazing people that I will miss muchly when everything is over and we officially hand down Exco positions and take a breather.
This has probably been especially hard for my other secretary and log I/C clara. The times she had to take minutes/attendance/run errands in my place.. Yet she never complained to me.
And, of course, one of my fav bandmate and fellow longsufferer sara - always sharing secret smiles and nods with me throughout meetings, and telling me when I'm grumpy (haha). Couldn't have done it without her. Truly a godsend.
Adam and Huang are super chair / vice chairs.. Everyone has their own little meaness, but we all come together and forget about stuff like that and work together, and have lots of fun. Lots and lots of laughter..
CAMP 2007 (:
nooby j1s haha.
3 vocalists n a drummer (:
sara and vivek- games i/cs!
me and xiumz (: / debrief..
shuen..
drummers / sax player
ian and elmo / shawn(:
jazzers.
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Jazz was truly a prayer answered. And for that, I will remain ever grateful.
21 April 2007
11:38 AM
I don't even know where to begin.. This week was one of the most hectic in my life. Chi dance syf and my last jazz concert within the same week..
Now that jazz is over, I couldn't fall asleep last night because then the magic would be gone too soon. Or maybe I was just too tired to fall asleep. Anyway, plugged Harry Connick Jr.'s Forever For Now to get me through post concert blues today..
my band
-
before everyone left, boyle (the cool rock guitarist) said to me "thanks chermaine it was nice playing for you" and I went all sentimental and I wanted to cry then and there, but I couldn't cos I had to go out for supper and chill with the girls. But that was one of the nicest things anyone has said to me, even though it might not mean much to anyone else. Yeah I turn into sentimental mush when stuff like friends happen.
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do you know what it means to miss new orleans
I was really overwhelmed by the show of support yesterday.. My mummy, bro, classmates, dance mates, 410 classmates (lwin and chay you totally surprised me!! thank u for sunset roses!), og mates, choir mates, all my friends who I've been missing / who I love lots lots (:
choir times (:
my dancers
Thank you everyone for the bouquets I love them they are so so pretty.. they are placed all over the house now yay. And the notes and gifts and music box and the postcards and chocolates and the kueh balu!! (smoot tanneh knows me best :D and the rum&raisin choc :P ) And the pretty windmill thing. I have always envied my neighbours for their multicoloured windmill garden and now I have one too!
Thank you God for my secret garden. It's amazing but I truly felt like a princess.. Never felt like that before I loved every moment of it. (:
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After jazz, me vernus ivy pam xinying brian went for late night supper to chill out. Ended up discussing dance night stuff :D Can't remember if it was pam or esther who said it, but yeah this Exco rocks. (:
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Going back to sleep, maybe read a little of amy tan, watch some 1930s noir film, eat my rum chocs and feel blissful.
It's time I lived and let live. (:
17 April 2007
9:58 PM
Pictures, because I'm too drained for words.. (:
BEN N JERRY'S (annual) FREE CONE DAY! Queue was very very long.. We went to Vivo for team dinner at marche (:
strawberry cheesecake (: (and my favourite cow.)
queue long long.
SYF stuff
will come later..
16 April 2007
9:03 PM
For laoshi
For our school
For our passion
For the love of dance
For each other
For our Time
where grace glides on blistered feet
30 different formations, 7 parts, quietly complicated interwoven beats to the fan.
For our dream.
I'll try my best tomorrow. I strained my hip-thigh muscle, couldn't lift the leg very well. And I landed on my ankle, with my whole weight because I forgot to control properly and let my shin carry the weight load. Not smart.
Nonetheless, aches, pains, bruises don't matter because they can't be seen.
This is it!
"The Dancer believes that his art has something to say which cannot be expressedin words or in any other way than by dancing...
There are times when the simple dignity of movement can fulfill the function of a volume of words.
There are movements which impinge upon the nerves with a strength that is incomparable, for movement has power to stir the senses and emotions, unique in itself.
This is the dancer's justification for being, and his reason for searching further for deeper aspects of his art."
~Doris Humphrey, 1937
For Him, my audience of One.
go gently
profile
chermaine
19
If hands could free you, heart,
Where would you fly?
Far, beyond every part
Of earth this running sky
Makes desolate? Would you cross
City and hill and sea,
If hands could set you free?
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Moments.
Snapshots of sudden illumination, rolling thoughts that trip and tumble before they congeal and form
into structured thought.