This morning, my mum told me to get a good eye cream for my dark circles. She says she could see it without her specs on, which is quite a feat. It's not that I haven't been conscious of them, I've just been really lazy to shop for a good brand, and I don't buy anything until I've researched them well. After half a closet full of really bad buys and many pleading sell-offs to friends.. On impulse I wanted to get the crocs prima in ruby, because I thought it would be cute in dreary rain. Lucky I read a few reviews on them, and Jina telling me about her friend's blisters courtesy of the shoes.
Anyway.
I think the mustard-yellow n navy blue red combi is amazing.
ruby mary-janes (:
I like the vintage burberry.
The purple Moccassins are great. Like stop-along-the-street-to-stare great.
Unaffected flower power!
25 August 2008
10:20 PM
Freshers Camp
We met in the sunday rain, 50 odd people, with seniors; I ate chicken rice for lunch (I don't eat that), much screaming during station games (go sweeneytodd!), crashed pet's house with shiwei for a little shut-eye (thanks loads, pet), sent meiting off in the morning, rushed back for the next day's stuff with gina, got blisters after playing ultimate frisbee without shoes on, rushed back to civilisation for dance class with said blisters, missed the pub-quiz session and drinks.
So I'm home, spamming vitamin C for health and skin; it is a wonderful feeling to be clean, to detoxify, to get an honest rest.
Tomorrow is a brand new me, and I bought a huge loaf of wholemeal to celebrate a day of Me without-Working.
20 August 2008
10:40 PM
Thinking about it, there was a lot of pain those days; those among us hurting inside, those lost because they forgot to keep looking, people crying without knowing why.
There are a lot of lies these days; the things people make up just to make themselves feel more alive than the next person, people talking and talking and smiling such gaping emptiness.
There are many reflections of reflections - in the glass panels of the stores I sail by, revealed on the double-visioned windows in the underground train, in the pictures taken for no reason at all.
People always say that there's good in the bad, something to keep believing in, to keep working towards. Something True that will not fail, when people have. I think, once upon a time, people used to remain true to themselves. They used to honestly believe in what they believe, and lived up to it.
I am trying to articulate what i have long sensed in special people - a rigid current in their personality that sometimes pushes them towards absolute positions. People who have since from a young age adopted a strict but private moral code of behaviour. Many times I hear of how we find it somewhat arrogant to hold oneself to higher standards than one does others, but for as long as i've known the special people, they have never let go of the idea that they lived with special restrictions. Heroism comes with a price: these special people don't blame others for their ethical weakness, the muddy morals that they won't allow in themselves.
And so, I am perhaps afraid to discover that I will never be one of the special people. I wonder if by identifying such and such, I will become (D.H. Lawrence) "undignified for putting a sort of vulgarity over the esotericism which gave man his last distinction".
And so i watch the fallen, and am worried to find that I am not surprised. To the friend I spoke with on Bus 7 home: you're absolutely right. Before I go, i must make my commitment, and stay strong and true to it.
I hope to reach out before I go, but it's difficult because I am embarrassed that they will be embarrassed, and I'm never any good with the spoken word. Nagging is for the powerless; there is no victory in that. i know where the strength has to come from; i know what must be done.
So please help me, i want to be the person I've always hoped to be.
-
Collected visa today; some problems with it that require the mummy-arsenal, so I'll keep perspective and chug on. Yesterday night, after sending aditi off, I was possessed by an immense weariness, but it didn't give me the stealing sense of sleep, but a vivid wakeful fatigue, a very wan lucidity of mind against which the day's activities kept playing. I kept counting time to the hiphop lesson; some akon hit. I could barely tolerate myself.
16 August 2008
11:50 AM
I just found this jewel of a song. Another great mraz song. Best friends - I'm not hinting anything yah!
Maybe it has something to do with the later onslaught of endorphins from the 4km. Or else the sugar rush from a 1 000 cal berwerkz blackbottom mudpie.
"Lucky to have been where I have been; Lucky to be coming home again. "
13 August 2008
8:45 PM
VISA today was a waiting game; thankfully there was pet, strider and jared around to share the pain. Will look forward to crashing strider's place at imperial for some traditional chinese fare, with pet and jared. (: And naturally I'm happy pet's an established cook, seeing how I can barely cook, and then only italian, which is not much use then.
I rushed down to wheelock nydc for lunch with the interns, after about 2 months of not seeing (most of) them! I was 2 hours late, thanks to the 5 hours at the visa centre. ): But I'm glad we met up, I'm glad we're still the same bunch of people; besides obviously the law girls have a greater degree of headache with school thus far. Swan and cheryl are tanner, from rag and san diego, and ching has a new look! There must be something about local schools that I'm missing, because dee char and I are more or less exactly the same lol.
People evidently become cooler once entering uni -.- I need to start bothering with myself I suppose. Which is probably where my salary (if miserly) comes in, besides the fact that we get 30pounds/month more now, to combat inflation.
People are starting to fly off.
RIP Bernie Mac.
:( It was all too sudden.
Cooking class on friday; hopefully I can take leave, what with the new stack of claims coming in. ):
10 August 2008
11:28 PM
I just found this jewel of a song. Lucky; another great mraz song. To Best friends - I'm not hinting anything ok! ;)
Maybe it has something to do with my later onslaught of endorphins from the 4km. Or else the sugar rush from a 1 000 cal berwerkz blackbottom mudpie. -.- Either way, today had massive ups and downs, some of which I'm not comfortable recollecting because I don't plan on crying at night, too close to bedtime. Puffy eyes and monday blues at the workplace is anti-ideal.
KONG KONG'S 78th today! I haven't had such good fun since, well since the day before, for Post-production party. I didn't want to miss the telecast of the parade though, so I watched the taped version (yeah that's pathetic) today, which stirred up incredible feelings of patriotism again. I miss the national anthem, I miss saying the pledge.
More than anything, I got the feeling it has more to do with the memorable youth of the activity, rather than the actuality of saying them. School was great while it was school, while we were that age.
Lady to work. Nice outfit! (:
-
"Lucky to have been where I have been; Lucky to be coming home again. "
09 August 2008
10:32 AM
Just got an sms from jaz, asking for fairy wings. (: These things only happen with drama people I realise.
Oh gosh I think NUS rag looked SO fun.
HAPPY NATIONAL DAY.
I LOVE SINGAPORE!
07 August 2008
9:45 PM
They don't teach you how to get tough #
Millions of years of evolution, creation, and they don't say a word about how to, when everything starts turning against the tide, overcome it.
I end today a little bruised, acknowledging that I'm no smarter than the fool I was before. No, it's not like the air has never been vacuumed from lungs before. It is not the first time the sky seems to have fallen and no one noticed.
It started, as these things do start, with such a nasty surprise. 15 seconds of suspicion, 10 seconds of intense speculation. I didn't believe the worst is yet to be, but there it was.
And there I was. It was over before it even begun, and that may be the most cruel part of the story.
So never mind, I suck it up, grab my bag and head off for the London fellowship. I said Jesus had to hold the fort, because I felt I was going to give up my front soon. Turn your eyes upon Jesus, and the things that pass will go strangely dim in the light of His grace.
It is exciting, as it rightly should be, because it would have been the first time for most of us freshers. Such things always carry such anticipation, anything better than whatever began to reside within.
The MRT train was crowded, but no one should mind because at least there was a Me spot available.
I end up at yishun, and I realize I've gone the wrong way. Don't you think Sembawang and Serangoon sound similar? No? So it was just me, traveling along the whole Red Line until it was too late to turn back.
Jun Li said it was okay because God looks at the heart. It didn't feel okay, because it was just another thing that went wrong. One would ask, in times like these, how many things must go wrong before it becomes too much.
I continue the whole journey, and end up at Jurong East, which is alright because it's my childhood place. It was where I grew, housing comforts and secret shops and lovely Time Away. I tell myself that I need to cheer up, and decide to get lovely fresh waffles. Then I realize my favourite heartland bakery has been converted into a bargain store; the waffles kx and I used to relish is gone.
But never mind. There is a new stall just a few blocks down; another one of those commercial bakery molded after the commercial success that is BreadTalk. I don't complain, I have waffles after all.
The waffles are flat-tasting damp sponges. Like pandan biscuit gone soft all over. They don't taste like waffles should taste; I think I know how waffles should taste.
Is it ok to start getting angry at the world now? But not yet; people die everywhere else, from disease, hunger, grief. A few bad things happen today; it is nothing I can't take.
Right?
I go to the library, the best place to be. I hang around reading Oprah: What your hair tells about YOU. I am not impressed, because I didn't set out to be impressed, so I take the bus home.
At the bus-stop (the correct one), I wait, resigned. Halfway, the sky wept. Diagonally.
But water is good moisture, isn't it.
Isn't it.
I ask the questions because I don't know the answers.
I'm home, mum has left French beans and potato for me, even though I've eaten. I don't say a word, because it's not very nice to be mean when no one gave me cause.
So I sit here, and try at overcoming this. I sit here to recollect, and think What Went So Wrong; I kept thinking, maybe a greater thing will happen to me. It wasn't only tears and rain.
So I don't mind me. I don't mind today; I don't mind the overall dismay.
No, nothing has happened, but everything's done.
it was only just me, over and over again;
05 August 2008
9:45 PM
I desperately need to do my readings, but the opportunity refuses to present itself unto me. It is the second day of work, I come home with a minor headache from all the claims I have to do. I guess one good thing about this last job is I know for sure I can't take a 9 - 6 job.
I have a newfound respect (and disdain) for Health Benefit policies; the headers always start out perfectly magnanimous, until the 5th line when the Exceptions start rolling in. But money bores me, numbers bore me; looking out for financial discrepancies TIRES me; this my mum is most disappointed about. She did so want me to become a mini-her banker.
So many things to update, so little energy. But this month is going to be fun: juggling work, applications to fly off, multiple fellowships, freshers camp (that I am still hesitant over).
What I hear calling me:
my vitaminD&K non-fat milk (which tastes like water), the walnut loaf, vanilla pudding and californian greengrapes.
Comfort food for the long long night ahead; because I'm afraid of the nightmare.
And when I woke up I had the most terrible unimaginable ache in my heart, that wouldn't go even as I trudged in morning sun (there goes the skin damage) to work.
I dreamt I couldn't say goodbye.
03 August 2008
12:09 AM
Keeping things short and sweet.
The Ministry scholarship ceremony was nice; and no more acting. (:
Shuan's birthday party was fun, mostly because of the company and the choc fondue! I always thought that meeting them too often would make the relationships trite, but I am glad to find that we're all still in the process of finding out more.
The British council briefing at Orchard hotel was really a time to see all the familiar faces, like old pri school mates and classmates and new friends, so I am quite looking forward to freshers camp in sg, if I can get excused from work.
According to KS, who is harrassing me on msn, I don't need to drink to get myself high. Apparently I scared him "to death" when I told him I was drinking (water). "chermaine =/= alcohol." KS is weird (read this! ha!)
i got my accommodation hall.
Yup, so I got my 'first choice', the one I chose without realising that the nice senior who recommended it to me really enjoys a very good time. I'm trying to take everything in my stride and not worry excessively, even though seniors have confirmed the rumours time and time again. One pro (or con) would be that there are less international students in my hall, so maybe that is one way to step out of the box (what box...).
Learning more about my roommate will be interesting; as usual, I am the only one I know who will be having a roommate. That is because I am actually more wary of silence than I am of going astray.
go gently
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chermaine
19
If hands could free you, heart,
Where would you fly?
Far, beyond every part
Of earth this running sky
Makes desolate? Would you cross
City and hill and sea,
If hands could set you free?
-
Moments.
Snapshots of sudden illumination, rolling thoughts that trip and tumble before they congeal and form
into structured thought.