philos
liberté
princeps
memoria

A door moves, eyes peek through slits
It searches your soul
We enter with surreptitious surrender, blaming all but one
It tells you; rebuff the affectation


The curtain drawn; burdened, in ways more than one
The revelry over; it reeks of fraudulent gaiety still.


Deceit can engulf you, yet dispositions mend
Like a wound after days of plastered asphyxiation
Like a cobbler grasping a sullied shoe
"get your shoes mended, get your souls repaired"


something like Food for Thought, more food for thinking.
Work and people should not be left in the blistering sun
It might get cancer.
Too late then, the life's all gone.


Responsibility is selfishness
Passion your prerogative
What remains when passion turns cold, like a shoulder of ham.
Like the leaves from a fallen tree.


This is a waltz.
I hear its triple cadence, the fugue's fusion.
The violin's painful poignant swansong
And the tapping of heel on parquet; the mad hatter's rhyme.


This is travesty.
this is a dance to a tuneless jingle.
And the laughter that buries the melody
Long before it has begun.


And we never thought we'd be here.
Here is this barrenness.


-the anonymous;
the nameless.

_______________________________

Ah well here I am again.

Had a heart to heart with dear lunny for about 1 half hours? Certain things have shone through, certain realisations made, certain dreams crushed, certain hopes banished.

But we all come out of the tears stronger, so YI LUN:
I luff you. (: We'll be strong then.

Then had a nice time jamming a little with adam and huang. Just keep playing those angsty chords over and over, and somehow some emotions get drummed out of your system. It works trust me.

How do you hold on to any constants, when everything's changing?

Trivia of the day.

I've been here so long, but the piano's still unplayed. Ah well sometimes we've got to gain perspective. Everyone should hold on a while longer. The days will get better I think.

It should anyway.

And in the meantime, I'll just use the strength I've harnessed from friends to keep on moving. But there is still so many things to go over, to complete, to end off..

i want to tell you it's ok.
say the word and i'll be there.

when the world turns you in circles
and the wind is in your face
and you need somewhere to run to
i know the place
____________________________

when you get what you want but not what you need

Today was another long day. I don't mean to blog, except for this:
stuck in reverse

When me and sruthi were walking towards h3 lit lt3 (haha we were faster than the class yay), we ran into kenny (yeah that one) who went "hey hello captain!!" (to sruthi) with a wide grin.

haha.

he played piano

that's it then.
__________________________

Thanks els onyee aditi for the coolio photo from uk (:

This is cool!


power to the woman eh?

and this is random. The blister from dance barre work. Haha..
This is my form of self motivation..



Off to slumberland..
_________________________

2 fairies and 1 paddlepop. Tanneh we love you. (:


Pudi! He's a great friend and listerner.. (:






awww.. (:



my ki guys! :D



char



kal


xin ying me after our performance lol.



peck taking "wally's pleasure video" zomgosh.



long-suffering ong and longer-suffering smoot hehe.

Racial harmony day was alright. So happy subby came back!

______________________

I wish things were different. I wish she didn't have any illness. I wish she didn't have to delude herself about her own self- worth. I wish women could realise that no matter what any man or anyone else does, a woman's worth cannot be denied.

I just wish she knew that. I wish she didn't have to fight the urge to stop, to give it all up. Her family, her career, her music, her passions.

Anyway, after piano I spent the evening yesterday with some dudes from the a13a gang. Turns out recas had to prepare lt2 for a competition, and by 10pm the banners were raised and balloons blown. Was nice just sitting around pulling balloons for a while, and tying bows. Destress mechanism. The gang- peck rayner xy dc ong william gabriel martin.

Peck's mum was so nice to drop me off at starbucks so I could get a mocha frap. I needed the boost because I had grand plans for what I was going to do when I returned home.

Turned out I sat with my mum for close to 2 hours, and I started to spill all the tension that has gathered these past two weeks. The palpable tension from people, the confusion on my side, the question marks blocking all reason.


If you really love her, you've got to set her free.


And then you learn to put things into perspective. You learn that you can't please everyone. You learn that some people matter, and some you should just let go of, because you know they don't care two hoots about you. It isn't their fault. They know that.

Now you just have to make sure you know it isn't yours either. Makes sense?

When people try to bring you down, and you know it. Who's fault is it. It could be yours. How can you be so despicable. Why do you garner such negative emotions. Self reflect.

Then you go back to the whole problem of changing yourself and pretending so that people won't bother bringing you down. But
1. You can't please everyone.
2. Where's the self-worth.


You can try, but you can't take that away from me.


So I see the picture clearer now, when the fog has lifted. And I hope with mum's guidance, with rene's understanding and my bro's patient angst-listening, with sumae and tanneh' advice, with the friends around who matter to me, and who I matter to, with above all, Him-

I hope I'll survive the crash, and survive the burn.

And I'll learn.

_____________________________________

GGXX.

I am so blur and dumb that I never make proper connections! Denise and her sister like zomgosh. I just sat in the dance studio interviewing denise's sister! Without knowing..

Zomgosh.

______________________________

Oh wow.

That's all I can say about today.

watabomb. (quotes tanneh's fantastic buzz word).

No really.

I love toilet discussions, and I love the people I discuss with. And if they weren't around today I seriously wouldn't know what to do with myself.

I luff yous.

__________________________

Church today
Turns out we sang the 2 songs sung during sv on thursday! I was really surprised (: And I really really miss the church choir. Looking from the pew at all the familiar faces, takes me back to easter day when we were singing our hearts out for Him, and knowing that with His infinite grace, He will deliver. This is when I can truly say: awesome.

And then I hopped over to orchard for some steak and oyster lunch at The Ship. Met up with my aunt and did a little shopping. And then when my sis was buying her facial masks and what nots from clarins paris, and because my aunt is so chummy with the sales lady, she asked me to try the make up session, which totally became a photo shoot zomgosh.

It was really funny cos the lady was pretty amazed I didn't wear make up when she asked my age. (I don't want to clog my pores too much thank you) Then she started applying her clarins goo on my face, while my aunt gossiped with mum.

When it was all done, all the makeup artists came around (don't ask why. I think freaks of nature attract pretty much attention) and started doing the whole cooing "oh my she looks so different" thing, which if you think about it, isn't really a compliment cos it just means you looked frightful before, and now it's just a different kind of terrible.

But I don't mind.

The shocker came when she asked me to go take part in some model competition thing and get my hair done on level three of lido for the photoshoot. -.-" I didn't want to model but I wanted to try permed / curly hair just for once in my life, and so.

And then over there the photographer asked me to pose and look here, look there, look everywhere, and smile! I hate flash.

I hope I lose whatever competition the sales lady tricked me into trying out for. And I wasted their makeup cos I couldn't continue shopping. Econs essay thing.

Make up is supposed to make people look better, but I look funny and weird. Ah well.

My bro said I looked like someone smashed pie all over my face and I forgot to wash off the cream.. ): The hair was supposed to be curly.. Sigh.







__________________________________________

I've found the secret to positive thinking. Sleep at 8.30pm and wake up fresh at 4.30am the next day with 10 new messages in your phone and a couple of missed calls and your schedule in a mess.

Then you know yesterday couldn't possibly be worse than today. Positive thinking! (:

__________________________________

Okay if you're tired of everyone and anyone saying tiring things and moaning and groaning, forget about reading anything for this week. Really. This was simply not my week, but I will not complain, because there have been fantastic moments too. It's like in the midst of chaos, keep still, and you will find..


keep telling yourself you've got to be strong
and maybe one day you'll believe it

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

people will say they care, but sometimes they don't. how do you ever really know anyhow.
stacey said if you don't show your weaknesses to the world, no one can hurt you, cos you won't allow it
and that's why.
how can it be that everywhere i turn there's another waiting for the mistakes i'll make. you'd think its almost as if they're waiting for me to fall.

and you would have thought that thinking about people as friends actually made them your friends.

i wonder who's the fool.
me or you.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Listening to a song that's wonderfully angsty. It's so pathetic it's almost beautiful..

"I need to know when these people are creeping about

why can't anyone see? I just want to live.
don't really care about the things they say.
so now we expect that everywhere we go, all the things they say? yeah we already know.. "

_______________________________

These times haven't been the best for many people. There've been earnest prayer, and so much thought. It must be the weather. The gloom and doom of the season.

______________________________

whatever it is.. whatever happens later on.

be brave.

don't let the tears fall, because they change things.

they change you.

they change what you should be, and what you have become.
or let it fall then.

and let them never see the pain it caused you.
for you are the fragility, the elusive, the forgotten, the breaking.

whoever said that to be broken was so wrong. who said to be whole was perfect. they could be lying.

you can't be mended until you're broken. you can't be broken until you've mended again.
it's all about perspective you see.

how do you offer a hand, when none is necessary. do you then pretend that you don't need them.

do you not need the shoulder, the love, the touch, the smile.
maybe you lie too.

then isn't it just a big charade. we're fools in this masquerade.

are we playing pretend. let's feign ignorance.

wait, i've forgotten where we even started.

what if there wasn't a beginning.. maybe we've been dreaming all along, and that our lives, our existence, it all just leads us to a wall. the blank, cold wall.

maybe we're sailors shipwrecked on the island we never knew existed.

or maybe we're children waiting near the chimney during Christmas.

maybe we're butterflies. we fly one day, we fall the next. and the cycle goes on.

the irony of it. the tragedy, the comedy that is life.

maybe when we're washed up on the shores, on the warm white sands beneath cool trees and tall shades.. we will realise we aren't really different after all.

we're just one of the same kind. you and me.
two of a kind.

____________________________________

I tell you how I know He is always there, even when I thought I was alone.. When you feel so terrible that you have to cry, when things seem so wrong, and all this for reasons unbeknownst to you, and you don't know the whats hows whens whys,

Then you insert friends into the gloom and doom..

Smoot's "thankew for that lovely card I will frame it", Tanneh's "she's going down!" and her loch ness monster. And then you know your day can't possibly be that horrible after all.

And then when it reaches an ultimate low for the day, and you want to drown it all away with tears because it's the only way you know how, and you just want to sit on that grimy orange couch and fade off, disappear...

martin appears and starts his teasing
bren drops by and asks how you are (:
juliet shares some great news about her family
sara reminds you about jazz (which is a nice place)

And then when you have to go off and you're sipping teh ping cos its good for the spirits, you sit in the scorching sun at the bus stop and listen to robbie williams and switchfoot,

God sends friends like meng yuan to cheer you up, martin wong (again) who does his whole "hey darling" thing and get me into trouble, and esther dear (:

You see? He hears, and He answers.
And He sends friends.

Ain't life beautiful.

___________________________

I am excited about our PE modules..

My first choice is rightly KICKBOXING! Reason being I am quite tired of some stupid teenage hormonal boyz making weird noises when I walk past so I'm going to teach them a lesson the next time they do stupid things.

Take that!

On another note, my ct results are pretty alarming. I am trying to postpone telling my mum I forgot a certain piece of land was not africa but NORTH AMERICA. I mean, give me credit man. I did try to crap up some cool answer about why there's serious FDI in Africa lol. >.throw it to the extreme plx. Haha I remember laughing like crazy just after I handed in the paper. I turned around to double check with juliet whether the land was africa or some unknown substance floating about the ocean mass.

Hey you never know..

Must really thank SRUTHI sara juliet els SMOOT who were totally there for my angsting after school. I totally agree with juliet's personal well being. Ah well. Sometimes I really forget the big picture amidst the nitty gritty nonsense I've thrown myself into.

Breathe it in. It's your life.

I have a new member in my PW group, which is already some bomb. So let's strive to be bomb-er! Shall call him teh (yeah like teh ping)! That's adding in a nice touch of dialect into nicknames huh.

I own all. Thanks smoot for the idea. (:


__________________________

The first thing my mum asked me today was "are you lovesick?" >.<

Anyway, this from diana. It's cool.


I have in my hands two boxes,
Which God gave me to hold
He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black box,
And all your joys in the gold."


I heeded His words, and in the two boxes,
Both my joys and sorrows I stored,
But though the gold became heavier each day,
The black was as light as before.


With curiosity, I opened the black,
I wanted to find out why,
And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole,
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.


I showed the hole to God, and mused,
"I wonder where my sorrows could be!"
He smiled a gentle smile and said,
"My child, they're all here with me.."


I asked God, why He gave me the boxes,
Why the gold and the black with the hole?
"My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
The black is for you to let go."

_____________________________

Oh sigh..

What It Is

It is madness
says reason
It is what it is
says love

It is unhappiness
says caution
It is nothing but pain
says fear
It has no future
says insight
It is what it is
says love

It is ridiculous
says pride
It is foolish
says caution
It is impossible
says experience
It is what it is
says love


Erich Fried

_______________________________

Ok dance practice today was seriously draining. I had to go on tiptoes, pointe and barre work and all that for 1 1/2 hours straight- no rest. Tested the limits man. Lao shi can really drill, and it's not even SYF yet!

But meeting before that was cool. We always crap haha (:

Then before that I had this enriching talk. Yeah enriching. Sat next to smoot who was super cozy, and wally who was super tired. And peck helped me and smoot with our forms haha peck rocks. Not after I imparted my very exciting encounter / story which totally made his day - so he says. (:

Shall sleep right now.

________________________

I'm going to forget this. Give me some time, and things will be just fine. I know it.

Dear you.

I so wanted to be part of us, of our growing up together. Of finding suddenly that we can't fool around any more, that real feelings are on the line, that it's time to grow up and take responsibilities. Of letting our parents know we love them, that we will study our hardest, and if we fall along the way, we'll push each other forward.

I still remember that once. She thought an A student wasn't a big deal, but one of you mentioned "If she can be a scholar, why stop her?"

Somehow I've remembered it ever since. What do you think of me now.

Am I the last one standing.

I went my way, and you went yours. And suddenly things happened, far beyond what you'd ever imagine, and we were thrown into different vortexes, different universes that maybe were never really bridged.

Our lives separated, the path between it grown cold and dark, and the dust settled.

Now I see the memories, I see the way it was so long ago. How did we grow old so quickly, without even realising. How did things change so fast, and am I the only one feeling the tinge of bittersweet regret..

We try to move on, all of us. Maybe you have, and maybe I'm still stuck, unsure, only realising that I can't move on.

I'm the last one standing so still.

________________________________

Mega outings since thursday! I can't stay cooped up in the house with evilo Time and The Economist lying about can I. (:

Shall blog about everything in due course. But yesterday seriously marked a turning point in the pages of my history, and I really thank

smoot (you're the first I called! "Ok cher, breathe in breathe out. No, keep breathing!!" haha)

tanneh ("will totally help you find out!" maniac giggles)

lun + sooneh ("no way. You mean like, SERIOUSLY?" )

Oh yes, and my dear mum. Who asked me if I'd fainted and gone to my heaven already.

Coolio.

And now I'm reading my little pile of memories, all the letters, little notes from marc to vanna, vanna to cindy + host, and seriously all the love.

And I found this from my junior, and golly. I hope it's not reflective of what I really am now, because if it is, it's a wonder no one has called IMH on me lol..

- - - - -
"chermaine here is my senior, sop 2. she has a really good voice and she's very easy to get along with, guess thats what makes her so popular in choir. you can never fail to be amused by her coz she's ultimate in retardedness (:

haha yay. ..... p.s if i think about that day at the pavilion i want to laugh out loud coz i remember you ahem hyperventilating and your eyeballs popping when you sang dravidian. hahahahah! "

- - - - - - - -

geet (if you read this)- you DIE. zomgosh was I really like that.


And then I remember in primary 4 wanda (nj-cian) called me: "cher class clown". (Back then we thought alliterations were cool. It's amazing how I still think it is hahaha.)
And denise (acj-cian) called me Pinkie cos of the cartoon Pinky and the Brain, and her simple logical explanation was that I couldn't possibly be Brain so I was stuck with being Pinky. Why on earth we felt we had to be white rats from a crazy cartoon is beyond me.

But those days were fun. (:

And then one would naturally hope that one could at least mature when one reaches a certain age, say by sec4. And surprise surprise, juniors think otherwise. (:

Ah life is good when you relive the memories. Just for a little while.
__________________________

I was looking through emails some friends have sent me over the years since dec 2004, and it's amazing how the fears have changed, and how some have stayed with us.


People will only hurt you if you let them.
I don't think I've ever identified with that. I always thought once you opened your heart to certain people, you let them into your life as your friend, and so no matter what happens, they'll always be a part of your life. It's scary when some are able to turn off their emotional faucet when and wherever they want to. Then again, it's just me.

Haha this is an email that got me smiling again. It's funny how thoughts about something leads on to other things, and then suddenly, the sun breaks through the haze..


From: " [chermaine] "
To: " ___ "
Date: Sun, 01 Jan 2006 23:15:29 +0800

hey!

didn't send any christmas cards this year cos i moved house, so i broke our tradition by not sending you one!
don't worry you'll recieve a MERRY CHRISTMAS card from me this year 2006, so look 4ward to it. hehe.

ok i have resolved to sending ppl emails to ask WAZZUP with everyone, seeing you have forgone your blog.. have you really? I have never gotten around to asking you. now how am i supposed to know what's up with my friends if they abandon their blogs!

so anw, i hope you're having FUN now. no seriously.. from the looks of it, jc life is going to be the closest we can get to staying young and relatively carefree, and i am VERY PREPARED to stay happy thru my 2 years. detremined and resolved in fact.

but anw i digress.


did you write resolutions? I didn't see the point in them really, cos i didn;t fufil my 2005 ones anyway. i am such a scumbag. i keep promises to everyone but myself. fascinating.

sorry i seem to be going on and on. i haven't caught up with you for SO LONG. never mind. i hope you know i'll always be wishing you the VERY BEST yeah? so cheers to our longstanding friendship of a DECADE LONG! can you believe that...

stay happy -. and have a great 2006.

Love chermaine
i'll catch up with you soon my vintage friend..

_____________
only 6 months ago, yet it seems like years since. Funny how time passes so quickly, and yet some may never stop, and wonder...


____________________________