philos
liberté
princeps
memoria

Yay I love them.



blurred to purrfection. hehe.
(and sometimes we just need a reason to go school.)

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but it just ain't right.


Shall go play my violin for a while. (Yeah its going to 11pm soon. my neighbours will hate me) It may release me from an unwarranted negative feelings I may harbour. I should really just get over stuff and stop being. Really.

But it's hard to trust again. Not The Trust. Can it be stripped down to just that basic trust that doesn't need all those smarty definitions..

When you want to say that ignorance is bliss, yet what is feigned ignorance? For fools. When you want to say- let's go pass this and move along, yet you know you'll always be stuck with that feeling, when you felt so low you needed a hand..

And when you tried reaching it, it slipped away. No, it didn't slip away. Slipping away I understand. It pushed you aside. Just like that.

And you know that maybe some people don't care about you. They don't owe you any concern after all. I always thought people were friends by default. Amazing huh. A child's mind constructs some alternate universe to believe in, and when the child is shaken into growing up, we smile weakly at this naivete. But yet.

So it's trusting or not at all. And when you've forgiven, you realise you can't forget. And it makes you sad because that means you're so pathetically limited. I think it's the same as wanting to fly but realising you probably never really can. The "that's it. too bad. move on." Pity I've never really met anyone who can testify to actually achieving that level of freedom.

oh well. None of this matters anyhow. It's just nighttime talk. Habitually typing out things before I sleep so my dreams get moderated. lol. moderated. Hate that word.

Which reminds me. I think the coolest thing is that for my closest pals, their g_a doesn't matter, my g_a doesn't matter. And if no one gets what "g_a" is, that's even better cos it never really mattered in the first place.

Up to this day, I just knew tanneh's a week ago, I don't even know sumae's or dee's, and I only know chay's cos she told me during speech day. And naturally the people like marcus and anna who don't even care what anything is. It goes to show.
.
.
.

It shows nothing I'm just making these ridiculous theories up. And I wish I didn't spill soya milk on my skirt. Totally made my day.

And my E string just snapped in my face. What a wonderful world.

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Today: 3 and a half hours of dance. I'm too tired to breathe. ):

I got owned aww shucks. Time for some changes and new goals. I can't stay like this forever. Injury ain't an excuse. It's a weakness. Something that can be and has to be overcome.

Yeah I jump real high. But it ain't much of a use if I fall in such an unglam fashion. Man this is saddish.

And I have no more vocab to describe this. I'd like to blame this on being tired but I'll bet its more than that. Probably someone needs to eat more brands chicken essence.

And when pluto isn't a planet, just watch my world come crashing down. It's funny how little things like that can upset. How even your world's backyard can't stay constant. YOU WOULD HAVE LIKED TO BELIEVE THAT SOMETHING ELSE WOULD BE UNCHANGING.

I'm like that when I'm tired. I talk weird. Must be jane-withdrawal. ):

I am pleased however. I've finished plath's Ariel anthology. Winner. I own.

It's sort of like this in my head. I don't compete with anyone 'cept the little guy in the brain. Which is scary cos sometimes he don't talk no sense. And that's when I get into trouble. For shooting my mouth off, for saying stoopid stuff and doing even stoopider things..

Ah whatever. I am yawn- tired.

Tiredness can take many forms. It can manifest itself into different emotions. Maybe it's not the people that ain't worth it, maybe it's I. Who's to know..

Stalemate.
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School was tiring as usual. Had RAP, then went for snacking with smoot xy peck and char. Quite nice to spend quality time with friends. We really must do this more. (:

Now that I'm so free, after eating my 9-dollar ripoff grapes (hmmp!) and my golden kiwi, I am satisfied with the current direction my life is heading.

I'm going to upload pictures, some from the last century i.e. lit week lol. Looking at pictures make me happy. They make me count my blessings. They make me smile. (:

Blame it on the almond soya milk.


my cousin dawn's six already (: How time really flies. When she was two, she was singing. At four she was educating me on Indonesian politics. And now she's six..





RG Speech Day: chay and peijie!


sooneh!

National Day Performance!
Can't remember if I put these up, but it'll be nice looking at them again.


the singers..


jen! (: my sis thinks she looks like a doll heh.


sheena & lunny


the sunset's beautiful here..


Lit Week






peck! (:


els!


smoot


two darlings sara and brenn



martin wong


and ky singing. The piano player's damn zai. hehe.


Steamboat dinner


martin's chio camera.


smoot's cooking Russell the live PRAWN. He jumps when placed in chicken soup..


This is Russell! He's so pretty. David ate him hmmp!


when shall we three meet again; in thunder lightning or in rain..


my cooking!


the fireworks (:

Sabby's farewell




sabby and scrapbook


martin praying very hard.


ong's head sticks out haha.




A13A love.

friendships are beautiful..
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they give this a name.

it is called-
fatigue.

fight it, then. With air-con, mango cheesecake, pralines and the whinings on the radio.

Shopping does nicely too. (:

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and now my lifesong sings to you.

- - - - -
Sabby:
We miss you. A lot. A LOT. Wish you didn't go. You'll enjoy yourself there. God will guide you through everything, patiently, in His infinite mercy. And you'll be happy.

But I miss you.

- - - - - -

Baby it's cold outside.

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I got home 2 hours ago. Dance was an eye-opener, and after laoshi's advice I am determined to learn up stuff. (: Won't waste what I've got.

I was too tired to walk home from holland v so I went to buy a nice bowl of chendol for the sugar rush to walk back lol. Imagine getting energy from sugar just to walk home I am quite pathetic. Dance was 3 hours lah. Anyway I was dripping brown syrup along the road. Left a trail.

Am very tired now. Think I shall go to bed without doing my ki essay. There's a test tomorrow, but I'm just too tired.

- -
Trust me enough to know that I have my reasons. And maybe someday, we'll understand..
- -

Oh yes and the geog 'debate'. I can think of 3 million other better things to debate about, but I suppose boserup shall suffice. Forgive me if I ramble on it is only because I cannot be bothered to organise thought.

You know some days you just want to leave. But then you don't have enough courage to walk away. And so you stay around and push yourself. Harder each time. And maybe we're all so malleable like that. We stretch and stretch. And stretch.

We can't break. We won't allow it.

Sometimes you hold so tight it slips right through your hands. Can we ever understand?

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Something weird happened today. Was walking back from school when a random guy came up to me and asked to borrow some paper and pen to write an important address, and he sounded really stressed so I agreed. He wrote his number and his address and passed them to me and said that if I weren't too busy I could give him a ring or go to his house for a drink one day. And then he said something else which I forgot because I was too busy making a run for it. Left my pen in his stupid hands though. Will be more careful with lending people pens it's not as if I have very many anyhow. ):

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Random thoughts follow. Of no importance really.

I guess sometimes you just get tired of people misunderstanding you all the time, when they don't know why you do the things you do, and when you'd think they cared enough to, well, care. I guess sometimes you just want to walk away.

Brother Xingxing said something which sounds strangely like what marcus would say (don't ask me how I know these things. I just do). He said it sucks when people think they know you.

hmm.

It's a tiring conversation, getting informed by others how you look so dead or aloof (yeah, dao) sometimes. Bren is probably sick of it as well (: , and in a way, I guess I am too. I remember angsting about it once, when all I wanted to do was to tell the world that I'm not the way I really look, and really empty all the angst man.

But now, I guess if they want to judge me based on how I look, there really isn't much I can do. I guess it is ultimately about either trusting your own gut feeling, or trusting the person. We all got to choose in some point or another.

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Had another walk with lunny today (: Thanks girl it's great when we understand. power to the girls!

And it's good to put things into perspective with smoot and tanneh. It really is. Sometimes I guess we all need some time to measure and weigh the things that are worth something, and the things that maybe just aren't.

And it's tough letting go of things, but let's face it. Life's tough. To elucidate (harhar), kx and kim came over to their lt2 during the hwach ki symposium, and the feeling of seeing them again was beyond happiness. But it sort of made me feel, a little sad. Not regretful. Sad.

And then you think about the choices you've made in your life- how you made some really good friends you know you'll meet 20 years down for a cup of tea and spa at banyan tree ( :D ), but also how you wish you could also continue the friendships forged long ago.

You want to split yourself into 2. But then you learn to place your life into perspective, and you grow from there. kx - if you're reading this: I really really miss you. (:

One day, when we are wiser, when the whole world is older, and when we have learnt.. Maybe then I'll really understand why.

Am glad peck's back! (:

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in a language i don't understand
-

sister mel mentioned this during church last week. Sometimes we're too preoccupied with the speck in the other's eye, we can't see the plank in our own.

which makes a lot of sense. and then we so proudly proclaim it to all detractors. never realising that it can be a judgmental call too.

that's why the world; the universe as it is. the universe is actually a puddle.

a puddle of rainwater along the murky drain beside the sulfurous road.

you may seek answers to the universe in the puddle i saw today. life's answers floating about the puddle.

the problem is, we often look at it as collected water, or the reflections of the water. we don't see the puddle for what it is. a puddle.

pitiful isn't it. the analogy is pathetic, the message even more so.

and life. life isn't about the puddle at all. life is about the thin reality existing between the congealed surface of the water, and the obscure misty air above it. life is the in-between, the almost-there.

we can't see the forest for the trees.
sometimes i think we can't see the trees at all.

or maybe.. could it be?

we can't even see.

and to dee: maybe its better that way.
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I think it's quite dumb to eat half a packet of banana flavoured cream biscuits. You might get a tummyache after. My man khong guan makes them too good though.

If you want to feel hip hoppish and loosen that tension, listen to Steppin' Thru by Jimmy Eat World. The street dancers danced to this number on national day. Yeah "let's get it started".

Or if you want to develop another migraine, ilyich tchaikovsky can accommodate you. Was rummaging through my cd collection, and taadaa! I discovered little ol' tchaikovsky hiding behind my embarrassing Max 7 from 3 hundred years ago. And the temptation of listening to the Piano Concerto No.1 was too great apparently.

I will now ramble on about this insignificant moment of today because I'm bored and I can't wait to go Holland V to eat my xiao long bao..

It is his first piano concerto. The one his personal friend Rubinstein damned, then became doubtful and became an advocate (hypocrisy at its finest (: ). So we give him a break. Haha.

Allegro is disturbing. Really. It begins with a mega huge introduction set in the 'wrong' key, containing an imposing tune which never returns. Now is that psychotic or what.

Then there's this imperious horn call opening the concerto, and a folktune fragment which is pretty catchy, ushering in the main movement (hooray). Then the woodwind comes in with this plaintive melody, and on its second occurrence it builds into a climax which is capped with the soloist's double octaves! Insane, this man.

And there we have witnessed the eccentricity and utter control of thematic unity, after allegro comes to a fitting sonorous conclusion.

It's 22.49 minutes long. I listened to it twice. I'm going crazy already.

holland v here I come. Crystal jade cakery goodies going at $1. (:

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Finally up!

Click -Nat Day Performance pictures

That's one thing done.. 6 million more to go (:


i'm stronger these days..

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A three hour long chat. There was something valuable there, something noteworthy. Prove that I lie. Prove that I'm not who I am, why don't you.

One would expect trust between friends. You would maybe even require it.

Trust is elusive. Trust is something I thought could happen. Trust can't be dead. I won't allow it.


You're not that different after all. You're just one and the same. Maybe it is better the way it is.

Oh well. Happy National Day.
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You can try

but you can't take this away from me.

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Anglican High Performing Arts Concert

Esplanade concert last sunday was interesting, though the tickets were a little pricey. My uncle bought 5 $100 ones and 7 $60, but then again he's vice principal, so.



my mummy!

I was trying to take artsy shots from the cab on the way there. Nothing turned out nice at all. The light was too strong, the cab was shaky, the trees were a blur. Ah well there's a reason I ain't a cool photographer like julee haha. Her shots during lit week were fabulous the heart ones were so pretty!







my dear cousin (: met her again on thurs she came rj to give a talk for the j2s!


I like the song+kelly dress. (:






and the finale. (sneaky shot!) uncle's the one at the front right. squint harder. haha.

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TERM PAPER GGXX.

It is an unearthly hour now.. I am still up, and my term paper does not make any sense. It doesn't even connect in terms of grammer and sentence structure and what not.

Zomgosh.

The Administrator: says:
ok anyway..... the way u acted in class today reminded me of one of my cadets 2 years ago

cher ) says:
like how?

The Administrator: says:
that was before he reached a breakdown point
mood swing.... change in style of speaking suddenly

cher ) says:
really arh

The Administrator: says:
so i'm telling u first...

I can't be heading for IMH please I still have a lot of things I haven't done.

Thanks william annliang smoot! dee peck and everyone else who offered help online. It is really greatly appreciated. I press on knowing there are people who'll push me on, even though we all run the race ourselves.

back to termpaper

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