philos
liberté
princeps
memoria

Funny. I stupidly send a reply to the whole humanz email add instead of aditi's. Stupid hotmail.

"Oh no. here comes that sun again.

And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away -

walk away. "

Those are the lyrics from teddy, from some song. Quite nice.

-

You know the feeling of wanting so badly to do something, yet not being able to. It's a cold clutch of frustration. It's the fisted self-anger. It's the angst.

And whatever its eventual destination, it is both stressful (hate that word)and painful for that moment. And I hate it.

I hate the feeling of ineptness, of being given wings, but not knowing how to fly.

And what can I do. I don't know how, what, why. And I won't give up. I can't either. I'm stuck in limbo. In this purgatory.

But it's alright. I'll survive this time. Just like I did then, just like I'll do once more.

Cos I want to believe that just this once, I can't disappoint again. And just because I've always believed it to be...

It will. Please?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -



Yilun was fanstastic in threesome. The girl didn't even tell me she was the lead when she was stressing out on thursday! Imagine my amazement when she emerged in brown as the wild one. And her acting was great. The anger, the hatred, the doubting. So subtle, it made my hair stand, literally. It was, well, powerful.

The words were impactful themselves, but the power came with the emotion tied to those words. And the stereotypes reminded me of the 7 deadly sins. We can't break free because we're too safe in our idiosyncrasies. Our constancy cannot be shaken; we will always be afraid, hungry for more, self-absorbed, dogmatic, afraid. And the fear isn't irrational. The fear constantly looks inward, self-conscious, insecure. We are afraid.

Who's to blame really.

But never mind that. It isn't worth anything.. Not anymore.



(:

After threesome was fun. Went holland village to soak in the nightlife, and I met my ex hairdresser travis in some bar. (Note: I was walking pass bars, not into them. in case my tattertale sister reads this) I don't go raffles city to get my hair treated any more, so we had a lot of catching up to do! Lucky I had treatment at holland v just before threesome, so my head was relatively lighter and I looked less like a drowned rat, so I didn't catch hell from him. (:

But I messaged mum to tell her I was getting drunk at some bar (note to sister again: we went coffee club to chat, not a bar), and not to expect me home yet. She messaged back and told me to have fun. I love my mum. :D She knows I wouldn't, and I know I wouldn't. So there's trust. (: And that's most important for any relationship. That, and love. (: Generic.

-

And I finally have dance night pictures lol..
I shall dump a few here, just cos they make me happy.


suzie esther



another daizu shot!


yay.

__________________________

NUS Library is pretty and spacious and very conducive. I can imagine myself as another undergrad meeting friends at the reference section with a skinny state-of-the-art samsung wine-red laptop. (ok the laptop part is wishful thinking) Thanks on yee! (:

Was looking out for jon leong for smoot and tanneh, but he wasn't around. ): I brought a notebook and coloured pens along just in case, so I could bug him for a nice autograph. Oh well. Fate thought otherwise..

Heartland shopping with mich, julee and bren! (: It was cool cos stuff was really cheap and the clothes were nice. Bren needed a pedicure so we hopped over to nail studio for express manicure (me) and pedi (bren, julee). Their warm choco-brown shade is very chio. And I could finally get a pale frost pink inside of the usual clear shade I have to get, cos of school bleh.

On my way back, I saw lenard on the bus, gorging himself on delifrance. Then I tripped and ruined the left side of my manicure. Tsk.

Go yilun go! Imagine 3 consecutive nights of acting. Mega tiring.


Aditi thought my sis was older than me- J2! It's the height, right? Please let it be the height..
(:

it's just a little too late. it's the end of you and me.

My bro's listening to 98.7 FM. All the angsty songs are playing now.. Thanks peck, weilip, tanneh for sharing the angst last evening. (: Guess what I slept at 1.45 am zomgosh. I love Prison Break. Miller is the hottest thing.. And he's brilliant too!


_____________________________________

Unimpressive, unimpressed.

As usual.

I'm tired. It's the last day of school, and I need to be far away, for once. Still, silent, and far away.

Time off.

Back to the beginning, when it wasn't so alien, so off-centre, so different. So wrong.
It's back to the basics I guess.

i wanna decide cos it's worth deciding. to work on finding something than this.


Back to knowing what matters after all. Back to trying to take care of myself, and the way I'm turning out. In a way, knowing I can't be everything I want to be.


It's funny. Who would have ever guessed I'd ever learn to let these walls around me burn.

Sometimes I don't know what to do anymore. But then, that's really nothing new. Things sneak up at the strangest times. On the bus to school.. The wrong song plays, and then suddenly everything sweeps forward, and the numbness that was my barrier just leaves me like the shadows that still the night.

things my heart used to know

And yay I can finally hold my handstand! proud of me? It doesn't matter really. I just hope I could.


It's not good unfortunately. Never mind I'll work at it.

Just like I have to work on everything else.



I won't stop you know. I can't. I'm on the ride that leads to nowhere..

__________________________________

I uncovered a treasure last week, and am as pleased as punch. (: It's not every day that I find another gem of a book, and this one comes very close to being the perfect biography. And the best thing was it is very new and pretty. I don't really like reading tattered copies. Sort of kills the magic of presentation.




Plath knew that if she didn't care too much, she might not care at all.

Which is scarier, I wonder. Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously near to wanting nothing.

What constantly amazes me is the contrast between the large, powerful panzer-woman of Ariel, who "eats men like air" and "adores a Fascist", and the little defeated American girl in her chilly, sparsely furnished flat, who turns on the gas taps and lays her head in the oven to end it, just because she could.

Like Plath triumphantly exclaims in the opening of Lady Lazarus,

Dying
Is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call,


There is a sense of elation she feels. Perhaps then, to take one's life is to behave in a more active, assertive way than to helplessly watch as one's life is taken away from one by inevitable mortality. Who's to know anyhow?


This is a slightly depressing thought. Cough sputter. Then again, life, of course, never gets anyone's entire attention. Death always remains interesting- pulls us, draws us.

ah well.

-

But anyway, saturday was fun. I went to eat the nicest but extremely oily commonwealth chicken rice after church. Despite the impending diarrhea that will plague me. Brave soul. And while I was buying dark choc at ntuc, peck was attending the youth service, and pastor David was singing again! (: Uncanny.

Ate oyster today. It is definitely an acquired taste, and I am still acquiring it. Went to The Ship at orchard for a nice lunch.




the oyster looks terrible. But it actually doesn't taste that bad..




my sisterr. Who doesn't look at all like me, but sounds exactly like me. (:




she looks so nice with my grandpa. Loves gramps.




She says this shall be her prom dress, so that she can be the only caterpillar in prom. I applaud.







and dinner. I am going to baozha. Reminds me of Open House though.



I am better. Thank you. (:


[add]
the radio's screaming, and my brain echoes..

Standing on the rooftop, everybody scream your heart out.

What I wouldn't give..
[/add]

_____________________________________

Pity pity pity.

Thanks to weilip for listening to the angst.

And sumae I love you. We all do. (:

(Backdated entry)

Just imagine.
We wake under the same sky every morning. We breathe in the dusty dawn, and we do our chores, fix our hair, eat our breakfast, or skip meals to stay skinny.

whatever it is that makes our world go around.

and we are so different. we cannot even begin to comprehend how we can meet at this time, at this place. everything's all the same, it's up the carousel, and back down again.
it's like living in a cruel constancy, spun time from sleeping beauty's wheel, "by revolution lowering", as antony declares.

you know, after someone takes a bath, and the bathroom mirror gets fogged up, if you place your hand flat on the mirror, you can leave a handprint. you see your face through the imprint of your hand, but place it for too long, and the water slides down the mirror. and you reveal more.



do you see yourself clearer, or is it only a more convoluted, more unidentifiable you. is it that we see so much, but know so little..

you are afraid of things because you fear knowing who you really are. what if everything fell apart, and i was just left alone without any shield of ambition or far-reaching aspiration for me to hide behind. i cannot just be the sum of my emotion can i.

am i?

it's the cruel consistency some will face. sometimes you end up the winner of the game you don't even know how to play.

and then there's relationships and trust.

i always thought you could never fully trust the Other. I guess we are all scared. But what is infinitely more scary is if it's your own heart you can't trust. you don't know what you're getting yourself into. you don't know if you're unwittingly playing that game that everyone seems not to understand.

there are unspoken rules, and we all know them. it's like dancing without feet, like breathing without air, like looking without seeing.

and people ask for too much from me. far more than i'm willing to give. and i ask for too much from people. and we learn the boundaries to the game, little by little, slowly steadily surely.


i've always wanted a lava lamp. it always looks like ordered chaos, of stretching bubbles through viscous substance that changes forms all the time. there's a continuity in the movement, a pattern in the disorder.

i saw one in australia the last time i was there. it cost about A$200, so i couldn't get it.
but it was so pretty, i dreamt about it for quite a while.


yes. i don't even understand me now.

which is funny, because while i was drawing words on the foggy mirror, i suddenly realised something.

i've had it all wrong from the beginning. friends aren't those who still accept you despite your flaws. friends are those who still accept you, despite your perfections, your success, your happiness.


there are those people who you can't go to if you're feeling particularly beautiful or happy, because you know it will upset the balance of your friendship. because you know they may not feel as happy for you as you would hope they could, or because you don't want them to feel left out, or whatever.



and if you have to snuff out your candle, only so that others may shine brighter...
then take the light elsewhere, take it where it is really useful, where people may love the light, love you.

i'm not saying we all need to inflate our egos and set the place on fire.
i'm saying if you've got friends who are there for you no matter what.
then you've found your friends for a lifetime..


i think that's the thing with lava lamps. you can't expect anything from the forms they take, you can't deny anything that happens, just like you can't predict anything will.


lava lamps are our existence.

___________________________________

Open House 2006

I like the befrienders' dance. Danced it twice with ong, once with weilip. I thought ong pangseh-ed me for the first dance when I couldn't find him, but it was alright cos I got to see the rest of the people dancing. :D

Was in school at 7.30 to set up the booth with vernus pam and ivy. It's great how there are so many super responsible people in the comm! Makes everything so so much easier really.


Ain't that pretty. (:



yihui! early in the morn: booth preparation




the flower in the hair! My idea for those interested in chinese dance. (:
(my sis was right I do use lots of clips. I don't really like fly away hair. :( )




the jazz booth! It's so pretty thanks to sneha!



haha.



with makeup and hair done. getting ready for performance. Thanks to vernus. Vernus's eyes are so nice with the eye liner! She's a pro.





with jo! Watching dance videos with jo and xinying is fun. Reflections on laptops are important too.. ;)






tanneh and me! (I realise I didn't get to take any with smoot. She was the geog booth saikang :P My first time using that word. I learn fast. )




gen me. :D I just realised she's really tall..




pudi pang. Pudi if you're reading this, I LIKE strikethroughs okayy. ;)



not a good shot of poor ky, but this will suffice. His poor vocal cords.. ):



me and dear lun!



suwan me



the bruise from dance. (: I've got another two on the other leg. One was because GEN kicked me when she was the guy partner for practice. Heh.

That's it. Quite fun. (: Went home and GGed. Fell asleep on the couch watching CSI. Was awaken by some dude who called me up just to hum some tune for me because it was stuck in his head O.o.

Oh yes. Must thank the people who bothered to watch my performance. (: Tanneh smoot you both are great because I'm always asking both of you to look out for my mistakes / wrong moves etc and it's really really appreciated. I think while I was on stage I saw weilip pudi peck wilson as well. :D You guys are cool.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

There was an O team meeting today. Saw more or less the same people, not that I'm complaining. ;)

Then I met my bro on the bus on the way back! Like I told wally, it's FATE. My bro had taekwondo grading today. Hopefully his kicks were impressive enough to skip a belt. I sort of think it's a waste of time because he already has a black belt from the taekwondo academy. But now it's the Federation. I don't see what's different really. -.- Never mind.

I also don't see why the raffles shirt gets so much attention. The first was when I was walking towards holland v subway. One boy from his gang of acjc boys started went "hey rj!" and did a salute. Right...

The other one was when I was queuing for my food. This 1.9m tall dood started crapping talking about how he thought rj was a good school but he didn't like the people there, yada yada blah. Then he started doing this whole comparison with his school, a pretty famous one. Then he ordered 2 footlongs and told me he was really hungry. That was when I decided he was slightly insane so made my hasty exit.

I'm going to sleep again, and it's only 4pm. Have COOS in 2 hours!

___________________________________

Had a really great time with tanneh smoot aditi pudi daniel ong ann liang today, doing up the lit display on level 3. We're really wacked out. (:

And I will say once and for all I don't think ong's a noObie dancer (: He's a nice dancing partner. I think I've been kind of mean to him, but I mean this, so.


And I just want to add that no one should mess with my friends. Really. If there's anything about me, it's that you shouldn't mess with friends because it's mean and I don't like it. You may think who cares or she's crazy or whatever. But yeah. I like to think that I take good care of my friends, because we all need to stand up for people at some point.

___ ____ ____ ____ _____ _____ ____

The secret in life is that everyone must sew it for himself.

So says Kierkegaard.

It's how we make do with the things we've got, with the things we're given. It's a constant struggle between being yourself, and being the you you really want to be. And sometimes some of us don't know where to start looking for ourselves.

I am constantly amazed how many often think it's all about them. I've made the exact mistake, and maybe I'm still making it. But the one thing I'm sure about is I don't put up performances for people. It's very tiring if you keep pretending to be someone you're not.

Life's not a stage you know. There isn't a curtain call, there isn't anyone in the audience watching you. Why do we pretend.

Personally I think I can tell when I'm watching a performance. I've been in a few (real performances), maybe enough to know an act when I see one.

(This isn't at all important, it's just me thinking.)

It's really a pity how people succumb to a designated role, the role they think they must / should play.
It's a shame how we all can't just be ourselves.
Maybe we're worried that no one will love us if we are who we are.

The most confident people are those who can say: I don't need the world to love me.

You try pleasing everyone, you end up shortchanging yourself.
That is the painful pathetic comedy in your tragic life.

(It must be Madonna messing with my mind. I don't know why I begin this, or how to end it.)

I'm staring at The Picture. It is inspirational. Thanks tanneh.

____________________________________

It is Very Late Now. I don't even typer proper engrish animore.

And so...
top 10 facts complete rubbish about me,
as of now.

#1
i have cool friends i've collected throughout. someone told me life's a constant process of losing and gaining friends. i think its more a process of finding the gems among the rocks. it's all about wavelengths really. i've found ppl i can click with, and that's really great.

#2
i like to shop. yeah no duh. as in, really just go out into the big bad world and spend everything, then return home and get owned.
"you think i print money ah!" -.-
these days, however, i've decided to quit spending. ): turning over a new leaf!

#3
i don't dig second hand stuff. anything second hand, no thanks. even if free or pay me i dowan. unless its from a friend then that's a different story.

#4
i am in love with the calvin klein scent euphoria. like seriously. Smoot has it too, she obviously has good taste. someone buy for me and i will love you 4eva.

#5
i nag a lot. peck thinks i can be a professional nagger one day. i try my best.

#6
i have a dysfunctional family. my mum thinks plastic surgery may help me. never mind that any conventional loving mum will say
"beauty is only skin deep" or some other proverbial wisdom.
Never mind. Me looking like a hammerhead shark has nothing to do with anyone. Ah whatever.

#7
i like manicured nails. it's like some people need their pet cat or their handphone. same thing.

#8
i have only one pet peeve. one for each gender. i think its funny when people just go on and on about their pet peeves. the fav pet peeve is hypocrisy, so it seems. which is a little weird, because hypocrisy is everywhere. i doubt there isn't anyone who isn't, to some extent. that is just how society functions i guess. deal.

#9
i don't like to talk about my pet peeves because maybe it'll be obvious. i am aware how people read into things too much, and i don't want that.

this is just random rubbish after all. everyone shld do this sometime. it stops you from taking yourself too seriously. the funniest thing about growing up is when you get all psychoanalytical about your character and your life. maybe that's good, mayb it isn't. i will never know. steph thinks its self absorbed attitude. i think its just growing. (yeah growing more self absorbed)

#10
i like to ask people what they think. and when i do i really want to know. i'm not just making conversation. if i were just talking for the sake of conversation i wouldn't bother with what anyone would think, seriously. if i were to say that people should just lighten up and live and let live, that will be a gross understatement, but it will also be very apt to direct it at myself. if i don't lighten up soon and stop taking things/people/ideals so seriously, maybe i can be a happier person.


writing this at 1.14am in the morning is extremely liberating. it feels like just me and the silent lonely world.

in a way, that's probably how it always is. i probably have paranoia. that's what some people say at least. that's why i should probably aspire to be a psychatrist. i can treat myself. save money, so i can have guilt free shopping.

i've used up all my random rubbish about me. it really is completely stoopid and rubbishy. i amaze myself at times. thinking about it, i don't mind showing weakness.

i think when people know your weaknesses, it makes you stronger. but that's not why i don't mind. (why wld i want to be so strong anyhow)

i think if you're so deathly afraid of people knowing who you really are, you lose the people who could have loved the real you. you lose the "no matter what" in a friendship.

what's the point of keeping those who don't really get you, when you can find those who will. i wonder why people hide, why people slither about in their silent worlds. why people play pretend, augmenting everything, trying to live it up. in a way, i think most people can tell. or maybe we jsut all pretend we don't really know.

or worse still, maybe i just really don't know waht i'm talking about.

a year ago i would have said bring it on.
now- bring it somewhere else please.

it's not that i don't care, but maybe i don't care enough. i've probably realised that the heart is actually a finite object.you can't keep giving pieces of it away. people take and don't give them back. or worse, they laugh at what you give them.they poke at it and demand for more of your heart.

maybe that's a problem. i've given so many pieces away, i'll be left with nothing soon. and the thing is, i should keep something, to give to those who i find will truly matter in the end.

that's why number one on the list is the realisation of friends.

a cynic is not a realist.
a cynic is one who has decided she will not care because it ain't worth it.
a realist has decided that she cannot care, because not everything's worth it.

good night. people tend to talk more (nonsense) at night. or maybe it's just me.

_________________________________

What's the Time Mr. Wolf n0ob?
(updated)

These people are the love. (picture from smoot's blog.)

Muncake Party fun FUN fUn! (: Thanks to Smoot Tanneh and the fantastic company! Couldn't have asked for a better celebration of ermm kiddy youth and bomb bags! Lots of bomb bags.

I liked the massive burning of the lanterns and magnesium from the sparklers. Anything but my beautiful red lantern though. The quiet flicker of the candle within, dying slowly until its quiet extinguished death.. Symbolic man.

I think the most surreal moment was when everyone was writing out their crushes' names with the sparklers. My fault really, I don't know who taught me to do that, but I've written those names religiously since my first sparkler. Never worked, but oh well.

Then, pudi asked me if I wanted him to write the name for me. Both of them slowly scrawled the lighted flame across the inked blackness of night. And I just stared in complete astonishment, and utter disbelief really.

Try keeping a poker face as the lighted writing before you is seered into your mind. It was unbelievable. :o

[edit] I wasn't stressed or anything lah, it was just a majorly oh-my-goodness-crapzoids am-i-so-obvious thing. After the party at the mrt the boiz were super nice about it. (:
and this post is just me pasting nice lyrics around, not meant to be emoed.
For the real fun, please refer to smoot's blog ;) (lazy)
[/edit]

There's a danger in loving somebody too much



I don't quite know how to say what I feel


Ah well. There was another :o moment. When the d0od KY started strumming his guitar and singing his emo songs, and dedicating it to the angsty emo people who don't have the guts to try. It was like a quiet rebuke against the mind's rationality. Heart over mind. I think smoot and tanneh totally felt that. It was majorly punch-in-guts spot on. (:


and its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.


What a great party.

_______________________________________

Ha! I've finally found the friend I've always wanted to look like. (: Since what, primary 4? If I were ever to go for a complete reconstruction of face, I would give the surgeon her picture (:


Ok right. Spa at Passage with smoot and tanneh was really great. I felt ready to face to world, all thanks to smoot (:




immediately after. A sneaky shot, in case they didn't allow photography or something. :P

We hung around watching movies. Little Miss Sunshine and Devil Wears Prada, both of which were really good. And we had some drama during Sunshine. Missed some essential parts. This dude from the row above fell down one row of seats and stopped moving, so we thought he was dead because he was deathly still. What's more it was timely that a character died in the movie too. Surreal.

After the mini marathon we hopped over to

so pretty! I love it at night.


I like this shot a lot. Smoot looks really nice and happy and actressy cos of the hair and everything. (:






And then we Yami-ed (: Yay I love them both a lot a lot..



Right then.

Friday was tiring. Had to run around orchard taka and all the way back to bishan so I could learn the dance routine we just choreographed 2 hours before we had to audition for Open House. By the time I got back the girls were done and I had to learn all the jumps in 20 minutes. :x

But lunch in the afternoon for tanneh's birthday! was super fun.






(: Happy belated birthday tanneh. Muacks.


Ok! Been having rehearsal after rehearsal. Today's full dress! ack.
__________________________________________

I've spent the whole of yesterday looking for a decent bag that won't send me straight to debtor's den, to no avail. If anyone would kindly sponser $1000 I will thank thee from the bottom of my saddened heart.

Showed mum the current designs I so desire. If only she would see the light in these worthy investments.

Allow me to illustrate. If you don't like bags then don't read on. It's another one of the incessant gushings on some leather goods.

Fendi Selleria Leather Linda Bag!


I think this is pretty! The stitching is a work of art, and they say Selleria leather is crafted using ancient Roman techniques. Wow.
What is important: it's a limited edition, means no random people in town will be swinging this one around! Conspicuous consumption indeed.
The price is just a whatever-nicetomeetyou-byebye $2,170.

The brown one is a lot nicer than the ebony. But mum still thinks it looks like an undertaker's carrier. Hmmp! That means "forget it".
Try explaining that it has a gorgeous suede interior, and holding it with so much love. But no.
Man this sucks.


This one I do not like. Not at all. It's the one every celeb must have, which I do not see why. It's a little hideous. Like a choked monster rat spray painted in gold.

Fendi: fall/winter spy bag 2006



I have a Fendi Hobo chef from the fall/winter collection, not that its very pretty, but its functional. Function is beautiful.

Enough Fendi's. They are way out of budget. So I looked towards D&G for possible bargains.



Now this one looks sensible. It has none of that excessive D&G logos splattered about it. Understated. The nice thing about it is the leather. Good quality leather actually lasts. You can't tell from the picture, but I've it, and it does look solid.

The not nice thing is the price: $1249. darn it. :X
Why are the nice ones all so expensive ugh.


this one is at least a more sensible $887. and it's a nice shade. Lighter than dark cacao though. Some firmly believe Asians should never carry anything lighter than cacao. But what do they know.
And its leather. No funky tiger prints or crocodile scales that scream excessive opulence. We're not from the stone era man, give the crocodiles a rest.

Lastly,

this is the Dolce and Gabanna costing a cool $1159. I found something that looked like it at taka for $129. Ha beat that.

Now my mum goes into a heart attack. I'm just kidding I didn't really mean to buy anything. Until the day a 50% discount hits D&G will I and should I consider. (:

Off again, go I.
____________________________________

I'm going shopping again soon. (: And I've had a lot of time during shopping sprees to think about things. It's quite fun actually. Just walk and shop and recollect..


... ... this 'closure' we seek. I've had a few conversations with a few people these past weeks. Guys who can't get girls to like them, girls who can't get guys to stay in the relationship, and guys who can't get girls to leave them (what the) and it's pretty tiring when people keep thinking they can get their 'closure'. We do things for that emotional release, for that freedom to damn consequences and just gain that momentary peace of mind.

The saddest thing is that the consequences don't just affect you. They affect everyone else. Maybe even more so.

If relationships were all mistakes, then there's no need for love to exist. If everyone will be let down one day or the other, there will be no point cultivating our little memory garden with happy moments. What for look back when the smiles just augment the tears.
Why lift the candle to your darkness, when all it does is make darkness all the more apparent.

but it isn't about them anymore. Sure, we angst and cry and wail and sigh. But it never really was about us. It never really will be. If one is so brave to jump into anything, surely one can be brave to face consequences without making excuses. I think it's quite sad when someone dislikes a friend just cos he's 'changed'. I mean, deal. The only constancy in life cannot be found in the people. Maybe they don't change, but your realizations of their flaws do, as do theirs of you.

And the thing is, if you don't bother giving anyone the benefit of doubt, or keep loving them despite knowing they're imperfect, or accept their mistakes even though it's one of your major pet peeves, then we'll never really find anyone who we'll trust for always.

Which is why 'you've changed' is probably one of the gross understatements of the planet. Duh you've changed. Duh we all have. If we were all the same as yesterday what will really be the point in living today, if not for growing older, wiser, clearer..

I think we grow our friends. Which is probably why we need to choose them wisely from the very beginning. Because if you don't, then you're left with using that age-old excuse again. They haven't really 'changed' in that way, you just didn't really know them at all, from the beginning.

I don't think I choose friends. I think I'm blessed with those I have. Those I've lost aren't mistakes. Those I've chosen to forget about are important too. They made it clearer for me to see the thorns on the roses. Just so I won't get bloodied by thorns again.

And sometimes I cannot reconcile with certain things people do, or I can't understand they have this second character about them. It's not about double standards or being duplicitous or what have you. Its about the things people do, not how they do it, not why they do it. If I really knew the whys and the hows, I'd probably have to live a recluse all my life. And when they do things which is universally disagreeable, it makes it all the more difficult to give anyone the benefit of doubt, and just remain friends.

My mum says you don't have to like everyone, and furthermore, you don't have to be nice to those you don't like. Lately I'm finding that easier to see why.

People blame you for being mean if you aren't nice to everyone, or people think you're a phony for trying to be nice to those people you don't really like.
There's no two ways about it. There's no way out of it either.

So I say, forget it and just like everyone. Then you won't need to have any decision to make. Easier said than done, I realize.

But try I will, nonetheless. It is said that the things you detest most are those reflected in you. As scary as a thought that is, it may just be true.


That's it then. The sum of my good intentions are but the equation of my worst idiosyncrasies.

the irony.

Shopping here I come. taka first! (:

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