philos
liberté
princeps
memoria

Yay end2006 lunch with soomehtanneh (: (:

Going for newyear's eve dinner now. I am prepared to be bloated once again..

-


I dumped the end post of 2006 somewhere, because it sounded too unjoyful to be the last. Actually it really doesn't feel like the last day of 2006.

I don't know what it feels like.

Oh well..

Forgiveness
Rebecca Brown

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

In the morning we had coffee.


You chatted to me about your adventures.
You cocked your head at just the right places, the way I remembered you did. You told me you'd worked hard in the time you'd been away.
You told me you had grown.
You told me how much you had learned about the world, about yourself, about honour, faith trust, etc.



You looked deep into my eyes and said, I've changed.
You said how good and strong and true and truly different you were.
How you had learned that it is not our acts, but our intents, that make us who we are.



I watched your perfect teeth.



. . . My mouth was closed. I couldn't tell you anything.


I couldn't tell you that you can't re-do a thing that's been undone.

I couldn't tell you anything that you would understand.
I couldn't tell you that it wasn't just the fact that you had ripped it out of me and taken it, then left with it then lost it,

how it wasn't only that, but it was more.

How it was that when you asked me, I believed you and I told you yes.


How, though I had tried a long time to replace what you had hacked away from me,
I never could undo the action of your doing so,

that I had, and only ever would have, more belief in your faulty memory,
your stupid sloppy foresight, than in your claims of change.


How I believe, yes, I believed with all my heart,
that given time, you'd do something else again,
some new and novel variant to what you'd done to me,


again.



And then I thought, but this was only half a thought,
that even if you have changed, no really changed, truly and at last,


and even if you knew me better than I know myself,
and even if I'm better off than I've ever been,
and even if this was the only way we could have gotten to this special place where we are now,
and even if there's a reason, darling, something bigger than both of us,

and even if all these even if's are true,


That I would never believe you again, never forget what I know of you, never forget what you've done to me,
what you will do,
I'll never believe the myth of forgiveness between us.




- - - - - - - - - - - -


Brown writes good torment.

The language is unpretentious, lengthy, extremely wordy, almost straggling along with its tedious train of thoughts..

I almost didn't bother reading this at all. Then it struck me. You can hear the desperation in the even ifs, the bare torment, barely.
The rambling voices in their minds. The very voices who tell them to forgive, knowing very well their limitations...





Good morning sunshine.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.

Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me,
and I will listen to you.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

(Jeremiah 29:11-13)


-

morning silence and halfboiledeggs, coldham and milkedcoffee.

everything is compendious.
a chilly boxing day of retrospection; afflictive meditation.



and Peace.

SOOMEH- a white rose for you! (taken during the party(: )I know your party was a blast, and wish I was there!
Mucho love..

-



Christmas blessings

Because He loves us so much,
we have so much to celebrate!


When you get down to it,
... the only one that really matters is Jesus!


christmas party (:


a x'mas grin(: / his latest samsung toy.. (:





similar zodiac tees my sis bought (:



melon melody cooler and christmas steak


megaturkey! \ honeymustardchicken. burp.




/ there were 5 plates full of ham around the place -.-




dawn, the party's photographer. (: i was sick so she took charge of recording the memories..




melanie uncle jeff aunty carol(: haven't seen them for so long.. / cousin tania n sis







horribly bloated. -.-



-

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

lovelove


-

Vernus's sexyseventeen (:

newyorknewyork








my first everr do-it-yourself candyfloss(:


-



Much LOVE TO EVERYONE.
Jesus loves you sososomuch! (: (:


___________________________________

Christmas / birthday celebrations yesterday (:

Headachy now, listening to clayaiken's winterwonderland cheers.

Note to self: Do not stuff yourself with turkey/ drink champagne on an empty stomach / forget to bring presents / be late for birthday parties ):

quite tired. washed out. yesterday was the busiest ever. I rushed around in cabs everywhere.

and i am sick of the artificial cold, of the echoing places and the superficiality of everything. this is not the place to try and live my life.

that was random lyrics popping up in my mind.
-

whatkindoflousysisterami. yesterday was my bro's birthday and i rushed back from carolling and rehearsal and dryrun and everything and reached home at 11 freaking pm. my family waited for me to get back, and i gave the dear kid the prez i picked up in like, what 5 minutes.. whatkindoflousysisterami. but the swensens ice cream cake was beautiful i loved it.

I so owe him.

-

[crap i just remembered tomorrow morning there's filming. Quote bensen 'i have to see you jokers again' unquote.]


today was the first ever storyline presentation to oteam. gah whatever. I'm going to sleep.

and I'll run to the warm wash of oblivion.
my shadow, you, and the blue.


If you believe-
Just believe.

-

one day, 11 hours, confined space at lt2.

screaming yelling hair pulling shoving slapping falling slipping laughing...

rachel slapped me today. We took so long to practise that cos I was damn scared.

Thank God for little blessings-

Julee's hug just when I was about to cough my lungs out in the toilet.

my sweater that brian dirtied which saved me from the rain

kal and rachel and gen sharing cab with me. i love bukittimah mount sinai holland rd people.

ong's hi cher. haven't seen him for quite long. His head's smaller (as in literally) :)

lun's energy buzzing caramel corn snack.

cat's pick-me-up macs milo. I forgot breakfast.

vivek's usual rubbish / suanning. (:

lincoln's chicken rice lunch. $4.50 for that thing is worth it.

-
i think i'll be random..
give a man a fish and he feasts for a day.

teach him to fish and the probability of him choking and dying on fish bones rockets.

moral of story?
need. sleep. now.

giddy.

its so cold outside. the rain blurs everything. the window is frosted. i can pretend it's snowing..

_______________________________________

{edit}
because suddenly everything's so different.
because everything has, in an instant, changed.

?

i don't know what's different, i only know what must be done. i think some things can just be taken at face value.

i think it's time to move forward.

i think its time to let go. i'm just afraid to, that's all.
i'm not sad. i'm not empty. i'm not lonely or lost or forsaken.

lackadaisical.
there's a hole in the roof, and i'm not doing anything about it.

can't put my finger on it. it isn't about anyone, it isn't about anything.
i keep forgetting about what should matter. i should really stop, its getting out of hand.

the person up there in the brain creating this riot- shutupplease.

thanks.
{/edit}

- - - - - -

Lwin's ballet performance was very different from the ones I'm used to seeing. They had 3-year-old ballerinas running around the stage in puffy tutus. Very cute.

It was very funny whenever the older ballet dancers went on pointe. The two noobs beside me will cringe and wince and cover their faces -___-'. I think pointe is very pretty. It's like a dancer's last contact with air and ground, the last thing preventing her from airbound soaring.. Pretty cool stuff.

That's pointe. The pointe shoes help ballerinas maintain form so it isn't as painful as it looks really.. I know suzie has very nice pointe cos she can do it with only our demipointe shoes..

Yeah but anyway there was only one male ballet guy for the classical ballet segment, and I guess I have to agree that guys do have more awe-inducing elevation. Generally girls float, guys soar. I will train harder lol.
So the entrechat was good, and pirouettes on pointe were nice. Lwin has the nicest form wootwoot. Like there is a dignified grace which some ballerinas have, and others don't? She totally has it.. (: (:

The purple orchids I gave her matched her costume.

Yay it was fun with friends, talking rubbish and everything. (:

-

I have find a nice present for the class secret santa thing! And I have to stop being stupidly sick NOW. There is no way I can last next week otherwise.

Rehearsals 9 - 9 for 2 days straight, then orientation dryrun2, and in between carolling which I hope I can attend. Darn.
I shall dump my christmas wish-list somewhere here :D

Tanneh going hk!

_______________________________________

Why can't I get well. ):

And it's beginning to get to me.


So afraid to love you, more afraid to lose.
I'm clinging onto a past that won't let me choose.



think happy thoughts.





__________________________________
I guess we've never really moved on. Because you say it so many times. If only it were true.

I am COW. Hear me moo.
I weigh twice as much as YOU.
-.- UGHH.

Some cheery shopping (finally...) at taka/ wisma today. My mum spent 2 hours at GAP and didn't get anything for me. My dumb sister bought 4 pairs of shoes at nikewomen and forgot all about me.

My family shows no love...

But anyway I checked out the Guess (20%) and Mango sales (50%). Boought basic tees, but that's about it. I guess I don't fit the klubber-chic kind of garments Guess has. I mean, maybe going out in a bejeweled wonderb_a is darn happening, but I will never know.

Zara has no sales. I heard from the grapevine (i.e. the socialites flooding the place) that there will be no zara sale. -.- We shall see.

Turns out I was in quite a few places friends went. Gen called up from wheelock, said someone saw me at mango. Vernus was at the wisma mango sale too lol. Natalie was at coffee bean resting. I was at the toast box at wisma eating kaya roti and drinking milo dinosaur and laughing at my bro gulping down two half-boiled eggs. Insane.

Finally bought thebodyshop new cranberry brilliance powder thingy. Bodyshop has 20% storewide sale. (: (: Had to call Gen to ask her how it works though.. Darn noob.

Sister thinks putting pictures up encourages voyeurism. Okay shall oblige.

Yeah anyway.

"Going out with great friends on the 23rd, our first time out together, so I'm looking forward to it! It'll be fun! Can't wait. =D"
-Jerrine (:
Vernus' "sexy seventeen" party.

I promise I'll be good. I won't shop I won't spend any money I will take care of myself PleaseletmegoPleaseletmegoPleaseletmego.

Yay I am very glad I went for carolling prac I got to see soomeh. HI SUMAE! (:

Much thanks to soomeh and tanneh for cooking the olive branch and being so honest about the marble cake and everything. You girls are and will always be the bestest no matter what.

to bOiZz- don't play me I'm not that dumb.

Despite everything that has happened happens did not happen will not happen, I am secretly happy. Could have something to do with PrisonBreak showing now, or the 2 new books I bought from kino which I can't wait to finish..

/Him who gives me strength. And wisdom. To know Truth from all those lies.

____________________________________

it was the only thing that made sense. Just ignore all these present tense.I tried to tell you before I left,that I was screaming under my breath.

Today was the last dance prac for the year.. I had flu but I owed vernus and suzie early birthday gifts! And finally the com allowed me to upload the pix..




cheng gong! (:

Make-a-wish dancers! (photos)


CG (if you read this)- I really want to go StudioWu with you ack.. I would forgo anything! Latin jazz, hiphop popping... Ugh.

Brendaa- I was totally blinded by the $15/pair of heels.. And yes it was hideous. Thanks for stopping me! I think the best buy was the anna sui mirror though ;) We should go for proper pedicure next time. Will look for more places..

Suelynnn- I will try asking my mum! I don't care my hair is boring me to tears.

I have carolling tomorrow I think. Then I have to get well for the crazy 9am-9pm rehearsals come next week. At least it's fun..


________________________________________
I'm halfway through the door, searching for something more.
More than this.
There's something I missed...

Popping by Thai Express for dinner later, and good old snack shopping at cold storage. I need to find a nice yummy log cake for some of 'em good ol christmas cheer.


Watched The Return of the King today. Ok so legolas is cute, but he cannot hold his own against ARAGON woot. He is king.

Recently I was reading another one of those death / dying books that every established author seems intent on writing. (It's almost as if the world ain't depressing enough) I know I shouldn't cos they make me cry at night and I really don't want to, cos then you get puffy eyes the next morning which looks disgusting on people with non-big eyes (not bren not tanneh not jiayi not gen) i.e. my eyes.

But anyway rene thinks I should stop this morbid fascination with the dying. Apparently it's emotionally unhealthy. Yeah well. The fascinating thing isn't the physical deterioration and the insane load of depressing misery i.e. old people sadness. It's more to do with the description of emptiness, of abstract nothingness, words describing absolutely nothing. It makes me depressed not cos people die, but because they die helplessly, fighting something so certain.

In church; the harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. And we hear the call.



There are monsters in my closet.

Vernus bugs me for dance pictures- sorry will sort them out soon..

-

You see things; and you say "Why?"

But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"

-George Bernard Shaw

___________________________________________

national museum opening ceremony




me and rachel were the only ones who didn't wear pretty black heels with pretty beaded tops for the ushering, or any makeup. She had bright orange sneakers, mine were my freedom shoes lol. Aditi wore her black sneakers too. (:

does one gulp of redwine give you a hangover? cos i woke up the next day feeling absolutely terrible. could be because I couldn't sleep the night before, so I bummed around with mum talking for an hour until 2am, which is an unearthly hour.

anyway, I went for sarah's volunteer at the national museum thing, and I'm glad I did. At first it was only because she called me up and sounded a little desperate, so I agreed. Then after I reached the place with rachel (2 noobs who were a little lost), it was really nice. The installation pieces were classy. I like the concept behind Ngui's The Walls Remember.


so I had the job of standing beside the first level lift to await the President, which was a good place because I could observe almost everyone who had to register at the counter-
the taitais, the wannabes, the topmodel types, the bigshots and the plebeians (so says sneha (: ).

After about 2 hours everyone was sneaking to level 2 atrium for a break. There was free flow of white / red wine. Apparently it's an acquired taste, but I'm not going to bother acquiring it. I prefer an alcoholic infusion more than straight alcohol. Like tiramisu, the perfect cake.


I joined aditi at her post after a while and we stood around trying not to look too conspicuous as we (ok maybe just me) stuffed our faces with choc creme puffs and what not. Pason loved the terriyaki tuna. He ate like 5 slices. I come a close second with 4 slices. It was divine.

Me and acey secretly took the NHM file. oops. But it was so pretty.

Took 45 minutes to grab a cab with rachel and kal.

-


On wednesday had storyline. lincoln made pizza for us, which wasn't bad at all. Apparently my mum has decided it is due time for me to learn how to either sew or cook. Hmmp. I asked her to love me as I am, but pseudo angst is lost on her.

after that me, william and shaun went to longhouse (which isn't very long) for chicken rice. It was my first time going around thomson for food, and it turns out the whole stretch there has really good food. Bus 410, 2 stops. Yay next time, no more j8..

For Christmas I want a real tree. There isn't any place to put the tree so I will sell away my piano. But mum says no. Hurt my feelings.


My eyes hurt. I poked it while trying to apply liner for today's performance. One day when I succeed in poking it out, gail says no one will love me.

I feel like talking rubbish again. I'm going to sleep now. 5.20pm is a good time. Then I can wake up for dinner and read my suspense novel which is actually chicklit in disguise. Cheat my feelings. But it's still nice, all the parties and pretty shoes.

My sis is playing mozart to inspire her to study. I have a bad headache. He's not helping.


Date Reminders
-outing with soomeh tanneh
-kaixuan
-lwin's dance recital
-bwenda
-dance bbq at mdm ong's
-carolling practices


There is a strange combination of lyrics in my head.

Take me by the hand,
just don't try to understand.
I can't forget, sorry to say.
You don't know you're guilty anyway.


?
____________________________________

some days i feel like the last cookie in the jar. eat one more and its overkill. leave it and you keep thinking about it..

what should I do.
I don't seem to know anymore.


anyway i wanted to find another layout more chirpy and holiday-ish so that at least it looks sunny sunshine. obviously this wasn't what was in mind, but it will do..


-
SOOMEH faster come back I miss you ): at least i know you're having a great time woot!

peck thank yoo for lunch ;) i will not forget mumps comment. watch out.

lun please stay healthy. please stay happy.

william enjoy work, and be strong...

-


"when the dawn falls..
all they wanted was to,
start the dance
- to the music-
slowly and sweetly."



so many people keep saying i'm very emo on my blog but that ain't true. i'm just incredibly tired, so much so that i type whatever i think. and somehow it sounds emo. i'm not angsty really. nothing has ever happened that i bemoan or didn't deserve.

somehow that works for me.

i don't want to :D :D :D :D when i'm not. just like i don't want to singalongnodsmilewave all the time. (they're all wrong. you get so tired of it all after a while.)



sorrysorrysorry

i don't know why i do the things i do. i don't know if all this time spent on everything else is ever going anywhere. I DON'T KNOW.

i don't know if I should run off to some deserted beach along some forsaken continent and just chill and HOPE that i'll be happy.
i don't know if i should persuade mum to go on with the shopping trip in bangkok and throw everything else to the dogs.
i don't know if that will make me happy, or if i'll just end up wondering about what's next.

what makes me decide to do the things i do. i don't know.

don't let your life pass you by.


i just pray. and pray and pray.
and ask Him to guide me. because He always has. He always will. and He's the only one left that I can trust. to pull me through this drowning abyss, to pull me along before i drown.


remember when we were just fools? it was pretty simple then. it should be pretty simple now. it should be.


its funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word.
funny how we are screaming inside but can't be heard.

So I like being tragic. but what's so different this time, that we can't ignore?

nothing nothing nothing. just me and the excruciating arbitrariness. some solitary silhouette anxious for twilight;

for blessed dissolution.

Tomorrow 9am to 9pm and beyond. its motivating.

________________________________________

-5 hour sats.
-saw tanneh zhu sophie moni david hanxin dennet simeng angie

-rushed down to rachel's for filming.
-crowded with people randomly eating / fixing her fridge (lol)/ playing on clavinova / acting / filming / makeup etc etc..
-3 takes for 4 hours.
-cat wangting bensen are extremely patient people.

-lun and gen's good at makeup, but almost poked my eyeball out
-will buy thebodyshop concealer next time
-use only mac lipglass. it rocks.
-find some way to finish up my lancome juicy tubes gloss so i can get mac

-read teenvogue most of the time
-watched prison break with reuben. the doctor rocks.

-wanting cannot sing.

-dinner with mum and sis
-sick/ sleep.


there is something strangely fulfilling about all of this. many times i just ask why i bother really, besides the whole commitment thing. but most of the time i just wonder why i'm so tired. must be the sugar level.

besides it's good training for next year.. next year's syf i will already GG, but with planning for dance concert and jazz concert....

i will survive.


it's written in the stars.
_____________________________

tomorrow's sats and storyline filming day..
today i shall sleep at 8.30pm, means no survivor. ): sacrifices.

thanks tanneh for sending me the stuff to bring.. i'm definitely less clueless now. ): and thanks aditi for the sms in the morning. made everything that much better. (:

-

to the one with me waiting for bus 105 yesterday amidst the drizzle and headache and everything...
i just want you to know that Jesus loves you very very much, and He'll watch over you, like He has watched over me..

-


When I heard the song we're dancing on kal's ipod I almost wanted to boohoo. Reminded me of dance night. Really made me feel like dancing.. really dancing everything away. When you dance, you can become someone else, for a little while...

we're dancing
(click for song. ignore video :) )
mandy moore

When the going starts to get rough
And you feel like you've had enough
Let the music take control of your soul

Take a chance and do what you feel
You're a force they cannot live without it
You gotta break the chain


There's a passion inside
And a strength that drives
Can't no body take that away from you

It's the greatest high,
Set the FLOOR on fire,
when you come alive

(chorus)
And we're dancin
And it feels alright
I can't control my desire

And we're dancin
And it feels alright
Can't hold me down, gotta reach for the sky

And we're dancin
And it feels alright(yeah)


Some people don't know the love you present
They pretend but they don't understand
That it's natural, you're in a world of your own


Push it to the max
Feel the room fall at your feet
Don't you dare hold back
Coz it feels so good inside


___________________________________
and we're dancin