philos
liberté
princeps
memoria

This day made me want to scream and kick up a beeg fuss and be mean and rant. Srsly..


Dance publicity / ticketing proposal not approved yet again, ticket allocation problems (lollll), new proposal to submit for saturday jazz practice by wednesday, collation of bands on saturday's prac, two proposals to do by tonight for the new ticketing budget..


I hate red tape.



And the worst thing is dance night tickets have to be reduced. My last time dancing on stage, and everything's come to this.


and it's killing us to know that we have only 11 practices before syf rehearsal, and we are nowhere near anywhere.

dance today was just panic hysteria, urgency.. everything.




Lucky for my bro. He sent me this feel-good thing. Love it. (:

click (:

quite funny.



and Bren I got this feeling The Fountain is going to end soon ): ):

cannot cannot I need to find my life amidst this chaos I have created.



I spent an hour after dance meeting thinking of a suitable synopsis for our J2 dance. I really really hope it isn't all flowery rubbish. I really hope I'm writing substance. Can't really be too sure. It's just a mess of words anyhow. (Like all this is)


It's quite sian waiting for people to reply smses. Collation is just plain waiting.




At least I have class picnic thing to look forward to. I can't wait to eat the honey chocolate cakes and stuff.. (:

and one happyhappyhappy thing today is finding my long-lost friend eileen kang (: (: my primary school puny friend...



all a distant memory. until an old friend drops by and reminds you of the good times.



Love the good times.

My sister is killing me with haydn's sonata. It's drumming into my brain.








my morning pick-me-up.





you know sometimes you can feel this strange onslaught of stress / worry / panic. i hate it. i can hear the maniacal chanting in the head.

oh no oh no oh no

its getting more and more impossible to give my best now. everything matters, and now everything's half done. always half done.
what if what if... jazz and dance cannot clash. that can't happen. i'm doomed if it does.
what if it does?



i must have faith.

the will of God will never lead you where the grace of God cannot keep you.

remember remember remember.






Just got a call from brian chua the robot. The noob won best actor... not bad! (:
But talking rubbish for a while is good stuff. Things / stress I felt a while ago can get submerged, hopefully forgotten..




Must keep reading my hamlet. what is polonius saying what is polonius saying... (polonius reminds me of polo ralph lauren's new wooly cardigans.. ahh sighh..)




Just ate the new macs bagel thing. Not bad! With tomato! (:




There's syf prac again tomorrow. I don't think I can move my legs anymore. EVERY muscle aches. Tiger balm really has its limits. (and oh no I'm feeling the pain on my right side again. Maybe overstretched or something.)





This is insane. Seriously this is.





Count one to ten, deep breath...
Breathe out.




I should make the most of all the negative frustration stuff in my mind. Channel it to somewhere more effective.

Like a machine.


Forget, forgetting...



I've stepped on too many false alarms. Everything's spinning around, circling, going in rigid triangular frames that are propositionally possible but really is ineffectual.


I wish I could remain insouciant. Void sounds so empty. Like hole.



O! Woe is me,
To have seen what I have seen, see what I see!
- Ophelia




Woe is me, that I do not see. Waking up with all the lost hours gone, that's scary. I spend my waking hours craving sleep, and then when I sleep, I am lost.








is everybody going crazy

all my bags are packed,
i'm ready to go.


i'm standing here,
outside your door.


i hate to wake you up to say




goodbye.





_______________________________

Happy Chinese New Year (:


May everyone get their well deserved break, spending your waking hours eating, and the rest sleeping stress away. ;)




Reunion dinner (peach garden)




the best fish I have eaten in my life.









ilovemybroilovemybro. I wish he'd stop getting bigger but it's alright cos we all have to grow up one day.





Quite weird this family. Everyone was pushing around the shark's fin and nobody really finished theirs. it was brewed with shark cartilage so it had this strong texture that I hated and there were extra bowls lying around.

Then when it comes to cheap stuff like spring chicken, everyone grabs. haha. The convos around the table were largely circling around wrist slitting and which is the proper way to do it (according to my sis, downwards along the vein) and my cousin thinks you can't die from it but people die from the blood poisoning instead.

my sister sang rudolph the red nose reindeer throughout the yusheng thing and while the lady chanted out prosperous sounding chinese words my aunt kept repeating "God bless this dish, God bless this dish". it was funny. lol.

-


Pizza party was nice nice nice (: It is the only pizza I have ever eaten where I didn't need to peel anything off, cos everything was just so darn good.




But even if the food turned out sucky or the gelato tiramisu french vanilla magnolia ice cream turned out gross, the company was the bestest I could ask for, so it's all good (:




















accomplished chefs!







muacks.


-

hold on but don't hold too tight.

Just read sara's blog. I've forgone the habit of reading blogs quite a while back (besides usual ones- smoot tanneh bren some dancers), when my eyes gave me trouble again, so I could only check mail, blog some and then shut down..

I think it's so sad but so true, the way everyone just walks around zombified, tired, sian,.. There isn't the bubbly or at least a hopefulness anymore, the way it was last year. It's almost as if the things that used to be fun and cool and happening just aren't anymore, and all we're left with are the same people with different scarier problems ahead, with no new ways of coping.


Ageing sucks. I feel 8 years older than I am, almost as if the wrinkles are setting in. They say you have to start taking care of your skin at age 18. I dowwan.


because you wouldn't believe me even if i told you.

and that hurts because it just does.


chinese new year (and christmas and birthdays and newyears and friday nights) always hurts a little.

the computer says For Help, press F1.

I hope help comes soon. I feel like drowning in a sea of mini kueh balu that i have never tried and wishing cny will come and go soon.


i love being reunited. i just wish it were true. and like i said, its not about angst or about stuff that i've regretted or whatever. its about how things could have been different. for all of us. and i would never know how.


one sunny day i'm going to forget everything that has happened. i only don't know when. and because of that i can't move on, even though i can face the days as normal.

then i wonder if its really so important. all the whole moving on business. what's wrong with staying in limbo, and living life almost perfectly alright..


i can't say i want to be loved, because i know i am.
i can't say i have pain or anger or pent up misery that needs releasing. i don't.
i can't say i am perfectly fine anymore. i'm not.

but then i wonder, who really is.

who doesn't cry at night, inside or outside. who doesn't go to sleep only to wake up worried or even more tired..?




Sister: I want to ride a scooter. Feel the wind in my hair…
Mum: Just stand in front of the fan lah.



happy chinese new year friends.
eat and be merrily prosperous.

In the library eagerly awaiting dance 0.-


(and there's a goldfish in the library. The one that climbs out of the well. Eww..)


Anyway, presenting...

Anonymous guest blogger! Try guessing who I am!(:

Ladeedum.

I tripped over the modem which was on the ground (I wonder why they placed it there) and two guys laughed at me. Suelynn saw me tripping over too so it wasn't that bad. =D

So many rumours surrounding Chinese dancers these days. TSK. Right Pam?

NEXT GUEST BLOGGER!!

Yeah same to you PEE. Haha okay we're in the library now and dance starts soon but someone's slacking in front of the computer. Shall stop being a bum like Miss Pee and go for dance now. Bye folks!

Chermaine's nice. Her friend Pam is nicer!

LOL.

They are so random seriously.. (:

Anyway, I'm going to say something without being angsty or reflective or stupid..

Sometimes I just want to scream cos there is so many things that I can do / become / be that I'm not and it's not that I'm ungrateful (cos I am NOT) or that I want more than this but really

Sometimes it hurts to know that maybe somewhere somehow, everything could have been so different. Not better, just different.

And that's why I'll never know.

and it's the never knowing that hurts the most.

Alright it's said. It was just something I was thinking about in the library and I didn't have the time to think it through.

One day when all the little children stop their angst and realise that friends are one of the most beautiful people on earth because God gave them to us...



Maybe it's cos I'm tired. 3 hours of sleep huhuh. Performance tomorrow. Funny how its going to be the last time we're doing our fan dance. No it's not funny it's so bittersweet. I'm going to do my bestest.

Promise!

hello world.




happy valentine's day (:

i love you all my dear friends.



and Jesus loves you even even more.

is everybody going crazy


so much nice and not so nice stuff has happened. I realised I haven't even recorded down my stuff / reflections for orientation (L'atte), birthday, jazz camp, chinese dance camp etc etc.

And fun stuff I do with fun people like sumae (: (:


i think i will forever remember the 10pm grande jetes in black darkness on the rj track with IloveNY vernus lou..


wake me up when september ends_


seriously . i thought some friendships lasted longer.


and can I just say I lovelovelove my secret valentine, whoever he is..
I was almost penniless today and was contemplating starving during / after dance prac cos I didn't want to keep borrowing money from smoot.

Then I was blessed with the hazelnut chocs from cocoa trees, which made me uber happy cos I had my sugar fix for the day! it also made pamela loo super happy when I went for dance, cos her mum owns cocoa trees, so more business for her (: (:



mum very happening.. she has a night life..
which technically means dishes for me to wash and trash to take out and siblings to nagnagnag at..



Randomly, but with every intention of meaning this-


This is the day that the Lord hath made.
Let us rejoice and be Glad in it.

(: (:

I just came home half an hour ago, after our FIRST dance preview this year. Gosh..

anyway.


birthday celebrations (:



(so long long long ago... makes me happy. )




hua ting (orchard copthorne hotel) - my fav. chinese restaurant.



d24 yumm.



my first ever bouquet of tulips (thanksthanks)

if i had to give disappointment a flavour,

it would be spicy musk.

try and overcome it, and it overcomes you.

forget it, and it lingers.

everyone, i'm sorry i can't cope well enough to properly interact with people. some can still maintain their shell, even when their brains' elsewhere..

i can't.

i can't smile without smiling.
so that's why i seem so drained, so sian..

when i'm not. really.
it's just the mindmaps in my mind - stretching, grasping, reaching at everything so that i can get the fuller picture

so that everything can be perfect.


______ at the top of my lungs.


one day i'll look at myself and ask if everything was worth it.

and i already know the answer.

thing is, we have our highs and lows. and it's the little things that keep me going on..

thank God for the people in my life. Cos I can't press on without them..

sosomuch thanks

vernus- for msg rant. for understanding.

ivy- for all the help and talks and tuition

martin- proposals proposals proposals. for help when i was completely inefficient

lun- for the hug, and for tickets haha.

class fellowship- prayers...

my secret valentine...

and for the fantasy giggling today before KI. If only it were true....

one day i'm going to tell you how much you taught me. about how people can be one person, and a completely different person at another time. how you taught me that not everyone is going to matter. how you will not matter, soon enough. because you're just the same as the rest of them. all those in the hall of pain.

and the funny thing is - i thought different. how silly of me.

JAZZCAMP

CHINESEDANCECAMP

psyche up psyche up!

I have a Bad Backlog of photos -.-





yucks i found the 18th birthday sick me. lol. So depressing..



my sister started laughing derisively at my smile. oh well.