that my life is one big mess i already know. that everything else seems to complicate it is perfectly normal.
i am perfectly sane i am just not cut out to be normal.

i am not supposed to be like this you know. i had a sunflower's life. pity it died. dried up along with all the grandiose amibitions i had, all burnt to the ground. i'm not going to stop because i'm on a role today. i need to find the reasons why.

i dunno how much of it is cos of people and how much cos of myself.


there are those paradoxical moments in life when you know there are things you cannot live without yet you want to live without them because maybe it'll just be BETTER.



i don't want to live without the glitter the glam the giggles the frivolous stupid things that won't matter when i'm 50 but somehow matter now because i'm still a kid and i like staying a kid and having kiddy times.
that's wrong though cos i think i sacrifice too much as a result. it's really too bad that i become a dreadful person. really. falling sick all the time, getting injured, being zonked out, tired..

i used to think being tired was selfish cos then you can't share optimism and love with the world. i still do.
so i'm selfish now. let the list begin.

i'm hopeless too. i can't make proper decisions. people actually matter to me, so i get my large share of hurt. either cos they are inherently extremely mean and dumb and aren't worth it, or i'm oversensitive and expect too much.
i know it's not the former.

i'm through with it all. blast everything to faustian damnation. i'll despair.

-

the next week marks the beginning of the intense syf practice. i spend each night fervently praying that His hand will be upon me, that I will live up to expectations, but more importantly, that i won't change. that i will try to remain the me i wish to be. that i won't become some overworked overwhiny monster walking drugged around the school.

if that's what it takes, then what is the point. that's not COPING. that's pathetic.
i pray i won't be that sad. i pray so hard.

i'm going to try my best then. i won't let this bring me down. i will fight whatever demons within, and without.
i'm not going to give up. i'm sick of giving up.

giving up never was an option last time. slowly that changed. but i won't let it happen again.

i gave up my violin i postponed my lyrical jazz i postponed my diploma
i gave up every single resolution i had in 2005 and 2006

and in sec 4... well, i've never given up on friendships. they've given up on me.

but no.
i am not going to postpone my life.

tomorrow is my econs test. why can't i sleep properly anymore.
i'm going to try my best. that's the least i can do.