i wasn't supposed to be here, but then again, i always say that.
when am i ever supposed to be where i am.

A whole bundle of random reflections:

apparently i'm screwing up my life by not concentrating on the things i should be concentrating on. yeah well passion doesn't amount to much. i've always been like that- filling my hours with the things that make me happy, only to realise in a horribly disillusioned manner that passion dries up quickly.

but then i don't stop, and i make the same mistakes again and again. until one day maybe it'll cease to be a mistake, just another choice.

but at this moment. AT this VERY moment.
i am happy where i am. i am not angsty or reflective or emotional or worried. (yeah i AM worried that IVY WONG and GOH XIN YING have lost so much weight their jazz pants don't fit properly anymore.. but that aside..)

yeah that's a good start. finally something that sounds vaguely human.

Your cryptic glance is not enough.

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my sister is the coach from hell. Ran with her yesterday cos she was feeling fat -.- i kept up with my constant whining- "slow downnn"

"ok i'm only going to do my last round i don't care".. stuff like that.

little excuses i like to make up.
she kept going "come on it's all in the mind. push yourself!!"

i wanted to kick her.
-

my 2.4 is probably tomorrow. this is an instance where weird things matter to me a lot, when no one cares. i have this compulsion to prove myself wrong. it's not about things that validate my existence. i don't really need that.

i need something to make me feel like i could become what he said i could become. we yak for 2 hours, and in that span of time i realise WHY.

i think i should go back to my old path. finish up my piano dip., meet my violin teacher again after what.. a year.. return to my base, my centre.

and lyrical jazz... Another snap shot of a story I will never finish, people I will never meet. person i will never become.
but it's alright actually.

and i know i shouldn't say this but OH NO i may possibly get beaten up tomorrow for my complete and utter disregard. i am sorry if my loyalties to my dancers are too obvious, but that's what they are. i can get quite fiercely loyal. so mess with my friends and we'll mess with u. doesn't sound much like a threat, cos it isn't.

i guess that's childish and stupid. so okay i'm childish and stupid. i don't really mind. cos i feel the same way sometimes.

my mum constantly wonders why i care so much. yeah i wonder the same thing. sumae should wonder the same thing. she always stopped me from any in-your-face, cos i should really grow up. but sometimes doing nasty things to my friends make me mad, i don't feel like being mature about it.

this is of course, just a random thought.

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my sister's tuition teacher is trying to explain some physics concept that she is not getting. i miss physics. right hand rules and what not. things that can make someone feel smart, really smart. not just all-smoke-and-fluff smart.

somehow this new school seems to be all about the ability to smoke convincingly, as if it were an admirable quality. if people have no substance all smoke, how that is admirable i wonder.

will go to sleep at 9pm. tomorrow is a long day. the following week will be long and I'm almost ready.