philos
liberté
princeps
memoria

00


Nothing really, to say. I'm still around. Somehow. Things plod along nicely, and if I don't prod it will carry on. All together now.


But I do.

And I end up a little silenced beneath this incredible horizon too high to hope. And here I am. Hoping nothing ends, and that everything will. Soon.


Weather's been chilly damp. Started thinking a little, been working up, through I haven't arrived, yet. but I'm trying. people make me laugh, and I smile real smiles these days.


I've got miles and miles before I give up. She said to try anyway.







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i know where i want to go i know who i want to be i can do this i can i really really can.
i know they believe me i know they hope i know you believe in me too
but above all i just wish i believed me.

i honestly do. this evaluation thing is so tired.


i would like to pray about this but i can't find the words. He hears without words, like the songs in my heart so I trust. I trust i really really do. but for now, just right now, i'm scared. i want to stay hidden somewhere. run to the old place with the roped swing around the huge gnarled tree and just swing away like back then. or wait for my friend to come and push me cos I can't swing high enough. i never could. or watch the rabbit hophophop by and the family run after it trampling on their own manicured lawn. or feed the chicken the red blooddrops from plants and laugh and run away when both of us got caught.

or bike around the estate and never look back.
i miss my bike. that silver thing too heavy to carry but fast enough to race with the boys around the playgrounds. up and down the small hills. across the asphalt bends and into puddles. the wheels get all muddy and my back is spattered in mud but who really cares because i was happy. i am happy.


i want to roll and tumble down those green hills and get rashes at night. i want to climb my tree and get bitten by the ants. it was my tree. i allocated who sat on which branch. but it was ours. atop the tiny hill, we ruled. i want to pick the flowers for my mum again and watch as she pretends to be pleased with those ugly weedlike things. they really were hideous.




but what's the use now. things gone stay gone.


i could grow up stronger. i know i could. i know i could try.