philos
liberté
princeps
memoria

my back is aching for no good reason, but I thought I'd blog about today because everything changes, every day. And somehow I don't want to forget the process, even though everything was a big mess and will still be on wednesday.





There were many 'milestones' today, and when time repeated itself. But I'm used to it really. Life's like that.






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Today was Happy Muffin Day. (: My first attempt at baking blueberry muffins, with a lot of advice from pammie, and utensils from ivy haha. Vernus didn't want to eat until an hour after ivy did, in case ivy started quote "foaming at the mouth" unquote. -_- Vernus SUCKS.




it's amazing what self-raising flour and heat can do.


heehee.





Today xy made a lot of sense regarding religion and faith. In a way, people need to believe in order to see. But it was a good discussion. (:







Chionged banner painting with esther today (: I am so beat, and so in need of an artistic hand. We got modern dance's jonathan to help us with the pointe and ballet shoe, so it looks fab now thanks to him..



Me and suzie have established that she (okay, we) expect too much. But ah well.. What to do what to do. I guess disappointment is always the flavour of the day.


and when i need you, you're almost here.


The saddest thing I heard today was
"no don't hug me..
I might cry".






Ok the rest is just personal stuffs..







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To my dear friend- zhixu:




Giving up is the hardest part, and we're like that. We hate giving up even when it hurts to continue, even when there isn't any point in continuing, when there is a dead end looming, and yet we press on. For what, for who, I don't know.



But I guess there comes a point when enough has to be enough, when every time dance ends, we drag our feet to the next destination, our next practice, the one we always dread. We walk alone because the road is long and lonely, and there will not be anyone next to us.


Not now, not this time.



But the thing is- how are we to know we can't do it. We've always done it- perfectly flawless, with ease. Why not this time..





The stakes are so different. The things we pursue are no longer the stuff made of dreams. Everything has in an instant, in a year, changed.





I wish I could tell you to continue doing the things you do, because we all know you do it so well. And the high of competition, of the adrenaline, the drive, reaching for it, grasping it, holding it..





But you know what tune everyone's singing to. And it isn't really Give Up. It's Move On.




Thank you for being such a motivating J2 dance I/C. Our dance wouldn't have been possible without you. I don't know if this is enough for you to forgo your other dream, but we hope you know that this final J2 Dance does mean the world (well, half of it.. The other half goes to syf (: ) to us, and we're gearing up for the final showcase. Little by little.


Like we wrote:


to soar-
to dare.
we live the dream.



So don't be sad, don't cry anymore. But if you must, cry and let go. We've all got broken dreams scattered along the way, but some don't matter soon enough. Soon enough..



We'll jia you together ok? Wei4 meng4. (: (:


Love you!








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Oh no I'm a little scared about the lower back pain.. sometimes it's forgettable but other times it is quite incessantly excruciating i can't walk or sit still. ugh what did i do wrong today UGH.


pam ivy i forgot to buy the tray. i bought the mix and the HL milk but i FORGOT THE TRAY. ): ): ):

On this dark and coldly painful day, listen to Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. So you can cry and feel angsty emo, then get better.. I would put up the youtube vid but not today I guess..



where is home on the milky way of stars

i hope to find a little peace of mind



Today was terrible because we officially handed over our EXCO positions for jazz to the j1s, and dance has finally decided on the new dance exco. And all of a sudden I felt like something was so rudely snatched from me, when I entered and they asked me to quickly say my farewells (all the J2s said theirs already) and I didn't know what to say, so I just crapped up some 15 second farewell that didn't sufficiently cover what I really felt (when will it really ever..) and then the new exco had a meeting with my exco (yes, MY exco) and we passed on responsibilities..

And I didn't even catch my breath and I wonder what just happened.


Then something horrible happened and I felt so worried and upset and scared because I know ABOVE ALL, family truly matters the most and I sort of know how being terrified feels like. And everyone knows that you can say PRAY and it will all be better but yet you are still so frightened and all you feel like asking is WHY.


And there's a huge degree of helplessness one feels when the matter is not something we can control. Not something we can help make better.



But anyway, to YOU- you stay strong and we'll all trust Him. Love you lots and lots and He does too! (:






I don't want to go school tomorrow actually, but I will lah. Because there's dance and I have responsibilities and I want to talk to some of my dearest friends..


And wonder why he wanted me to say goodbye to him... ?




It is highly paradoxical, the way we pull through the days during jazz / dance prac and work and work and work and do admin stuff and be beezy beezy bee
and then be so sad when it will all end.


wow. I'm actually so afraid it will be all over.


I will concentrate on saying my mini goodbyes some other day. Was on msn with mutton last night, and it felt like I was already saying my goodbyes.

"i don't know how i'm ever gonna say goodbye to you cher"












amazing this entry is so convoluted and random and emo-ish I am irritated that there isn't even punctuation. But yeah it's how I feel.
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TO Sumae (: A rainy day poem for you!


The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the moldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.


My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the moldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast
And the days are dark and dreary.


Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow





Yupyup. Back to dance night stuff.

Pictures, because I'm too drained for words.. (:











BEN N JERRY'S (annual) FREE CONE DAY! Queue was very very long.. We went to Vivo for team dinner at marche (:










strawberry cheesecake (: (and my favourite cow.)







queue long long.









SYF stuff


will come later..

For Him, my audience of One.

I know it's late and I should be sleeping or at least going to sleep or otherwise try and at least take my books out of my bag so I can pretend I even looked at them. Or maybe try reading some geog for tomorrow's DRQ which I am totally not caring about..


But anyhow I just feel a tad bit frustrated, and I don't know if I don't have any right to or whatever, especially since I've been blessed so much, or that today was a great day cos the baking session was fruitful and my uncle's birthday bash rocked (as usual) and that was my week's saving grace..


I just need to get this out of my system.


Don't mess up. I'm sick and tired of saying goodbye to people and I don't want to do it ever again but IF I HAVE TO, I will. Call it self- preservation, self- respect, finding self - fulfillment. whatever.

I am tired of everything. everything SINGLE wrong move. all of it.


And i think i don't really know what i'm talking about, or what i'm referring to, because none of this makes sense. but somehow it's how i feel at the moment.

and btw i don't see how knowing one is b______ actually makes being b_____ right.


again, this is obscure cos it probably doesn't even refer to anyone.
but why does it always end up this way. I think it's a curse. Or maybe I should be more wary. FORGET about the benefit of doubt thing. Srsly.




because i am really so tired of it all. really really.





ok i've finished angsting. well not really, but i should really go sleep.




SYF IN 2 DAYS.



i can't wait for it to be over, but yet I don't want it to come.. It's too beautiful for the once only on stage. Too painfully beautiful.

SYF Full Dress Rehearsal











delish cake from laoshi, devoured on the bus to ucc..







mdm ong and laoshi! (:





vernus and yvette with 'artiste' tags

Rehearsal today was quite fun because there wasn't any additional stress, just lights, steps, positions, the usual. Must admit I am a little stressed about the 12-people part because of the section where I go off position but I can't seem to get the placings right! Is quite frustrating..

AND

I gave myself a treat today. (:

heaven on earth. darnish milk coffee pasteries.. (oh no jerrine! :D )




random points:


- i still have the grapes smoot gave me in my bag! :o

- talking to tea zhihao is quite therapeutic I realise.. 0.O

- It was a little annoying how people can make it sound like you don't deserve your g____ just because of an anomaly. As in, there are some people who do get what they work for, even if it seems like everyone.. But I don't know how much of this is just me being a little over-sensitive, and how much is just me being very over-sensitive, but there you have it.

- soccer won 2 -1. I would think that was a little shaky, but how would I know.

- I probably won't be getting full marks for napfa again this time (my last time), but I guess I will just try next week.. And then be disappointed. But never mind it's not like I don't know how disappoint feels like. I used to be so proud of myself whenever I reached the 2m mark. Like overcoming a mental barrier and just flying across.. It's more the illusion than the reality I guess.

Not important. Moving on.


- I dance more than I sleep. That is pretty messed up. But have to keep the end in mind. The process I will just chiong through. Not like I'm doing this alone. Not this time.


- Watched X-Men2 just now. I change my mind I don't want to be Storm or Jean Gray. I want to be Professor X. There is Yun Nam for the hair.


- Going to sleep.

i see it now.

i don't know how i know what it is i think i know. or how often - or accurate- you can feel what he feels.


but somehow, you can try. somehow everything friends go through culminate into one big reality.

Because it does hurt when she walks away, thinking only of him, thinking solely of him.

when you wear your heart on your sleeve, and you make your way to the train station, alone again.
and watch as she turns away.

Everything that should mean so much to the both of you just ends up almost invariably meaningless to her. not just meaningless, really all just "nothing".

maybe he hides what he feels in catchy choruses or logical discourse, like she does in her newspapers in the morning routine.

what do you have to do to get due notice..

get streaked blond dreadlocks?

make an apricot pumpkin cake and throw it off the URA building?

sit out on the balcony at night after a long day of bustle, hold your head in silence and wonder..?

Or watch the traffic, the darkness hiding the cruel cement of surrounding streets..

what?

there is nothing more pleasant than a moment of reflection and peace, overlooked by the night sky and random thorny stars.

It's a question of priorities. You can't be all things to all people.
after all, he has never been especially parsimonious, always being suspicious of people who are so. (You know the sort.)

then he decided to change for the better, no, the different. He wishes to be that "better person", the one who evolves from the normal individual and serves as the standard by which we compare him then and now, like those slimming ads on the tv.

someone like that guy who walks with a steady step and a confident gait. he wants to be him.

why..? because in our school society, normalcy is
insipidity. we must all be different and unique and at the top, or else we fade off into voids that we create for ourselves.



we could all pretend we don't know the whos and whats and what will happen next. we could build different time machines that will bring us to different pasts and futures, and when we meet, we'll be the people we truly want to be, without the childish angst and pathetic memory tracks and painful radio tunes of... i don't know.. of "you and I"?

we could dance around the real issue, pretend what we say is
really what we feel, and then go on cyberspace and sneakily gush forth something entirely different. we can be 2 people all at once, and no one has to know why.

we could hide behind imperturbability.
we could not hide at all, and bury ourselves in the library, studying bio notes to death and chanting our numbers that are complex but yet necessary.

Better yet, we could study neology and then wonder what it all means.

he could tell her what he really feels inside. but what's the point really. isn't it better this way. silent in the heartache, just to wait and see. there's always that chance she will cease to matter that much soon.

we have to live our pretense. sometimes its the only way we can keep sane. maybe one day when she finally misses him, he won't be there anymore.

I almost couldn't wake up this morning for dance today.


Happy Easter anyway.


Tomorrow
Exco interviews 8 - 1
Jazz 3 - 5
church 6 - 8

Must sleep early tonight..


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Kaixuan sprained her ankle.. ): Still looking forward to our chilling out! Thanks for the call today; food for the tired soul (:




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I want to be able to stand firm against temptations, things that will throw me off track, things that will make me change course, and walk forever on the path leading to the Nowheres.


There are mountains we need to climb, but the mountain standing in our way is only in our minds.
And the risk of going nowhere, is the greatest risk of all.



In time the desdemona won't mean anything. All in good time.






Just thinking about it.. I think this syf dance is something special. It's beautiful in its own way- the collective fantasies of dancers, a glimpsed calm in a blizzard, an infinite capacity for retrospection;
too drifting to be sleek, too pale to be vivid.



I guess it's just the process that's different. The scratches, the bruises, the aching joints and muscles... the tears.


And if every experience came with its bittersweet pain, blanketed in a fine glaze of snow..


It's something I'm working for, and somehow, it matters a whole lot now, as crazy as it seems.

CRAP.








Sometimes, I think everything that isn't funny is so amusing. Other times it just feels like a pathetic sort of hollow victory.




Most of the time it doesn't matter. Like really. Not everything in life matters. Not everyone in life matters.







I don't know what I'll do without sumaetannehmarcusvernusjerrineivy.





Sometimes all you need are true friends. True in every sense of the word. When I'm feeling pretty down and out.. When the passion's gone. When I have to do things that I really don't want to be doing, and I wonder why the HELL do I bother..


because i hate quitting cos it's a pathetic weakness



nevermind. really.


my problems are so _______. don't bother comparing them. Please go live your own life somewhere on your own island. May paths never cross.




my goodness i sound like i need some Time Out.


I need to grow up, and I'm probably not the only one. But who really cares.


Not me.
Not you.





One day I'm going to ask him why he did what he did. Why he does what he does.