philos
liberté
princeps
memoria

Short update.


I don't have much to say. But the cosmic circus that rollicked by my atmosphere inveigled me to type something. And even that is better than wasting time chasing cars around my mind.


So typing I am. It's practically blank verse, terrible poetry in the making. There is no rhyme, almost no reason, but it means something, it unfolds some understanding within the recesses of my heart, so I guess I shall try.



The past week I envisioned myself jumping up and down around the newsroom. Such fanciful images, but I knew that if could, I would. So I quit early, letting myself know I wouldn't take such form of existence without my attempt at retaliation.

faintly i remember a time like this, with absolutely no schedule, no reason, no structure by which I can hinge my life upon.
Sometimes i wish that i could accept this lack of purposefulness. I wish I could accept times when I don't do anything, and just float along, and sing a song. June holidays used to drive me happy-crazy. Annabelle draws from her imperial experience and tells me sage-like to make the best of my time these months, doing the things I really want to do now.

But plans fall through. I can't make it for the thailand trip with chay, dee and xiaoyu. I was 2 seconds away from ordering the air tickets when I called up my organisation to check, and realised then I couldn't leave sg. And I was really looking forward to teaching the little village kids english, and visiting a whole new world.

This is most unfortunate. Finally, when I am allowed to do something meaningful, a sledge hammer is thrown into the gears of good fortune.

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In a small, incorporeal way, little things start making sense.
Usually I firmly believe that what's gone and said is done, finished in my book. But upon occasion, it has struck as a developing, dense miasma. An undercurrent I feel. And I do seek to destroy any prejudices, which do rise and upon occasion threaten to blow my cover. If I am placid, I keep and maintain the distance that I seek, and in doing so, can now effectively practise and exercise that restraint upon myself. It would not have turned out any different, and I am comforted in a sense by that. It would have been exactly as I predicted, and I am saddened in a sense by that.

There were no two-ways about it, only the stop and go, left or right polarity of it.

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I am annoyed I can't find a good pair of nike sneakers, or the graphite puma jacket me and sumae found. The canvas shoes won't hold up in rain, and the rest look kind of tacky. So I guess that by obssessing with the truly trivial, I can take my attention away from what's really bothering me, which is not much. But its there, so.

Again, I am trying to be logical without being coherent. I find that the best mechanism to cope with this thing.

Later I need to drag myself down to junction 8 to pick up my jacket, which the adidas people kindly reserved for me when smoot and I visited. I love the people at wheelock.