30 July 2008
8:51 PM
Don't laugh,
but I'm going to get a job.
Well, 2 interviews tomorrow. So.
I know it's at a time when everyone's quitting theirs to begin school / school prep. But I had to. To finance my present-buying and shopping. After gen introduced me to new shops in sg, there is no question I will exceed my thousand limit.
And I want nice divans.
So work.
29 July 2008
1:38 PM
Verse of the Day (from Grace AOG)
“I will never forget Your precepts, for by them You have preserved my life.”
(Psalm 119:93)
-
My chains are gone,
I've been set free.
My God, my saviour
has ransomed me.
Unending love; amazing grace.
28 July 2008
10:07 PM
I'm beginning to get serious about the Environment.
It's scaring me; disasters so serious that we've never seen the like before, Venice submerging yearly (I can't imagine the next generation never being able to sit on a true gondola), S'pore completely submerged should temperatures get 3 degrees celsius higher (no way).
They don' tell you these things. They don't say that sea surges in london are so serious they've built engineering devices on the thames to counter it. That is the only reason why the thames doesn't flood over. I saw the flood lines on the huge hydro banks; it has flooded so often there is actually a film green algae line there.
They don't mention the possibility of a permanent El Nino in the Pacific; droughts in Indo and Australia are just the beginning of the food shortages to come.
The thing is that we have a chance. Humanity has a chance to prolong generational continuation (God willing) now. But because any international effort is only as effective as an individual attempt, I thought I'd begin some personal measures...
- I've stopped taking plastic bags when shopping, and carry my eco-bag everywhere. (Dimly I recall the look of disdain I was awarded from the D perkins lady when I said "no bag please" and shoved the garment into my kiehl's bag. Not cool.)
- I'm not going to learn how to drive because I can always take the public transport (and I am afraid of cars); I walk instead of taking a bus, but mostly for monetary reasons: why pay 67c for a 3 min bus ride when I can walk for 20 min for free?
- My aircon is set on a timer for 1am, and it's only turned on at 11pm. I do wake up feeling marginally uncomfortable, but at least it's better for the skin.
- I have actually shut down my laptop and flipped the power mains. ("Which idiot does that?" This one does.) It's suppose to help conserve, but it's really taking its toil on my patience.
- I reuse heavily. Any plastic used to hold fruit, I wash and reuse for peels / wrapping. Mum is disgusted, but hey it's going to be my world soon, in 50 years' time. I don't want to look back and see that I did nothing to solve the problem, and everything to contribute.
After taking all this down I realise how small the measures are. In the grand scheme of things, it would hardly make a dent in the downward spiral of our world, our Father's world. But because I don't know what else I can do, these will have to suffice. Go me.
-
Anyway.
It is comforting to meet seniors who have been there done that. It really adds a whole new layer of Perspective to going abroad, meeting new people from a totally new culture (and I do classify walking almost-naked in a public toilet a New culture).
And, it was extremely comforting to finally finally have met a lit - ucl graduate, because, to be very honest, I wasn't sure they existed in s'pore. (Not many, if any, go ucl because of its oxbridge tutorial system, which I still find intimidating. Really.) But they do, and I've met him, and received an amazing treasure trove of good advice.
I am quite tired after 6 hours of ministry rehearsal, the last of its kind thank goodness. On my final run I made the Unforgivable mistake, the first big one in all rehearsals. While ad-libbing I forgot what I was talking about, too safe in my "comfort zone / stage", so I said something stupid for our final run which the Director watched. Of all times to mess up, I mess up then. Lesson definitely learnt.
I'm going back to The Night Watch; london blitz is exciting from a woman's perspective.
25 July 2008
10:30 PM
Notes of Nothing II
I really really want to join in the nikeplus 10km run.
But I'll have to train, and I doubt the knee / morale / perseverance is up for it.
I mean, I want to cry after completing 3k.
So I guess the question is: is this what I want to do for myself and how far am I willing to go to move out of the box.
I've done some out-of-my-comfort-zone stuff this year (which explains my general tiredness), but running a marathon is not even within any zone. I don't know, but at the mo I have zero confidence in running.
Christian fellowship within the Ministry was enlightening, in every sense of the word. I left Ian's place feeling so much lighter. And the most important thing I discovered was that Jesus forgives. He really does, and I need to let go of the burden I keep carrying. Like a self-persecution complex I have. Thank you God, You have filled my days with dancing.
The Dark Knight today was really nice; the discussion prior with ian and caleb was cool. Raffles does seem so much more clique-infested the more I think of it. But it's all past, no?
I was a little traumatised after the movie though, so sale shopping was relaxing. Perkins has a new collection (so card-flashing I went), although I didn't anticipate prices to be that much lower than usuals like warehouse and river island. The blue faux leather handbag was going at $56, probably unheard of at other UK retailers. I should know, cos I can't afford it any higher.
Vogue says metallics are in this fall; not for squat pale-skinned asians, I discovered today.
24 July 2008
12:14 AM
It's funny, not that I am overly amused or anything, but I think the irony of it all is worth mentioning.
Seems as though, as rumours will have it, that:
the school I chose is the Quote party school of london Unquote.
My first choice for accommodation is the Quote hall with naked people aplenty and drunks galore Unquote.
So I am just wondering why everything's not turning out the way I planned it. I chose the school cos it was the best in london (lit), I chose the hall because it wasn't intercollegiate, and this is the outcome.
Oh well then. I shall be a fat alcoholic drunk with a fabulous bloated face and body who doesn't like clothes.
Or I could just become a man.
21 July 2008
9:23 AM
Medea
Hooray for my first (and probably only) Greek tragedy, the one where I could audience-view via the camera in the annex, get teary-eyed backstage as Medea breaks down, and meet crazy cast members / friends.
In all honesty, I didn't expect professional people like Mr P and Mrs Prry to have such positive comments about the role of tutor. Nor did I anticipate how tough it would be to keep the positivity, especially after getting teary backstage all the time. I really had to feed off the memories of happy thoughts, just so I could create a contrast between myself and everyone else. Never again shall I underestimate the difficulty in the fool of the play. I had no catharsis at the end, and so had to be content with crying before the productions. (: Sounds quite pathetic.
But now it's over; post-production blues are settling in, but nothing as serious as choir / dance concerts though. Although I did have the huge urge to shout out medea's lines this morning, which I did with such relish.
And while watching Oprah today I had the luxury of glancing over at the pretty bouquet that sumae & tanneh gave, 3 pink roses for us! My happiest bouquet definitely, although my sis's friend caleb's one is a close second, spoilt only because he gave her flowers too, and she didn't even act.
Ministry rehearsal today at suntec ballroom. More acting...
17 July 2008
9:02 PM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUMMY.
You light up my life (:
And I thank God for you everyday.
12:10 AM
Note of Nothing
I know it's probably your middle-of-the-night angst, or an overspilling of emotions, or you just feel like arguing. But I won't deny that it really stings. The snideness, general rudeness of your speech, your tone. Maybe I'm tired too, maybe Medea's got my hung up high, completely uptight and edgy and emotionally unstable.
Still.
To be honest, I am trying my best. I'm trying to be there for you, to give you some good advice, to be there when I know I can't be in 2 months' time. But it's tough ok? I'm trying to be the I've never been, so I'm sorry if I still haven't matched up with expectations.
I didn't ask to be given a break, so I'm just going to take a Time Out from all this. From the general meanness of everyone else to your more particular, more acerbic meanness.
That's where it finally gets me. In my tellings to a friend, to you, I gave you a weapon to use against me, if you wanted to. (Like Grenville's The Idea of Perfection.) And then I always end up regretting, not because I have something to regret, but because I've opened up the possibility of,
The can of worms, so to speak, has a ripened potential. Already I see them squirm.
16 July 2008
9:47 AM
This week will be an exciting one; full-day theatre rehearsals, a presentation for the Ministry on sat's matinee performance, christian meet-up for londoners, and a skit rehearsal at hwach for the ministry's award ceremony. I shall handle this better than I hope to.
"God is light, and there is no darkness in Him at all." 1 John 1:5
The more I get immersed into Medea, the more poignant Euripides's words become. Every time a full run is accomplished, there is an immense sense of catharsis, leaving just the heart beating strangely, and the silence of the chorus's walk.
Also, for the first time, I got my
picture in a theatre production! So while I may complain about the raining workload, I think I've achieved something different this holiday. Now to consider diving courses with ucl seniors.
Oh Zeus, why did you give humanity
The clearest evidence when gold is false -
But set no markings on the skin of man
To single out the bad one from the good?
-
Chorus:
Now words of honour blow away like clouds.
No shame is felt, for Shame has learned to fly -
Shame has left Greece and taken to the sky.
11 July 2008
11:29 PM
OBS 2008
On the ride there, I met one of the most influential cab drivers in the history of my cab rides. He taught me korean-chinese praise songs, reminded me of the most powerful 3 words: JESUS LOVES YOU, and all in chinese. So I guess that just eclipsed most of the memories of OBS with the scholars, because such ardent conviction and belief really gave me the boost I needed, after such a stagnant period of spiritual growth, and silence on my end.
Anyhow, the expeditions are worthy of remembrance.
MOMENTS
Most memorable:
Sea expedition; Without a doubt, rowing into a storm on our triyak, against the choppy seas, with wind rain dead ahead of us. There is something overwhelming about heading straight for the storm clouds, the fog and the winds. I don't think I'll ever get to experience something like that in this lifetime, so I was thankful for that chance to stare straight into the growing storm, and row forward.
“With Christ in the vessel we can smile at the storm”, took on an immediate viscerally poignant meaning.
Most insane:
Raja, my watch. The craziest bunch of people around, and good friends now. We started off with so much confidence in our communicative skills, yet we were the biggest losers for the first comp. Then when it came to our land expedition, we just majorly owned even though we were just trying to get it over and done with. Walking around with a load heavier than army stuff was really tiring, but apparently still not as taxing as the real route marches, with their helmets and rifles and what not.
Singing army songs in the triyak was a bonus.
Most reflective:
Sharing session on the last day. It took some getting used to, and it was obvious many of us were rusty with sharing our future goals, but when we all did, it was a moment of true revelation, not because there was anything profound, but because it was clear that the thing became tangible once articulated, it was given life.
And there was trust between us; the 'don’t sneer, let me tell you my dreams' kind of trust.
Most powerful:
The last night on campsite, looking at gleaming satellites, smelling salt and breathing sea breeze. Watching the stray dog leap against the waves that lapped the steep shores.
I told myself then to remember that feeling of aloneness, to capture that moment of voluntary solitude, to step away from the cacophonous voices, and try to find some “perspective” in my being there.
I thought about being free. Like D.H. Lawrence wrote, to be free, in a free place. It’s not really a locality, but a “perfected relation” between you and me – so that we are free together.
I was free then, but there was no relation, only solo.
So after everything, I wouldn’t say I’ve changed much since all the Ministry programmes started piling up. But I would say I’m fatigued, and because of that, I get to be more honest with myself.
Sometimes I felt as lost as we were in the swampy mangroves. Sometimes I felt as emotionally distant as the stagnancy of those waters. In that “beautiful appalling land”.
As I write, I am aware that my memory has made much of little. But this is the way I do things, my way of “collecting the world in small handfuls”, one grasp at a time.
It was an experience, and right now, bursting from goodwood park's dessert with their good company, I feel peace.
07 July 2008
9:02 PM
Back from the island.
I LOVE YOU RAJA.
03 July 2008
6:24 PM
who's line is it anyway?
Did some acting for the Ministry's skit, met many insane people, many quirky characters and new friends. (Do I really look like an mg girl? :) )
I will never stop being in awe at musicians and fine artists.
02 July 2008
10:49 PM
I think that is the difference between us, and that is why.
I intensely dislike to take things lying down, I don't just let other people waste my time without them knowing that difficulty in execution is not an excuse for inefficiency.
And if I sounded annoyed, well, maybe it's because I was.
Personally, signing an agreement is by no means an indication for time-entitlement. But that's just me.
I think I know how Orwell felt; the monolith is overshadowing perspective.
[edit] 1129pm
After coming close to bursting, I called mich and ranted and raved for all of 20 minutes. (Amazingly, and thank God, she picked up on the 3rd ring). Now I am more or less quiet inside. I'm just so glad there are actual people out there who know what I mean when I start to feel that something is wrong with this present situation.
Also,
I forgot to let Jesus take the wheel.
Watch me fight this one
[/edit]
