philos
liberté
princeps
memoria

Thinking about it, there was a lot of pain those days; those among us hurting inside, those lost because they forgot to keep looking, people crying without knowing why.

There are a lot of lies these days; the things people make up just to make themselves feel more alive than the next person, people talking and talking and smiling such gaping emptiness.

There are many reflections of reflections - in the glass panels of the stores I sail by, revealed on the double-visioned windows in the underground train, in the pictures taken for no reason at all.

People always say that there's good in the bad, something to keep believing in, to keep working towards. Something True that will not fail, when people have. I think, once upon a time, people used to remain true to themselves. They used to honestly believe in what they believe, and lived up to it.

I am trying to articulate what i have long sensed in special people - a rigid current in their personality that sometimes pushes them towards absolute positions. People who have since from a young age adopted a strict but private moral code of behaviour. Many times I hear of how we find it somewhat arrogant to hold oneself to higher standards than one does others, but for as long as i've known the special people, they have never let go of the idea that they lived with special restrictions. Heroism comes with a price: these special people don't blame others for their ethical weakness, the muddy morals that they won't allow in themselves.


And so, I am perhaps afraid to discover that I will never be one of the special people. I wonder if by identifying such and such, I will become (D.H. Lawrence) "undignified for putting a sort of vulgarity over the esotericism which gave man his last distinction".

And so i watch the fallen, and am worried to find that I am not surprised. To the friend I spoke with on Bus 7 home: you're absolutely right. Before I go, i must make my commitment, and stay strong and true to it.

I hope to reach out before I go, but it's difficult because I am embarrassed that they will be embarrassed, and I'm never any good with the spoken word. Nagging is for the powerless; there is no victory in that. i know where the strength has to come from; i know what must be done.

So please help me, i want to be the person I've always hoped to be.


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Collected visa today; some problems with it that require the mummy-arsenal, so I'll keep perspective and chug on. Yesterday night, after sending aditi off, I was possessed by an immense weariness, but it didn't give me the stealing sense of sleep, but a vivid wakeful fatigue, a very wan lucidity of mind against which the day's activities kept playing. I kept counting time to the hiphop lesson; some akon hit. I could barely tolerate myself.